Death by Calories

The End.

2010-10-11T09:11:00.000-07:00

Why must all good things come to an end?

I've been thinking for some time now about shutting down my blog. Weeks have turned into months and I've still avoided the topic because this blog has really helped me in so many ways and really meant so much to me. All weekend I've mentally written this post over and over- but couldn't really bring myself to write it out. Now it's Monday morning and I'm still here....trying to write it.

I think it's time for me to end this blog- Death by Calories.

I've loved this blog and we've had good times. The thing is- now that all I write about is weight loss only- there isn't much else to say. Yes, I can continue to write endless blogs about how I'm struggling everyday- but that's not new and that will never end. How many more ways can I say it and keep people interested?

One of my favorite blog friends has been helping me make this decision and I'm so thankful for her help and her advise through this tough time. She gave me the courage to finally just do it- and she knows who she is- Thank you. I think you're wonderful and I couldn't have done this without you.

For those of you who really want to stay in touch and really want to know what's going on in my life- please email me at dizmyniz@gmail.com and I will update you on what's going on in my life. I do not intend to just disappear into an oblivion where no one sees or hears from me again- I'm just going to end this blog and take a little break from writing for now.

Thank you to every friend who has ever written a comment on my blog. You have supported me through thick and thin. You have been my beam of light when I was in a dark place. You gave me hope to keep trying- and I am so grateful.

-D

Weighed in.

2010-10-06T22:44:00.000-07:00

Every time...

Every time I think I'm doing so good (like today- I weighed in at 142.6), I have to go and sabotage myself.

But before I complain about how badly I sabotaged myself- let me start out by giving myself a HOORAY! Woot woot! I lost 4 pounds this week! I rock! I'm amazing! I got "angry", as my dear Drazil would say. And it paid off.

And then I had to 'celebrate'.

Today started out awesome enough- the rain was really coming down this morning so I went to the gym to do 55 minutes on the stairmaster. I kicked trash! I was dripping sweat like no one's business. I seriously was killing it and it felt GREAT.

The problem is, my roommate has me addicted to these Salted Caramel Hot Chocolates from Starbucks so after the intense workout (in the am), I felt I needed a starbucks on my way to work. Now, I've been doing so good on cutting back on the diet soda's; now is NOT the time to substitute sugary, heavy hot chocolate for diet soda. However, it's the 2nd one I've had in less than 24 hours. But I logged the points and went on with my day.

The rest of the day was shaping up awesome when I got a text from someone to meet up for thai- there is a new place we've been talking about trying and it was time. Um....

Thai food is apparently crack to me.

I inhaled everything in sight- and after 2 or 3 hours, am laying in my bed with shooting stomach pains (from the fullness). When will I learn? When am I finally going to say to myself- wait...last time this hurt to eat this much- I should stop now...

I will admit, there were a few times in the night I tried to put my chopsticks down and drink a little water. I would think- I'm full, I need to stop. Did I? No. Of course I didn't or I wouldn't be writing this post. I thought when we left that it wasn't THAT bad (the pain). It's only now, as I lay in my bed with a full stomach and that sickly feeling, that I realize the errors of my ways. You can't eat this much this late at night. My body just isn't the same...it just doesn't feel good. I don't know how, for so many years, I would pound 1/2 pound cheeseburgers and fries at 2 am during my twenties. What the...? How did I LIVE to make it to my 30's?

Anyway- I'm sure it'll take me a few days to work this all back off- and that's okay. As long as I can be good through the weekend and get back out on the pavement- I'll live. I just hope this rain let's up so I can get back to the beach...I'm starting to miss it...

It's Fall!

2010-10-05T19:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just have to take a night off.

I had no intentions of taking this night off- in fact...my goal was to run 8 miles. Instead- I come home to roomie surprising me with hot chocolate, movies from Red Box, and this:

How can I possibly say no?

Just so you know, we're watching a ridiculous movie right now...and my hot chocolate is gone. So are the 8 miles...for this night. Sigh...maybe tomorrow, right?

I ran to Hell and back.

2010-10-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

I did it!

I got off my ass and went outside and went for that run I was dreading...and I'm so glad I did. I feel soooooo much better. It started out kind of shaky...About 2 miles in my uterus was RAGING and I almost threw up. Seriously- I hardly every have to stop and walk because of cramps. It's not even TOM, but it IS around the corner (week before). My mouth was salivating and my breathe was shallow (because really I was heaving)...and I was irate. I kept trying to push through it. I just kept thinking- first a trip home, then I was sick...I'm NOT going to let cramps stop me now! But unfortunately they did stop me for a little while. I had to walk and eventually stop and watch the ocean for a minute while I tried not to throw up. The good news is- I was out in the middle of no where so I had no choice but to keep running, and turn around and run back home. I was ALMOST to my 2.5 mile turn around spot when I finally gave in and turned around. But then something interesting happened...by the time I jogged back to my street, I was feeling awesome and decided to keep going. I passed my street and kept going and let me tell you- it felt amazing! I ran fast and hard. My breath was on point, my body was on point- everything was working so great and I was so happy. I was LOVING that run!

And now I'm home. I just used mapmyrun.com to log my distance because I went a different route than normal (I passed my street, kept going all the way to Main Street downtown, then looped back around and came home), but the map says I only ran 5.5 miles. I'm having a seriously hard time believing that's only how far I went; so I'm going to go log it in my car to make sure. ;)

Yay me!

While running, I was thinking about this little tantrum of mine. I started thinking about another bloggers blog today and how hard she is working to get the last 5 pounds off. And how hard I've been fighting...for years...to get these last 10 pounds off. It has been the fight of my life- and sometimes it pisses me off. Sometimes I get really close. Sometimes I am seriously motivated. And sometimes I get discouraged. But other times, like tonight, I push through and then I'm so proud of myself and elated. Sometimes I amaze myself and I'm so proud of myself. Sometimes I'm on point and so close to goal I can actually see it. :)

This is it folks- this is our lives. Every day we get up and we fight the same struggle. We have to make choices everyday; Every day we're either going to eat well or not; we're going to either work out or we're going to lay on the couch and gorge on muffins. We think it's not a big deal- tomorrow we'll have to make the same choices again. Most of the time it's not a big deal. But then again- it becomes a big deal because over time- those choices add up and we're either happy with our progress or we're miserable because we're not making progress (or we're sliding backwards). So while every choice may seem small and insignificant- think about it. It may just be breakfast today- or a treat at work...but it either adds upon what you did yesterday- or it will take away from what you're trying to accomplish. Every choice.

That's all of my speech tonight- I'm going to go track that mileage!

D

Hell.

2010-10-04T17:52:00.000-07:00

UGHHHHHHH

I'm really unsettled right now. So much has happened- and so much has yet to happen. I just need to go to the gym and I'm struggling. I DON'T WANT TO. It's cold outside and rainy and the roomie and I have been talking about watching movies and starting a little fire in the fireplace for the last 2 hours.

I ran 6 miles on Saturday and it felt amazing. I need to do it again today. I don't want to do it again today. I want to eat pumpkin/chocolate chip muffins dipped in hot chocolate while snuggled in a blanket on the couch. Add some whipped cream to that please. Today was such a hard day at work- I know I NEED to go workout; but I just don't want to. Or maybe I need a warm blueberry muffin with melted butter all over it. MMMMMM....

I miss my family. I wish I lived closer to them.

I guess I have to go. It's raining and cold outside. I might not make it. Pray for me that I do. Ragnar is 2 weeks away and I can't put off running any longer. I'm supposed to meet with my friend for Crossfit tomorrow morning at 7 am. I'm not in the mood for this. ANY of it. I ate horribly today and have that mentality of 'who cares anyway I already blew it'.

UGHHHHHHH

Bye.

D

2.5 pounds

2010-09-30T12:43:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time not being depressed today.

For one- I'm sicker than a dog. My little crossfit trainer/friend said yesterday that if I didn't have a fever, and if I didn't have body aches- that a little cardio might help me get better faster because things are moving around when you're moving around, and you might be able to get better quicker. So I went for a 5 mile run. I'm not sure if I had a fever and didn't know it or what- but after the run I was sweating like I have never sweat before. Literally 2 pounds of water...GONE. I was so hot- I was convinced it was at least 105 or hotter outside so when I checked online to see how hot it was...turns out it was only 81 degrees. And then I started feeling like CRAP! Crap crap crap.

Right now I'm somewhat okay. I took some sudafed this morning and squirted some flo-nase up my nose a few minutes ago. I'm just kind of discouraged because I really want to work out. I feel so fat after my trip home. I was telling my roommate today that I don't understand it because it's literally a 2.5 pound difference- but that 2.5 pounds must be my "breaking point" or something, because those 2.5 pounds literally make me feel obese...and when I lose them I am so much happier. Only 2.5 pounds! I know I sound completely wacko- trust me, I know. But seriously- people have been coming up to me in the last few weeks (before I went home) and asking me how much weight I've lost (several people)- and it was only that 2.5 pounds! My mom and sister both commented on how much thinner my face looked when I got home. 2.5 pounds. I don't get it. My roommate pointed out that part of what it could be is that it seems the 2.5 pounds seems to come out of my face- so I notice it. She noticed it (that it comes out of my face)- that's why she said that. Others notice it. I don't know what it is- but I am really feeling discouraged right now because that 2.5 pounds is here and I'm too sick to try to get rid of them. :(

Plus I'm sick. I don't like being sick. :(

I'm over it!

D

If I can do it, you can too...

2010-09-29T14:18:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm posting very quickly- for the second time today.

I just want you guys to know, that despite my sickness, and despite the death heat that is here plaguing So Cal, I ran 5 miles. I am going to go die now. I am literally dripping sweat all over everything; but I did it! I ran 5 miles in the hottest part of the day.

Now I am going to go take my cold shower and try not to die. :)

XO

D

Sicky D

2010-09-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

How did I get sick? I'm confused.

I'm one of those people that prides myself on NEVER getting sick. I take vitamins all day long everyday. I drink special "immune boosting" types of drinks. I practically keep track of "when I was sick last" so that I can brag all the time about never being sick. And now I'm sick.

I picked up something while I was home. My mom kept saying it was allergies- but I knew it wasn't allergies! I've never had allergies in my life. She swears that my dad never did either until recently.

The good news is at least I'm not really hungry. Maybe it will help me drop some of the 4 LBS I gained while at home. 4 LBS! WHAT THE...

Yesterday afternoon I decided to go see a matinee with a friend of mine, and he brought protein bars for us to snack on in the movie. I ate half of mine and put the other half in my bag because I thought to myself half way through the stupid thing...I'm not even hungry, why am I eating this thing? So I put the other half away. He called me out on it after the movie and I was embarrassed. Who watches how much you eat of your protein bar? He thought I didn't like the taste! But I actually really liked that particular bar- it was a chocolate mint flavor. I just wasn't hungry. I did end up eating anyway though...last night I found myself on Main Street enjoying Taco Tuesday at a local spot called Sharkeez...(yes, it's really spelled that way) before walking around for a little bit at the street fair.

The sad news is that my crossfit trainer is bummed. She had a super hard workout planned for me today and I am too tired to work out. Which is actually kind of a bummer because I'm anxious to work out right now. For one, I'm kind of panicked about the mileage I should be getting for my 300 mile challenge. Plus the Ragnar Relay is less than a month away!!! Sometimes when I think about it...I get super anxious. I haven't actually participated in a race for almost 3 years!

Here is a picture for the last Ragnar Relay Race that I did in Utah- the Wasatch back. I am the one in the bottom right hand corner with the blue hat on. I was so happy!

I still have that little medal hanging in my room.

I am so nervous!

D

I'm in a Golden State..

2010-09-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

I. AM. HOME!!!!!!!

Finally. Finally finally- back to my sweet, beautiful California. Oh how I love thee- California. While I love being home with my family, it is becoming more and more evident that my life is here in CA. My purpose is here. Someone told me this weekend (as a joke of course) that California is going to fall off here pretty soon. No. I wasn't having it. It is NOT going to fall off! It's too beautiful and the weather is too nice (even though today it's 105!!!!!!!)! It might fall off economically- but that's a different matter and of course now I'm rambling...

This weekend wasn't my best as far as diet/workout. I did workout a few times- which is better than usual when I go home. I'm really trying to get mileage, although you can't really tell because I keep having short weeks. I ate a little too often while at home- but I never really ate too much at once. Overall it was too much, but not all at the same time (if that makes sense). But I ate often and usually something really fatty- or really sweet and fatty; so my diet was pretty bad. My body feels jacked from all of the crap I ate- and I swear I look older. I'm just so glad to be home- it's hard to be on your routine when you're on vacation and away from home.

But there is no guilt. I know it's okay- I will just get back on the wagon today and pick up and move on. That's what you do. Get back on the wagon when it's time and keep truckin. I'm excited to start watching my intake and working out consistently again. The crossfit death trainer already texted me that she has 3 workouts planned for me this week that I will hate her for. :) I'm nervous.

That's about all I have for now! How are you?

D

Run Run Go away...Run again some other day.

2010-09-23T17:57:00.000-07:00

I am still SO sore from Tuesday's ass kick. I was supposed to do crossfit with my girl yesterday but got too busy and now I'm wondering...I can barely walk...what would've happened if I had done it? I would probably be in the hospital right now. :)

Haha, okay, maybe that's a tad bit dramatic. I've always had a flare for the dramatic. However dramatic I may be, I am finding that I love the cross fit workouts. Don't get me wrong- the workouts are really hard...but I think it will pay off in the end.

Training for the Ragnar and my 300 miles challenge are still in the works daily. Ran 5 miles today through all of the leg and ass pain I have from the other day. I am shooting for 4-5 days of workout this week, which will be kind of hard since I'm traveling this weekend. But you know what I thought to myself this morning? Doesn't matter- if you're committed- you can make it happen anywhere you are. My little trainer sent me a text to remind me that I need to be working out every day for at least 30 minutes because "this is a lifestyle not to be lived only at home". :) I couldn't agree more; I just hope I am feeling a little looser tomorrow.

Other than that- not much is new. Just pluggin along. How are you doing?

XO

D

Crosskick my Trash.

2010-09-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

Ahhh...blessed Tuesday.

It's 9:21 am, and I'm already writing a post. I have to write it now before I forget (like I could forget the ass kick that just happened). My friend who is the cross fit trainer summoned me this morning for a cross fit session. My plan was to do the cross fit with her and then go for my morning run- I planned to do at least 6 miles if not more to make up for the long weekend (I wasn't able to get a workout in yesterday because I was too busy and didn't get home until 10:47 pm...when I went promptly to bed).

Crossfit this morning kicked my ass- hard. HARD. I get there and she tells me that she feels like the little 10 minute workouts we've been doing are too short and this morning (and from now on) the workouts will be a "little longer"...more like 20 minutes. I'm like- um...okay. Just what I wanted- an ass kick first thing in the morning. The only thing keeping me going was the fact that they were under 10 minute workouts. Now we are doubling it...greeeeeaaaaaaat...I barely made it out of bed and was able to scarf down a piece of toast so I would have SOMETHING in my stomach beforehand...now you want to double my workout time. Sigh.

This is what we did today:

AMRAP (as many rounds as possible) in 20 minutes:

25 jump ropes
25 thrusters (this is where you do a squat and then push dumb bells over your head on the way up)
25 pushups
25 walking lunges with weights

in 20 minutes. GO!

I did 4 or 5 rounds; I lost count (luckily she kept count). I wanted to throw up. Seriously- I thought a few times I might.

There was absolutely no way I could run afterwards. I tried. I even tried to jog home. NOPE. I could barely walk; my legs kept giving out on me. I'll have to go running tonight after work, which I don't know how I'm going to do because I have a dinner I'm hosting for a friend that's leaving town. Sigh...this week is jammed packed with events until I leave for OK. But I'm taking my running gear home with me so my sister and I can workout- it will be fun to run with her! I really need the mileage today and tomorrow, I'm just not sure how I'm going to fit it all in...

Oh well- we'll see what happens!

XO

D

The Dreaded Single.

2010-09-20T15:31:00.000-07:00

I feel like crying right now.

I'm not sure why. I feel unsettled- but honestly, there is no reason. My stomach hurts a little too- I'm sure that the coke zero and WW frozen meal coupled with frito's and sour cream weren't the best choices for lunch- but they were fast and I was starving and I'm feeling crappy right now. I feel a little guilty for eating that crap for lunch- especially after watching that movie yesterday...(I know it was a crap lunch to have) but whatever.

I just feel lonely right now. Not lonely as in- my life. Lonely as in- I need a man. My brother in law texted me to see when I was coming in this week and we got to chatting and he sent me this really sweet text that asked if I was dating anyone recently. I said no and he said not to worry, I'd find someone soon. He was so sweet and kind but I think that is what set me off on this spiral. I feel like everyone throws out that generic sympathy statement over the last few years when they don't know what to say. "Don't worry D, you'll find someone soon." Don't worry D, I don't know what to say to you. I don't know why you're still single, or I don't know how to tell you why I think you're still single. Every time I go home now it's different because both of my siblings are in serious relationships- my sister is married and my brother is engaged to a girl he's been with for 3 or 4 years.

My friend and I were talking about it yesterday and she asked if it's hard to go home and be around my family since all of my siblings are younger than me and all married (or engaged) and I told her the truth- yes, it gets hard sometimes. I love my family so much and I'm always so excited to see them- but sometimes it's very obvious that I'm still single. Like at Christmas two years ago- it was Christmas Eve (MY birthday), and we ordered a pizza and all went into the living room to watch movies and hang out. We were all laughing and joking around in the kitchen and then we popped in a movie and everyone settled in the living room with their pizza. I was happily eating my pizza from the recliner when I looked up and noticed my sister and her husband all snuggled up under a blanket on one couch, whispering and giggling. Then I noticed my brother and his girlfriend all snuggled up under another blanket on the other couch, doing the same thing. I was sitting all alone on a chair in the corner unnoticed and it really stung once it set in what was happening. They don't do it on purpose- they are just being themselves and being happy and being in love, and I would never want to take what they have away from any of them. It's not their faults that I'm single. I'm just overly sensitive to it I guess because here in CA- in never never land- all of my friends are single too- so I don't have to face all of that. If people get into relationships around here- they go off into some other relationship land and leave the rest of us singles alone. Married and relationship people don't want to be around singles; and singles don't want to be around married people- that's just the way it is, let's be honest.

I asked my bro in law if he thought I was too picky and he sweetly said, "No comment. :) But you should be picky! I was picky and I found your sister and look how lucky I am- you should definitely hold out and be picky." I agree with him- that I should hold out for the right guy- but I don't think I'm that picky. Trust me, I've given a LOT of dirt bags a chance that didn't deserve it. How do you explain to people the pain that can be associated with being single sometimes? How do you help them feel less uncomfortable by your single-ness? It's obvious to me that I make people uncomfortable sometimes; whether it's a married woman that is insecure because her husband works in my office (which I can't even help) or whether it's loved ones who don't know how to console me...I make people uncomfortable sometimes. Why does it have to be uncomfortable? Why can't I just be single because I haven't met someone yet? Why does there have to be a reason? And if there is a reason..then why won't anybody man up and tell me what my problem is so I can fix it?

Last night my friend told me that this guy I've gone out with a few times is now taking out one of my friends. She just wanted to give me a heads up so I didn't do anything stupid. It's fine- I wasn't really that into him in the first place- but there is this pain of rejection that you feel when you're single. And that's what I'm talking about. I feel like I'm being rejected, over and over again- whether I like it or not. Sure, rejection goes both ways- but even when I reject them it still sucks because inevitably it's yet another failure of a relationship. It's another chance for everyone to talk and to speculate as to why you can't make it work with someone.

Anyway- I have to get back to work. Be nice to your single friends is all I have to say. And be thankful for the relationships you have in your life.

XO

D

It's all about me.

2010-09-20T00:05:00.000-07:00

I just got done watching the movie: Supersize me.

Has anyone seen this movie? What did you think of it?

I couldn't help but think back to my McDonald's rendevous about three weeks ago (right before I decided to do Fat Flush again I went there 'one more time' to celebrate). I hated it and decided I would probably never eat it again. Of course, I haven't really thought much about it since then; I don't eat fast food that much anyway. Tonight, after watching this movie, I have decided yet again that I will never eat it again (McDonald's). Well...okay, I occasionally go there for a cone- but that will be IT! It was interesting and insightful (this movie), to say the least. I was blown away- but everything the guy said made complete sense to me. Especially watching the children's school lunch scene- frightening and so disturbing. What are we doing to our children? It made me so sad and sick to watch those scenes.

Today is my 1 year anniversary of my blog. Go me! :) It's funny too, because I ran into the guy I was dating back then, today (Marty). It was good to see him, but I'm glad it's over. I'm glad that year is behind me- I feel like I'm in such a better place now- even though I'm not dating anyone at the moment. I've lost about 12-14 pounds since this day a year ago too. Today (vs a year ago), I'm in a normal BMI range (BARELY). I had a long talk about it with my friend today (our BMI's) and even though I'm still on the high end, it makes me happy to know I'm at least in the right range again. I'm so thankful I have this blog and friends out there who know what I'm talking about, listen, and support me. Thank you to all of you who read and comment on my blog.

This weekend was "eh" as far as diet goes. "So/so" at best. I was doing pretty good until tonight- another friend of mine cooked up a huge dinner and 12 or so of us went over and enjoyed. Oh...the food was soo good, of course I over ate everything and have been laying in a state of pain for the last 5 hours. Why do I do this to myself? I thought for sure I wouldn't over eat because I wasn't that hungry when I got there. But low and behold I did it again. And I didn't work out yesterday or today (I never work out Sundays) because Friday night I went out and was too tired yesterday to work out (I didn't sleep in). I DID have fun though. My friends and I went to dinner and then randomly went dancing. It was so great to have my girls with me! And I'm not beating myself up- for those of you who think I might be. I'm just stating that it wasn't the best weekend as far as diet.

Do any of you read Bitch Cakes blog? Have you read her post about her meeting when she reached goal weight? Well, she wrote that she gets a lot of emails that ask her- how long did it take you? And she said- it takes how long it takes (basically- I'm paraphrasing). You can read it here if you're interested: http://msbitchcakes.blogspot.com/2010/09/weekly-meeting-topic-road-to-goal.html That whole post, but especially the "it takes how ever long it takes" really resonated with me. It takes as long as it takes. I'm not upset about my weekend because I know I'll get up tomorrow and work out and eat healthy and be back on track. It will take as long as it will take- but I can continue to chip pounds off my body until I'm at goal weight. I would like to be under 140 by Christmas. Now, if you look at my weight chart on the right there- you will see that I am not that far off from that at all. However, I do not tend to stay under 140. I usually get there and then bounce back up. My goal is to get there, and stay there for awhile. So I'm giving myself several months to make this happen (and to keep it there). It takes as long as it takes and I'm okay with that. I am having fun, meeting new people, and enjoying my life as I work on eating healthier and making working out a bigger part of my life. I really do wake up in the mornings and feel so blessed to have my life.

I could go on but it's 2 hours past my bed time so I'm going to close up shop. Go rent the movie if you haven't seen it yet- it's really eye opening as to what fast food is doing to our nation.

XO!

D

TGIF

2010-09-17T12:03:00.000-07:00

I LOVE FRIDAYS!!!!!!!

Have I ever mentioned that before? Friday is my favorite day of the week I think. It just makes me so happy. It's the beginning of the weekend, and what better way is there to start a weekend than with a Friday??

Today's Friday is going particularly well, despite the crappy weather here in So Cal today. It is cold and cloudy. But I had a wonderful workout this morning and am loving this day. I did a crossfit workout with my friend and it was quick. Here's what we did:

She timed us (as usual); I did

400 meter dash
42 jump ropes
21 kettlebells
400 meter dash
30 jump ropes
15 kettlebells
400 meter dash
21 jump ropes
9 kettlebells

all in 7:52!!

Then I went straight over to the gym and did my cardio- 45 minutes on the stairmaster...for a total of 52.52 minutes of work out today. :) I came home and took a wonderful hot shower afterwards and began my day. I like working out in the mornings...it's so nice to get it in and then take a shower and be done with it all. :) I recommend it to anyone who's willing to listen.

I am also proud of myself because after tomorrow's workout- I will have worked out everyday this week (AND taken a walk on Sunday). I am so awesome!! Haha- sorry but I just am. It feels so good to work out and it boosts my mood so much- I don't know why I've been putting it off for so long. Plus- I'm extra proud of myself because I worked out everyday this week with TOM around- and it was fine! I think it actually helped me not be so crampy and bloated. Just cruisin through the week...waiting for TOM TO LEAVE. :)

I have friends coming into town this weekend again and it promises to be a fun one. We're going to Disneyland tonight and then I don't know what tomorrow. Sunday the roomie leaves for work (out of town), but Wed I leave to go home and see my family in OK and I CAN'T WAIT. I love my family so much.

Okay friends- sorry to make it so quick but I'm on a rampage and got things to get done before the weekend begins!!!

Hope yours is fabulous too!!!!

XOXO

D

Weigh in.

2010-09-15T23:08:00.000-07:00

Today was weigh in!!!

I didn't do as well as I'd hoped, but that's okay. I lost .4 pounds- gained a whole pound since yesterday's weigh in. But TOM is here! Ah well...a loss is a loss. I'll take it. I read on someone's blog once that losing .02 pounds is the same amount as losing a teaspoon's size of fat; and .4 pounds is equivalent to losing a bar of soap. I guess I lost a bar of soap off my ass this time. I'LL TAKE IT!!!

I did run 6 miles this morning...that felt AWESOME. I am starting to remember why I just love running so much. There were several times in the run that I wished I had my camera so that I could show you guys how awesome my run is; but alas I didn't take it today. Maybe tomorrow if you're lucky. :) My runs are starting to get a little smoother and more even keeled (which is good). I really pushed myself to sprint hard the last 7 blocks to just push myself a little more...I mean, I realized today- why not push myself? I hate pushing myself sometimes, but it's MY workout. It affects MY body- so I should push it and really try to burn every last calorie I can...right? Plus Ragnar is next month. I haven't been training. Any little thing I can do to help get myself in better shape quick, I will do. :) I feel like the queen of the world if I push myself even an ounce. :)

Tonight I went to an event for a friend of mine who is doing the Mormon Bachelorette. It was a nice little soirée event where everyone dressed up and we had "mocktails" (since mormons don't drink) and she was introduced and some of the bachelors were there- etc. I took a few snapshots before I left with one of my close girlfriends, you'll recognize her from other pictures I've taken in the past as well, and a few other friends of ours that were around jumped in and snapped a few with us too. I love my friends in Huntington Beach! Normally I wouldn't post these, but since the other girls asked me to post them on facebook, I decided to add them here as well so those of you who aren't my friends on facebook can see them too! There are only a few- but here they are: (I'll post some more pics of the event once they're posted on FB):

What's new with YOU????

D

Distractions.

2010-09-14T12:02:00.000-07:00

It's kind of early for another post but I can't help it- I have to write this post in order to distract myself from eating. It's only 11:21 and I'm just hungry today. I've been snacking and eating all morning. I have GOT to get a grip or I'm going to blow right through all of my points before 3 pm. And tomorrow is weigh in- so today is NOT the day to overeat or over-indulge.

...Must...Stay...Strong...

In order to help me stay a little stronger- I'm now sipping a Diet Coke. Mmmmm...so refreshing. I've been doing so good lately on NOT consuming soda; I really shouldn't start up this nasty habit again. I sleep better, have more energy, am less bloated, have less headaches (when I don't consume soda's)...and yet there is just something about it. What is it? Who knows, but right now I need it's help to not eat. I blame TOM. Still hasn't come, but all of the lovely side effects have shown up. Nasty break out on my face, bloating, cramps when I run. UGHHHHHH...

That is all for now- I'll write a "real" post tonight after I've contemplated the universe a little more. For now, I'll just have to suck it up and be hungry. Sometimes you just have to be hungry; it's part of dieting. I wish I could say that you never have to feel it, but it's just not true. You have to feel it.

XO Lovies!!

D

Loud Ocean.

2010-09-13T22:29:00.000-07:00

I just realized while going through my blog roll that I tend to follow 3 types of blogs the most: Running blogs, weight loss blogs (obviously), and recipe blogs. There's a few random dating blogs in there; and a few coupon blogs, but mostly it's running, weight, and food. I'm obsessed.

Today I got up and ran 6 miles in the morning, and it felt GREAT to run in the morning. Lately I've been running in the evenings because I spend all day gearing myself up to run. But today I had an interview in the afternoon for a part time job I'm trying to land (for extra $$$) and I needed to get cleaned up early. There's nothing more annoying to me than getting all cleaned up for the day, then running my butt off later and getting my hair all sweaty and sticky and gross. So I chose to run first, and I felt like it was a smart decision. 2 blocks away from my house my iPod died. It sucked, but it wasn't an option to quit the run just because I didn't have music- so I ran the whole 6 miles just listening to myself breathe and the ocean crash on the shore (beach path again). The ocean is actually a lot louder than people think. You can't really sleep when it's constantly crashing on the shore all the time, even if the shore happens to be sand (which our shore is). Luckily for me, I live half a mile away, so I don't hear it at night (I sleep with the window open almost every night). You can smell the ocean from my house, but you can't hear it. This was just one of the many thoughts I had while running (that I wouldn't be able to sleep with the ocean crashing like that, as opposed to those alarm clocks that make 'wave sounds' to help you relax and sleep. The real ocean is not like that). Thanks iPod, for giving me new sounds to hear since you weren't working and I couldn't just drown everything out and run my heart out like normal. It was actually a nice change of pace for once.

Weigh in comes on Wed and I'm nervous. I didn't do super stellar this weekend on the diet-o. I need to eat fruits and veggies and some lean meats tomorrow to help me lean out before Wed a little- since I kind of overdid it on the carbs all weekend. It was the first week back to WW! I had to eat a bunch of carbs to make up for the Fat Flush depletion of carbs!!! :)

Other than that, I don't have much to tell. My blog's one year anniversary is coming up quick and I am trying to decide what to do for it (Sept 19th). Should I do a giveaway? What do you guys think??? IDEAS people! Realistic ideas, of course. :)

XO!

D

What choice?

2010-09-11T23:32:00.000-07:00

While updating my side bar today (I decided to add a mileage tracker for my 300 mile challenge and also have been contemplating adding some other things as well), I saw that there is now a new "slideshow" option and got all excited. I thought about all of the blogs I've seen with slideshows of their weight progression pictures and instantaneously thought it would be awesome to have one of my own. So I started milling through my old pictures, trying to find all of the ones I have that would be good. I found all the pictures that I perceive myself as fat in and put together the most amazing slideshow. After pressing the "watch slideshow" button, I nervously waited- wondering if I would be depressed or excited about my new creation. Believe it or not, I kind of loved seeing pictures of the past 2 years pop up one after another, reminding me of all of the good times I've had since I moved to CA.

But I can't seem to bring myself to post the slideshow. Not because I'm embarrassed; that's not it. Confused by my own reaction, I decided to wait an hour or so and try again. Still couldn't bring myself to post it. I'm not sure why, exactly, but it was affecting me, and the only thing I can even think to say about it is that I just don't feel like it's a good representation of me. Let me try to break this down for you:

Sure I'm proud of myself for losing 20 pounds. But looking at those old pictures helped me realize that my weight does not define me. Does that make sense? I'm not comfortable with just throwing a few 'fat' pictures together and expecting you to watch the slideshow and suddenly realize that a few photos is a poor representation of who I am. Let me back up and try to be clearer-

I've chosen to be happy with myself and my life. I believe that happiness is a choice.

As I type this out, I wonder if I've just summoned a firing squad. There are days that when I've heard people say or write these types of things- and I've instantly disregarded them AND their opinion. I close out of the post or close my ears to their words and immediately move on; never to think of them or their opinion again. 'You have NO idea pal what it's like', I think to myself. Now whether I'm talking about weight related depression or another type of depression, when you're feeling it- there is no choice. And I know that because I've. Been. There. However, I suddenly remember that I just stated only a few sentences up, that "I believe that happiness is a choice." So how can I contradict myself in less than 10 sentences?

Because I'm not talking about brain chemical depression here- I'm talking about giving myself a break. Cutting me some slack, for the first time in my life. As I read other blogs too, I realize, there are a lot of us who are freaking hard on ourselves. Maybe it's because we're women, I'm not sure. But many of us are constantly upset with ourselves because we put ridiculously high standards on ourselves and then can't meet them. We wouldn't put those standards on our loved ones, but we do it to ourselves. Maybe I'm not talking about depression after all, but love and self acceptance instead. My roommate and I call it, "being nice to ourselves", and we constantly remind each other to 'be nice'. I'm not sure how I've managed to realize I needed to ease up and then do it, but it feels GREAT. For me, it is learning to be happy moment by moment because I'm not being so hard on myself all the time. I pray about it constantly. I believe God wants us to be happy in this life. While I believe that happiness, joy, and acceptance (and self love) comes easier for some of us than others, I do believe it's possible for all of us. I think I partially have you guys to thank for helping me 'awaken' (I'm enlightened now? YES! Ha! This is getting awesome!).

The good news is- it's clear I'm growing. I'm learning to accept myself a little more. I'm not interested in remembering my life according to my weight. As I look at all of those 'fat' pictures, I see in them that I'm smiling. In all of them; every single one. Even if I felt fat or self conscious at the time, or even if I've deleted a million pictures because I hated the way I looked at the time, of the ones I do still have, I'm smiling. And I now choose to remember those times as good times with my friends and my family. Who cares if I was 15 pounds heavier? Self acceptance. There will be times that I am heavier in my life; And there will be times that I am lighter. Hopefully I can continue to learn to live by my heart and just be happy.

Wow- wordy post. For those of you that made it to the end- Congrats. I'll post a few of the pictures here, so you too can see my smile. :)

D

And some more current pictures:

Fridays are the BEST

2010-09-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

I've had the best day!

Got up- had some buttermilk Eggo's, went for an amazing run on the beach- 5 miles= thank you very much, and then came back and had Subway for lunch with my friend April. I am so happy. I love my life and I love Fridays in Huntington Beach. The weather is BEAUTIFUL tonight and I feel so blessed to live so close to the ocean.

Sorry I don't have more to report! Enjoy your weekend friends- thanks for stopping in.

XO

D

TOM

2010-09-09T23:56:00.000-07:00

Of course in typical fashion- I plunge head first deep into the depths of chocolate covered pretzels never to surface again. I'll blog once I've found my way back to normalcy, if that ever happens. Please, Gods of the Universe, let TOM start already so I can move on with my life. Thank you.

XO

D

Back to me.

2010-09-08T19:48:00.000-07:00

I started Weight Watchers again today. I am so happy. I feel like myself for the first time in months. No more restrictions!

I celebrated all day- this morning I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast. No more smoothies! Not that I don't love the smoothies, they just get old after 9 days. You can only have them so many ways...

I also went running today too- thank you ocean breeze for making it so enjoyable. 5 miles. It felt awesome. And now I'm sitting here with NR. She just made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies- and guess what? I'm having one (or two). Because I ran my heart out and budgeted for it. :)

I went to Walmart today and ended up buying another $100 in groceries. For those of you who laugh at that, remember that I'm single, and eat out too. ;) But there are just so many things I haven't had in so long! Like Eggo Waffles (which I'll have for breakfast tomorrow). And popcorn. And light whipped cream to put on my strawberries. Aaaaahhhhh....I love me some weight watchers.

So...here's the last thing I want to leave you with today- my friends. I was thinking about it this morning, and we only have 4 months left of this year. I went back in my journal to look at my New's Years resolutions for this year so I could see if I actually am on track- of course I couldn't find them anywhere. :) But I went ahead and made a few new goals to help me finish out the year strong. I joined a 300 mile club thing on Facebook that my friend sent to me- it's some kind of vow that I will run 300 miles before the end of the year. That's roughly 2.5 miles a day til the end of the year. :) SO EASY! I ran 5 today!!!

I just keep thinking- I want to finish this year out strong. I can do this! I don't want to have to get on some big kick at the beginning of next year like I do every year- I want to already be 'tight and right' as my roommate always says. Think about it, we're going to be seeing family and friends that we may not have seen for awhile (I will anyway). I want to look good for those moments!!! This is the time to buckle down and get serious. It's the end of the year- we're on the last leg. We can do this!!!!

You know the other thing I remembered that a few of us used to do that I haven't seen lately? Weekly goals. Like- I will NOT have any soda this week, and I will get all my water in. Remember these? We'd break it down and say- this week I will get all my vegetables. This week I will not have any sugar. This week I will work out everyday. It was so much easier when we were biting off little chunks instead of trying to do it all, all of the time. This week. From Wed to Wed- I'm drinking my water. ALL of my water. Everyday. It's yummy and I like it.

Okay- last thing...I'm torn. Should I start posting my weight losses on the side bar like I used to? It helps me when I see my successes. However, I don't like seeing it when I haven't lost anything. Give me your thoughts...

What's your goal this week??? LET'S DO THIS!!!

D

The Debate.

2010-09-06T22:23:00.000-07:00

I'm stressed out. Yet again.

The problem with being stressed when you're a food addict is that you want to just eat and eat. You want breads. You want sugar. You want warm sweetness drizzled on cold ice cream and fresh cake. You want hot cheesy breadsticks dipped in marinara sauce and some ranch. You want fettucine alfredo with warm soft hunks of bread to lap up that cream sauce once the noodles are gone. You want cold cheesecake. You want anything you can get your grubby hands on. Being on a diet like Fat Flush becomes a living hell.

I've been craving bready carbs anyway for the last few days. I'm so happy that I've made it this far, but I am starting to think Weight Watchers is the better option right now than Fat Flush. I had a really good conversation with a friend the other day about Weight Watchers and it reminded me of the greatness of WW. Sure, you have to track points, and that sucks. But it ends up being a small price to pay in order to be able to choose options that are normal. You get to go out to eat with friends. You get to make pasta dishes if you want carbs. You get to have the occasional frozen yogurt. It's real life. Fat Flush may be a really good option for a week- but you can never go out to eat; you can never go over to anyone else's house to eat- it's just not a good long term option for me. I needed the flush- yes I did and I'm glad I did it this week. It's always good to give your body a break and eat super healthy for a while to clean it out. I know I said 2 months, but I'm already losing steam and losing excitement over my diet. Sure I lost a few pounds, anyone would when all they're eating is fruits and veggies. But I'm realizing that I'd rather go back to weight watchers.

So that's where I'm at right now. I went to dinner with some girlfriends tonight to BJ's and ended up "cheating" on my diet and getting a mini vegetarian pizza, which only has 4 or 500 calories, but I feel so gross. My stomach literally has shooting pains and it's HUGE and bloated. The thing is, when I'm normally eating breads, it's not that big of a deal. I can't live without them- as much as I think I can, I can't. I love them too much. The buttery crust of my mini pizza was heaven on all accounts tonight and I knew I could never cut out carbs all the way. That's one of the main reasons I want to go back to Weight Watchers. Because I could've had that little pizza tonight and not felt guilty.

And I need to make a decision quick because if there is anything I've learned...it's that you can't combine a low carb diet (which is usually high in fats) with carbs (which I did tonight). It's the perfect formula for a scale bomb. So here I am; being stressed, and realizing that I might need to just humble myself and accept that WW may just be the best option for me.

It is tried and true...

D

Dates and Breaks.

2010-09-04T20:36:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that I've lost 3 pounds since Monday?

Yesterday was a huge day for me- dieting wise. It wasn't a perfect day by any means, but I did make some huge strides. I got really stressed out yesterday because I was slammed at work and started thinking I needed some sugar to compensate for my stress. I was on day 5 of no sugar; for the 2 nights previous to yesterday I had gotten a total of maybe 5 hours of sleep (between the two nights together), and I was craving like a crack fiend. BUT I DIDN'T GIVE IN. Did you read that right? YES YOU DID. It was a huge accomplishment for me, and one that I am SO proud of.

Nevermind that I am FULL of pizza and cookies right now- and reeling from the worst stomach ache. But I'll get to that.

So I came home from work last night and I was on a high from overcoming my cravings by myself and moving on, and then I remembered I had a date. That's right, it was a triple date, and I knew that we were going to the International Food Fair in Orange. And I knew that it was going to wreak havoc on my diet and I also knew that I wasn't going to be that girl in a group of people that couldn't eat anything. I also knew that there would be probably nothing I could eat at said fair that works with Fat Flush guidelines. That's alright, I committed in my mind that while I would go and have fun and eat, I would watch what I ate and avoid sugar if I could. Starchy carbs, while they should be out of the question, I was pretty sure I couldn't avoid them.

When the fair came- I got really lucky because my date isn't an eater. He isn't a foodie at ALL (and of course he's natually really skinny); so he asked me if we could just split a few different things and I was more than happy to do that because it cut down on my portion sizes. I also didn't ask for anything- I let him choose what he wanted and just split those things with him (turned out I had half a pulled pork sandwhich and half a gyro...I was completely satisfied and didn't want anything else). There really wasn't any guilt because I ate small portions and never got stuffed. I also figured I could work out Saturday and eat healthy all day Saturday and be back on track and be more than fine. I am really proud of myself for my day yesterday. You don't know what a big deal the not eating sugar thing was for me. It was monumental because I had a conscious moment where I was like- "I really need some sugar right now I'm super stressed"...and then I reminded mysef, "no Diz, you don't need it. You'll have to start all the way over from square one and you've made it this far. THIS is what you really want- to be done with it. Drink some water." YESSSSSSS!

Today started out innocently enough. Had a healthy peach smoothie for breakfast. Packed an apple and some veggies for snacks at work. I opted not to pack a lunch because I didn't know how long I was going to be at work and I already knew the director wanted to buy us lunch- so I didn't want to waste food. I was actually pretty proud of myself for lunch too because even though we ate out at a restaurant- again I had decent sized portions and stayed away from sugar and soda...and only had one small piece of bread before the food came (and only because I was starving to death- normally I would inhale the whole basket). Even though starchy carbs are NOT on the Fat Flush diet, I am okay with winging the weekends because this is life long changing for me, and it has to be realistic. If I can stay super healthy during the week- an occasional treat with a date or going out to eat is fine. More than fine. Plus I can always work out to counter act these things. I coasted through lunch so happy with myself.

Once I got home- the ultimate test happened. And I failed it. :) My roommate had family and friends over and they were baking cookies, they had ordered pizza, and everyone was sitting around laughing and watching movies. Guess who couldn't say no to sugar any longer. I might be able to say no most of the time- but bake some cookies in MY kitchen when I'm starving from working all day and I'm finally at my breaking point. I broke down and had pizza and cookies with everyone. I don't even feel bad about the pizza really because I kept the portions under control- but I did kind of go crazy on the cookies. And I'm paying the price right now...stomach ache. Oh well! The good news is I get to start over tomorrow.

Peach and Pumpkin Pie Spice...

2010-09-02T21:49:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, my smoothie wasn't as good as I expected. It wasn't bad, just not as yummy as i was anticipating. At the last second I threw in some pumpkin pie spice...yeah, don't try that in a peach smoothie if you create your own. I don't know why I thought pumpkin spice would be good in a peach smoothie...weird. I'm not sure I was really thinking at all, that's probably the first problem. But anyway, I still believe in the peach smoothie and I'm trying a different version tomorrow morning. My roommate didn't feel like turkey burgers last night so I made them myself and they turned out WAYYYYYY better than I thought they would. :) Yay for me! I cooked my own healthy dinner!!!

I'm still loving my life on Fat Flush. I was thinking about it today- and even though I miss sugar- I don't miss it that bad. I don't miss what it does to me (the headaches; the binges; the hangovers). I'm ready more than ever for my new life of fresh fruits and crisp healthy vegetables, lean meats, and refreshing water. I've been mentally preparing myself for this for a few weeks now and I'm enjoying it. I feel strong. I have repeatedly mentally rehearsed the idea that this is a permanent lifestyle change- and I feel like now I'm starting to reap the positive effects of that decision and practice. And it's so new! I can't wait to see how it feels in six months from now. Permanent. Not because I'm trying to lose weight, and not until maintenance- and then I can eat crap again. No. I can practice restraint in my life- I realized one day during one of my mental rehearsals that I have cut out other things in the past that were bad for me and I can cut out bad foods too. It's a habit and a practice just like any other practice or habit and I can change it if I want to. I just have to focus; I'm focusing.

No more haze and ultimately depression. The depression is 2 fold; 1 part guilt, 1 part sugar. Did you know that crap foods are directly linked to depression and stress? As in- they definitely can trigger depression (and probably enhance stress). And healthy foods are linked to feelings of happiness, joy, and contentment. And Health!!! There are scientific studies done on it and it's a proven fact. Which is yet another reason that healthy people are usually happier and less stressed than those of us who eat like crap consistently. I should find the link where I read that recently. Think about it; think about the healthy people you know in your life. It makes sense. I'm happy to put all of that behind me now. Now I get to focus on feeling light- feeling healthy- feeling clean and strong and healthy and alert and happy. I actually like the way I feel right now- and I'm focusing on that more than anything else. I'm sure there will be days that I struggle or days that I crash- but I don't even want to think about those days. I can't. I want to be positive and remember that I can be healthy- all the time.

I didn't sleep well last night though; the supplements keep me awake, so I didn't take them with dinner tonight. I asked my friend (who is doing it with me) if she is having problems sleeping, and she said no- she's actually sleeping like a log since we started this thing. I tried last night (while awake at 4 am) to figure out online which supplement had the side effect of keeping me awake- but none of them claim that side effect. It's probably just me- I have a tendency to have opposite side effects with herbal supplements.

So yeah- it's day 4. It wasn't perfect- I didn't work out today (because I didn't sleep last night), and I didn't make perfect food choices- but I made good choices that were still healthy and I feel good and I'm happy.

This gum is killing me.

2010-09-01T15:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I spend all my free time scouring recipes on the internet now. I actually enjoy looking at all the food options out there and trying to figure out if it will work with my Fat Flush plan or not. I went shopping today and spent almost $100 buying food. I'm not even sure what I bought, but I promise you it's all healthy! Healthy eating is so expensive, gag. I should've taken a picture of my cart though- it was full of items that were so healthy and so delicious, you might get me confused with Christine Avanti. And even though I'm missing sugar like crazy, I know it's going to be okay. I kind of like the pain...or at least that's what I tell myself. :)

Today is kind of a hard, and kind of an easy day. Hard because I feel like crap is leaving my system and my system is kind of wanting more. I miss sugar pretty badly today- and nothing seems to suffice. I'm chewing an old piece of gum right now that has lost all of it's flavor, but is the closest thing to a 'treat' I can have while detoxing. I wonder if I'm going to look younger once the sugar is out of my system. :) Haha, I know that sounds crazy, but I was thinking about it while at the store today in the check out lane. I was watching the lady in front of me, and I just kept wondering to myself- if sugar is hard on the body...does your body show that hardness over time? I would assume so. But now I'm off on a tangent; sorry.

Today is easy because I have delicious meals planned. I'm so excited to try a peach smoothie tomorrow for breakfast that I can't wait. Will it taste like a peach milkshake? That's what I keep imagining, but I doubt it. But it should still be yummy. Tonight for dinner I'm having turkey burgers (minus the bread- obvi) with tomato slices and some grilled veggies on the side. HEAVEN! Have I ever told you that my roommate makes the best turkey patties/burgers alive? I am super excited about dinner.

I am also going to spinning tonight, and working out with the crossfit trainer before the spin class. While I can't necessarily see a difference yet, I feel the difference. I'm working out hard, I'm eating healthy, and my system is starting to finally clean out a little. I can't wait til Monday to weigh in and see what the difference is..

How are you guys doing?

The 2nd day of the millionth attempt

2010-08-31T22:29:00.000-07:00

Today was a good, good day.

I ran 3.5 miles. Not much, but I just left the house and started running and ran a new route and had no idea how far it was until I got home and mapped it on mapmyrun.com. So, it seemed long at the time. And I just started working out consistently as of yesterday again...so it's going to take time to build back up.

I also feel really strong right now. I feel like I could do this forever; I just need new recipes and to try new things. I like eating healthy. I like working out. I like having structure...and a plan. I have been having little headaches throughout the day, but I'm 100% convinced it's caffeine withdrawal. I read in the book that one couple had caffeine headaches for up to four days!

I'm starting to wonder if maybe I have an allergen to gluten or starchy carbs or something. I just feel so much better when I'm not eating them. Don't get me wrong- I love my carbs. All kinds of carbs. Sugar carbs, starchy carbs, healthy carbs, unhealthy carbs...I'll eat them anyway I can get them. But I feel so different when I'm eating them all the time. I feel full and gross. I feel lethargic. I'm too tired and too full to work out if I'm eating lots of carbs.

Anyway- now I'm rambling. Today was a good day. No, today was a GREAT day. Tomorrow is going to be even better because I'm going to plan something super yummy to eat for dinner! Yay for structure! Yay for getting off sugar and getting off caffeine and eating healthy and working out and feeling good.

D

Attempt: 5,674,353,346

2010-08-30T22:01:00.000-07:00

Today was my first official day back on Fat Flush.

It was a little anti-climactic, to say the least. I've been waiting for this day for a few weeks now. It felt good to have all of my ducks in a row and do all of the little things I needed to do to make this day great, but in all honesty I'm a little leery right now. Why? It's not the Fat Flush diet; it's me. I don't trust myself to make my goal, and I really want to. I recognize that I need to be on a structured eating program in order to see the best results- I am not disciplined enough to just "do it on my own", as so many others can. Calories tend to creep in my mouth without me acknowledging them if I'm not constantly staying aware. I need help- it's not "normal" for me to eat healthy AND eat the right portion sizes on my own without help yet, but that's okay. I'm learning about myself and what my body needs, I just hope I am not as hard on myself this time around as I have been in the past. If I mess up, I have to remember, it's okay. I have to learn to not be upset if I make a mistake, we all make them.

At the same time, I am tired of being on and then off again. I recognize (and have been thinking seriously about it over the last few days/weeks) that I need to learn that this is a lifestyle change and seriously change my life- for good. There have been so many times in the past that I've said this, only to eventually revert back to my old ways. I still have yet to learn how to make this permanent. The good news is: I know it's a series of trying and failing, then trying again. I know it's also a matter of learning your weaknesses and how to overcome them. I recognize that this has got to be permanent in order for me to inevitably beat my struggle with weight. And I want to try again. I know I can do this and I believe in myself that one day I will beat this struggle for good and conquer my weaknesses...hopefully forever. I know that might sound a little crazy- but think about it. If every time you fall, you get up and hold on just a little longer- eventually you will not fall anymore. Right?

I know this all sounds intense, I guess it is in a way. I feel like I am coming back to the beginning. I finally remember where square one is. You know the one where you are pretty humbled and you suddenly start to realize that this is a battle you are going to have to fight for the rest of your life? The one where you admit to yourself you have issues with food? It's not the end of the world- it's not the humiliation phase- it's the step after that. It's the hope of something new- it's the recognition that it's a lot of work and you will have to give it everything you have (again). I know that I can do this; and it's been a long time since I was all the way back to square one...but I needed to come back here to begin again. Honestly- I'm glad to be back to square one. I know that there will be times that I fall...and I also know that in order to be successful I have to pick myself up again and keep trying. But I'm glad to finally be back here- I have hope again.

So yeah, I'm back 'on the wagon'. Back to 'square one'. I've been eating pretty healthy lately anyway (except for a few treats on my trip). My body just doesn't feel the same when I splurge/binge/eat bad/whatever; which is good that I'm starting to recognize how I feel and what I don't enjoy anymore (feeling sick and bloated and heavy and tired). I've been thinking lately about what I enjoy- I enjoy working out. I agree with Kenz that our bodies crave it. I need to work out to release stress. I also enjoy healthy foods- I just don't know enough recipes. But that's the exciting part of this program! I will get to try some new things and expand my horizons a bit. Continuing to do crossfit with my friend is really helping me get out of my workout rut...and she's also doing Fat Flush with me too. It's so nice to have a friend to do this with- hopefully I can really see this through to the end like I really want right now...

So yeah- there's my speech of the day. Regarding my trip: It was so nice to get out of California. But I'm even more excited to be home and to have today actually be here. I didn't actually go to Vegas as planned, but ended up in Utah instead. I went to see my beautiful friend for her baby shower (it's her first- a little guy named AJ- how cute is that?). Even though I didn't really get to talk to her long, it was good to see her and see how great she's doing. I had a lot of time to think over the weekend, and I needed that.

I hope you're all doing well! Can't wait to catch up on everyone's blogs...

D

Food Addiction and Diz. Am I an addict too?

2010-08-25T11:53:00.000-07:00

A friend/reader (Katie J) recently posted a blog about the symptoms of being a food addict and I have been thinking about it since I read it. Here's the link to the post if you're interested:

http://katiejweightlossjourney.blogspot.com/2010/08/am-i-food-addict.html

Now, I don't want to get into too much detail because you can read her blog for the breakdown, but I know I exhibit several, if not most of these symptoms. Which would make me a food addict. Should be that cut and dry- but for some reason I'm struggling with this idea of me being a food addict. I honestly don't think I'm in denial, but maybe I am. I will admit that I have issues...but I don't think they are any bigger or more intense than any of my friends issues with food. I have so many girlfriends who have issues with food (if we're going off of these symptoms)- than I dare say most of my friends have some sort of issue. And some of them have much bigger issues with food than I do.

But what if I can admit that I have this "problem"? Even if my issues aren't big, if I can learn tools to help me, isn't that a benefit to me?

So I've been thinking about going to Overeater's Anonymous. Although I'm not big, and I do not believe I have big issues, I want to know what tools they teach you- so that I can learn something new and maybe apply those tools to my own life, and my own struggles when I have them. If it helps in even the smallest way, isn't it worth checking out?

And yet, something about it terrifies me too. I just keep imagining people sitting in these big circles in a cold room, crying as they talk about their addictions and the hold it has over them. I don't know if emotionally I'm in that dark of a hole, and I do get affected by other people's chaos pretty easily. I just don't want to fall further down the rabbit hole if I'm not that far down to begin with- you know? Does that make sense?

So I'll continue thinking about it. Has anyone been to OA? Can they shed any light on it for the rest of us???

Vitamins and Supplements...vitamins and supplements

2010-08-24T23:40:00.000-07:00

My supplements finally came!!! I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. Bring on the Fat Flush!!! We're supposed to start on Monday- after I get back from Vegas (which is this weekend). I don't know honestly if I can wait until next week. I've been feeling like such crap lately- I've been so ready to do this...I just don't know if I can wait. I found a website today that has Fat Flush recipes and I'm excited to try to new things and just be healthy again. My body is craving healthy...

I was telling my friend tonight about doing Fat Flush and my goal to just change my eating habits permanently. We ended up having a long chat about kicking sugar out of our diets and how much better you feel once it's finally out of your system. It only reinforced my thoughts that I need more structure and less sugar. I don't know if that's normal or not, but I hope it is. I am really excited to do this and gain some control- I hope I can maintain the control...that's the biggest thing here. The truth of the matter is- I'm just lazy. I don't want to prepare my meals- I want to buy them prepared for me. I don't want to work out- I want to watch TV. And lately I've been cutting myself extra slack on my weight; remember when I had the epiphany that I'm okay? Yeah, it's still lingering. Not that I want it to leave- but it's hard to be or stay motivated when you start to think nothing is wrong. Which leads me back to the original issues- I want to be healthy (that's why I should work out- not because I need to lose weight). Does that make sense?

I also checked out Overeater's Anonymous' website tonight per a tip from a reader...and it looks really interesting to me. I'm half tempted/half scared to go to a meeting. Part of me feels like my problems aren't serious enough for OA...the other part of me wonders if I'm just in denial and that's why I don't go. Which is it? I don't know, but I'm going to sit on this stump for a little while longer.

And there is a quick ramble of my thoughts for the evening. It's almost midnight friends- I have to get to bed before I crash in front of the computer. XO!

D

Another Confession

2010-08-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

Well, my supplements still haven't come in the mail...so I'm still just kind of doing whatever while I wait for them to get here.

This weekend was particularly bad. It was a nonstop party all weekend, NR and I had one of our besties staying at our house and another one came in on Friday- and we all just ate like pigs all weekend, with no working out. When I say pigs, I mean absolute pigs. Friday night we ordered pizza and breadsticks, and got a bunch of sodas to drink. As soon as we were done gorging on that, NR made caramel popcorn balls- which were insane. Pure butter and sugar- pure deliciousness. I ate so much I thought I was going to pop- something about the breadsticks and then the popcorn balls set off some kind of carb binge and I couldn't stop eating. I mean, everyone else was sitting around watching whatever was on the TV- and I was in the kitchen, stuffing down more breadsticks. It was disgusting to say the least, and I knew when I was doing it. I kept thinking- you're not hungry- stop. And I didn't. :) Saturday morning, me and my girls ended up at Bagel Mania for a little breakfast time before we started off the day. I was so carbed out and just feeling gross- and it only continued throughout the day. That day ended at 3 am on Saturday night/Sunday morning after being at Denny's with more friends after a party that we were at (I had French Toast- believe it...another 900 calories), and I was tipping the scales with numbers I have not seen in over a year before I went to bed. Again, I was NOT hungry when we went to Denny's. I seriously don't know why I have this need to eat around other people, even when I'm not hungry. Especially when I'm not hungry- for some reason I just don't want to be the one to say "no". I am afraid of being 'that girl'; the one that is like- no thanks, I'm not hungry. ???? It's so bizarre.

Anyway, I got up Sunday and tried to do a little damage control- I didn't eat until noon and ended up having 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches before I felt disgusting again and basically didn't eat for the rest of the night. I mean, I completely and utterly let myself go through out the whole weekend, which was interesting because normally there is some kind of self restraint. I only know that because I was aware of it when I let it go. NR and I were talking about it last night when we were discussing the things that happened over the weekend and we were both like- "what just happened?" I haven't acted like that (no control) in over a year I feel like. I mean, I've had my little episodes, but going a whole weekend? The odd thing is, I don't really feel that guilty- just physically disgusting. But I'm glad I feel it- it helps me know that that kind of behavior isn't normal for me anymore and that I eat better than that. While it was fun to let go and enjoy ourselves, if I've learned anything over the last year- it's that I'm healthier than that. It's okay though- I'm not beating myself up for it- just telling you what happened.

This morning I weighed in at 143, which shocked me. I mean, SHOCKED me. I don't understand how weight works sometimes. I am so thankful that this weekend really didn't affect me that bad- and that I can get up and clean up today. I still feel gross and sick today- but the good news is I have a little hope and excitement in me. I can eat clean today. I'm sure my supplements for Fat Flush are coming in the mail today and I'm excited to start eating healthy again and feeling light and healthy again- cause this feeling of garbage feels gross. Next time I want to binge on caramel popcorn- hopefully I remember this disgusting feeling and don't do it. :)

So yay for a new week! Yay for healthy eating and working out!!! I'm excited for this day!!

D

Fat Flush away...

2010-08-21T15:56:00.000-07:00

My new workout buddy/trainer friend Mandy and I decided today that we're going to attempt to do Fat Flush for 2 months. I'm scared and excited. I don't know if I can hang on for 2 months- but if I can, I think it will be the longest I've eaten such a clean diet in my life. What will it feel like to have sugar, white flour, starchy carbs, and processed foods out of my system? I don't even know. How much more energy will I have? Will I look younger too (please)? What it's going to boil down to for me is discipline.

I'm going to have to work hard for these two months anyway because Ragnar is towards the end. I'm still debating on dropping off the team. Not because I'm scared or don't think I can do it- I've done it before. I'm worried that I have too many things on my plate and I get stressed easily. I have all kinds of lovely crap happening at work, I may or may not be moving at some point in the near future- which was also unexpected and stressful, and now I'm going to have this killer diet that I'm going to have to deal with. Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying "I'm going to have to deal with" in negative terms. I am excited about doing Fat Flush. But in order to be successful with this- I'm going to have to stay focused. Focused on trying new recipes, shopping, planning, logging and journaling....all things I don't do now. I just feel like all of that on my plate INCLUDING Ragnar might just be a little too much. We'll see- I'll try to give it a go and see how things work out.

We're going to do Fat Flush to the fullest this time too. Last time I didn't buy all the supplements- this time I got everything except one (lipase- where the crap do you find lipase?). I also didn't do the trampoline work outs- this time around Mandy is looking for a trampoline for us too.

I'm also happy about this because I have been thinking for the last week that I really want to be on a more structured program when it comes to my eating...for life. I know it's hard and sometimes we fall. But I have no structure what so ever. I eat whatever I want; when I want. I get upset if I eat too much sugar or don't work out, but most of the time I choose these things in the moment and of course, that leaves me open to choosing not to do something. Or to do too much of it (sugar). Or in other words, it's based off of how I feel in the moment- and we all know that isn't a good way to make a decision. I just think I'm more successful if I have a plan. I could be more successful with weight loss if I have a plan.

Sometimes in the past I've done something like Weight Watchers and it worked (I totally believe in WW program), but I didn't plan past losing 2 pounds a week to get to my goal. I didn't prepare myself for what I would do if I didn't meet the goal. I didn't plan on how I could be most effective in getting to that goal. I would just make a goal and start counting points and hope the rest fell into place. I've been thinking about this a lot and I'm starting to realize, I need more structure in order to be more successful at this. So that is what i'm trying to do with this Fat Flush 2 month plan. I just hope I can plan enough to keep myself from having a fall...

Okay, either tomorrow or Monday- depending on when we officially start- I will post pre- pics and pre weights/measurements, yada yada. I will also write out my goals for this other than- be healthy and how I plan to achieve these goals. I won't be posting rewards because I don't want to focus on any reward other than feeling better. The reward here is me being a healthier- happier girl. :)

I'll keep you guys posted on the events as they unfold!!!

D

Friday Fun.

2010-08-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

I wish I could tell you guys about work. The plot is thickening and thickening and thickening. I feel like I am swallowing some thick sludgy cement mix- and it's hardening in the back of my throat.

This morning I tried to go to Subway on my way into the office to get one of my favorite healthy breakfast sandwich things...only the subway that I normally go to went missing. Excuse me? How the hell does a whole store just disappear? There was a faded sign on the building where the Subway sign used to be that said "Steakhouse". It was faded...as in...it had been there forever. I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone today; it's like adding a nice frosting on my already frustrated cake of crap.

Then, as I sit here and think about why this day is complete hell, I get a note from someone on the Ragnar team letting me know that the leg I signed up for was taken over by one of my teammates and I'll need to register for another leg. A HARDER leg. I'm now seriously considering dropping out of the race. I'm pissed. This is how the whole day is going. I tried to go running last night and couldn't even make it 5 miles- that's how out of shape I am lately.

Sorry to be such a negative Nancy- I know this day will get better. It's just how life goes sometimes- crap piles up. The good news is that it's FRIDAY! Hallelujah!

HCG is NG (no go)

2010-08-18T16:33:00.000-07:00

Well, after all the comments yesterday, I realized I obviously needed to do more research in regards to HCG and my thyroid. Duh! :) After spending a few hours on the web and not really finding anything that specifically addressed these two issues together, I did find a website that was pretty specific for people with thryoid issues. There were forums, and blogs, and links to other websites. I started researching what other people were doing to lose weight and/or maintain with their thyroid issues, and I found so many useful comments! I don't know why I haven't researched more fully into my disease. I actually have Hashimoto's Disease, which is an autoimmune disease where the antibodies in your body attack your thyroid. I guess because I went to the doctor when I was 21 and he told me to take this pill and everything would be fine, I never questioned it. I've never really had any sensitivities to any foods that I'm aware of, so I've just never thought about researching and testing my body more fully to see about myself and what triggers cause problems for me. But these websites and forums and blogs were so helpful that I (again) am on a whole new path.

I've decided not to do the HCG diet. While I did find some people who have issues with their thyroid who have had great results, I personally do not want to take any risks. If you do not take care of your body, you could harm your health, and once it's gone, it's so hard to get back. I do not take my health lightly! I am not saying that HCG doesn't work for everyone, I'm just saying for me in my life right now, I have chosen not to do it right now.

I went through 172 comments before finally realizing that women who ate a vegetarian/vegan lifestyle seemed to have the most success at losing weight and keeping it off with regards to thyroid issues. Or at least they commented the most. :) I've been thinking about this a lot. While I'm not quite ready to go back to a vegan/vegetarian lifestyle quite yet, I am definitely ready to start thinking about my diet. This morning I started reading the Fat Flush diet again, and for now before Vegas, I am going to do that diet again. It is a cleansing diet that helps flush your system of excess toxins- sounds perfect to do right before Vegas. :) I've done it before and I think it's a great diet- just hard for me to maintain for too long. It's just super healthy and we all know I am not the healthiest girl when it comes to food and especially treats.

Which means of course, that today I had to go to McDonald's to enjoy a Quarter Pounder before I start the Fat Flush again. I mean, it's the nastiest thing I could think of. It was close to work and I thought, who knows how long it's going to be until I have a value meal again? (how long has it been since I've eaten McD's? I don't even know) Don't worry, it's been so long since I've had a full on value meal at McDonald's that I was absolutely shocked when the lady quoted back a $6.73 price tag on my QP. Excuse me? When did McD's get so expensive? Not to mention my burger was completly greasy and sickening. I don't know why I thought it would be good- it made me sick. I don't know how people eat fast food on a regular basis. It was absolutely nasty. But I ate every fry...and every bite. And sucked down all of my Diet Coke. :) And my stomach is STILL hurting (it's 4:27 pm...ate it about 3 hours ago). Not hurting- hurting...but just feels like I consumed a brick and it's sitting in my big intestine...rotting there.

Anyway- so that's the latest. Back to FF. I love that diet. I wish I could make that type of eating my lifestyle. It's basically no starchy carbs and no dairy. It cleans you out, makes you feel healthy and lean, and works! When I get back from Vegas, I'm serious about figuring out which kind of diet works best for me. Whether it's doing something like WW, or something like a vegan/vegetarian lifestyle, I need to find something that I can do long term. Not for weight loss- but for healthy living.

What do you do for your health???

D

Quick Fix

2010-08-17T16:51:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot today.

Yesterday I came to a new place. A place of peace. Was it me finally giving in to the 5-10 pounds that I hate? No. They are still there and will still be battled with- furiously. But I decided that beating myself up constantly over the 5-10 isn't worth my time- I have better things to do. I decided this morning to start enjoying my food and try my best not to eat in excess. I decided this morning that Weight Watchers really is one of the best plans out there- though I don't plan on going back anytime soon. I like it best though because I feel like it's for real life. It's true weight loss in a healthy way, you know?

Of course, right when I come to these decisions, NR gets a phone call. We were meandering around Ikea- (we've been on a house rampage for 5 days) and her sister called to tell her the "drops got here in the mail". Immediately she took her sister off speaker-phone and went to another part of the store to talk in private. I continued to look at my shoe racks.

NR came back 10 minutes later. "Listen, I was going to tell you, I was, but I haven't had time..." this was going somewhere great, I could already tell (sarcasm ladies). Let me back up a second and give you more of the story:

When our other friend initially told us we were going to Vegas- she told us all that we had better get our butts in gear because she is actually performing at an event that will be broadcasting on TV. I'm not sure how much I can say about it, so I won't say anything else. She has been on a rampage to lose a few pounds because she is going to be on TV, which was understandable to the rest of us. She told us though that the rest of us better be on a rampage too, because let's just say there are going to be a LOT of hot, single bachelors around for this event. (WISH I could tell you more!) We all immediately sat down and started discussing options to losing weight fast. What could we do? Ultimately, NR, Coco and I decided we didn't want to be a part of any of the crazy stuff because we knew it wasn't good for our bodies. Then I cricked my neck and didn't work out for two weeks. So much for losing any weight. The other girls have been hitting it hard though, and look pretty good, if I do say so myself.

So now, NR's sister is doing HCG. She and NR have been discussing it nonstop since last week- and NR is on board and ready to do it too. She has already purchased stuff for me too- but I am a little hesitant. I've had a few friends that have done HCG in the past and they have warned me not to do it because it messes up your metabolism and you go back to gaining all of your weight anyway (always fun). NR's sister got this from her doctor though and the doctor has done it as well and says that it will work and if we have questions, she will be there for us. Of course we have to follow the diet to a T, yada yada, but she says it will work. It did on the doctor. She also gave NR's sister a book to read and told us to read it too- NR's sister is reading it now. She is sold and NR is too. I don't know what to do. Of course I would love to lose 5 pounds before Vegas. I've pretty much given up any hope that I will lose that much by next weekend. But I also love my body and don't want to do something to it that will hurt it. And I don't want to pay for it later...as you do with fad diets.

She says you lose visceral fat first (fat around your organs, the most dangerous kind), then adipose fat (fat in your gut) then fat that's in the sinews and stuff- if you keep going. We have a week and a half. It would be nice to lose 5 pounds before Vegas. I don't want to be the only biggun. Because NR and I are not big girls, we would only need to do one cycle and then we'd be done. There are three programs- a 15 day for people that need to lose 10-15 pounds; a 30 day for people that need to lose 20-40 lbs, and then a 40+ program. There is a girl in my church that has lost over 50 pounds and still going on HCG. I talked to her a week ago about it and she swears by it. However, she's in the middle of the weight loss phase. I don't know what happens after you're done. If we started now (which NR is starting today and i'm supposed to too), we could easily have 5 pounds gone by Vegas.

Does anyone know anything about HCG? Has anyone tried it? Tips!!!! Advice! I want to hear it all!!!!

Thanks friends- xoxo

D

To my Friends.

2010-08-16T21:06:00.000-07:00

Well- Again, in a matter of hours, I have come to a new place of understanding. This time though, it's thanks to you- my friends.

It started with Genie's comment- she said I had a tenacious spirit and I thought, wow- I really really appreciate that. This is coming from a woman who has been reading my blog for months, and I don't take that lightly. I feel like she really understands who I am or who I am trying to be. We're both writers and we enjoy our little blogs- and she gets that about me and I love that about her. She has told me repeatedly that I am inspiring and because I respect her tremendously, that means a lot to me. It really does- thank you Genie.

Then I read Gina's comment and thought- I love having girls read my page that get me. They know. This girl is on the same journey as I am and I love reading her blog and she gives me hope and inspiration too. I hope she loves reading my blog as much as I love reading hers. We're in the same boat! I love knowing that there are women out there that are on the same journey as me. I love seeing her comments because to me, it is as if I was talking to myself. It's funny to me how much this girl has come to mean to me in such a relatively short period of time. Because I see her striving for the same goals I guess. ;) I don't know but Gina girl- you make me happy!

LDSwims. We're new friends. But already you are making a name for yourself in my book. :) I read that comment earlier today and then went about my day...all day thinking about your comment. You are right- I am healthy, and I am real. And I was back then too. I don't know why, because what you said to me is not something new. I mean, it's not something that hasn't been said to me before. But for some reason it finally clicked in my brain. It sunk in really really deep today; hopefully for good. Thank you so much- your comment really touched my heart and opened my eyes. I am not fat. If you look at my BMI- I am in a "normal" healthy weight range. All of this obsession- it's in my mind. Yes, I live in Southern California where eating disorders run rampant and I've begun to compare myself to these girls as if they're normal. I'm normal! I am 32 years old, I am thinner than I was in that picture, and it's okay. I'm okay. I AM a girl that is happy and loves life. Maybe you're right, LDSwims, it's time to ease up on myself...You are right and I thank you. Thank you for saying it in a way that was positive and kind and for being real with me. I wish I could write the right words to have you understand what you're comment did to me today- seriously, thank you. :)

Then I read Brynn's comment. Brynn- I have to address this little paragraph to you because I don't have your email and I can't get on your blog otherwise I would've emailed you personally. I want you to know that when I saw those scriptures and realized you're LDS too, I was seriously touched and humbled. Thank you so much. You have to remember, I know NOTHING about you. :) And yet I am so happy you read my blog and make comments for me. It's okay that your blog is private. As long as you come back and find my comments back to you so you know that I am reading and listening and hearing what you have to say to me, I am okay with not reading your blog. I just wanted to show you support you on your journey, since you have been so supportive of me on mine. But as long as you know that I am thinking about you, wherever you are, and I care about you and pray for you- then I am satisfied. Thank you for your words on my blog- and your support on my journey. I want you to know that I hope that you are happy where you are in your life because you deserve happiness and all the blessings Heavenly Father has for you. I don't even know you, and I know those blessings are so great. Thank you.

As I went about my day today- running around with NR and doing errands, I have been so happy to realize I am okay. I DO need to keep working out, and KEEP watching what I eat, but I am OKAY. We had so much fun today, NR and I. We've been laughing and being crazy all day. I came home tonight and went to do my workout with my church friend. Um...can we say that she kicked my ass in about 10 minutes? This is what she made me do tonight: run about the block, drop and do 20 pushups, then do lunges with weights to the garbage bin and back- 3 TIMES. TIMED. Not stopping- sprinting because I was being timed. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I was huffing so hard at the end that my throat went sore. We set up a schedule to meet twice a week and I came home and hopped in the shower. Now- there are a bunch of people milling around my living room and socializing and laughing really hard and I am locked in my room right now, supposedly getting dressed (instead I'm typing this post). Which means I have to go soon because I need to dry my hair and put some clothes on (still in my towel).

I just want to say thank you to all of you. Every last one of you who commented on my blog yesterday and today seriously touched my heart; every single one of you. Deb, Chunky Chick, Sib, Draz. All of you are my friends. All of you have been with me for months and your comments have lifted me, inspired me, and carried me through my struggles. I care about each of you deeply. I love you. I love reading your blogs and seeing your journeys and enjoying your comments. You 4 are so wonderful and I did not forget you; I'm just running out of time right now.

All of you are right about one thing- I am a fun girl, a lively girl, a healthy girl. I work out hard. I eat a lot sometimes. I enjoy my food too much and sometimes eat stuff that is not the best for me. I'm working on it- but it's okay. Sometimes I have a better grip on it than other times. It's okayyyyy. I'm learning and I have a great life. :)

I love you all so much- thank you so much-

D

These are my Confessions...

2010-08-15T23:21:00.000-07:00

****Warning: This is going to be a long post- sorry- working out some issues mentally. ;)****

Yesterday NR and I were cleaning out the garage to create space for one of us to actually park one of our cars in it and I came across a box with a bunch of old pictures in it. I was flipping through the pictures, reminiscing of a wonderful time about 8 years ago when my sister and I were gallivanting around Europe- not having a care in the world. My sister, has lost about 50-60 pounds since then. I have lost about 10-15. My roommate and I kept laughing about how, other than my hideous hair, I look the exact same. And then I came across this picture:

Please excuse the blurriness of the picture, I had to take a picture of the picture because I don't have a scanner. :) My sister snapped this picture at the Eiffel Tower- we were climbing the stairs (was it 84 flights?) because we were too "in shape" to use the elevators...hahahaha.

This picture stirred up something inside me.

Now, this is my blog, so I can write what I want. In the beginning, this blog was here to be a safe haven for me to write about my fears and my struggles in regards to weight loss. Over the last year it's changed and morphed and changed again, and I don't write my fears or struggles as much, but they're still here with me.

I've been thinking a lot about this picture and I realized something today. Up until today I've always considered myself to be a pretty fit girl, who occasionally needs to lose a few pounds. I've struggled to get those few pounds off during the last few years. Even the "About me" section of this blog describes me as this fit girl who moved to CA and gained a little, but wants to get back to 'who I was'.

And then I find this picture. This is me at 24-ish? I wasn't fit, "in shape", thin, or skinny. No, I wasn't fat; I wasn't obese. But I wasn't who I picture myself to be in my mind.

I remember my freshman year in High School when I started running Cross Country. I remember several occasions where my friends and even my mother mentioned to me more than once that all that running was "changing my shape and my body". All of the "cottage cheese" was leaving my thighs and butt, my mom told me. It wasn't something she was congratulating me on- she could care less. My mother has never cared either way; she's loved me regardless of my size and always will. But I wasn't a thin teenager; even when I was running Cross Country. I remember coming home from practice once and finishing off a whole tub of ice cream. Did I have an eating disorder? No. Was I eating emotionally because I was a forlorn teen? Maybe but I doubt it. No, I ate it because I was in the mood for something cold after a hot run. I never learned how to control my portions or how to be healthy. I grew up in a house where there were no rules; you could eat whatever you wanted whenever you wanted and you didn't have to work out if you didn't want to. In fact, the more I think about it- the more things like "working out" weren't really a part of our world. I mean, sure, we knew what it was. But my mother never did it. My father never did it. No one actually worked out until I decided to run Cross Country, and when I signed up for it, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I quit the next year.

My siblings and I were never told we were fat and that we needed to work out like some of my friends have told me their mothers would tell them. I honestly never knew I was overweight. I was just close enough to normal that I wasn't hindered in any way. I still ran around with the most beautiful girls; always have. Even though I was always chubby, I was still able to have fun and meet boys and do whatever it was that my friends were doing. I've been thankful in the past when other girls have told me horrific stories of how their mothers would ground them unless they ran or worked out. It's pretty standard, according to my friends (that their mothers would put them on diets or tell them to work out or whatever). Part of the reason there were no rules in our house is because my mother was on a diet, thanks to my grandmother, since she was 4. Now I wonder how I will raise my children when it's my turn. I want them to learn to be healthy; while I would never want my child to feel bad about him or herself, I also feel it's my responsibility to teach my hypothetical child that there are boundaries and consequences for their choices and actions.

That sentence right there- "I was always chubby", is the one that I'm finally admitting to myself tonight. For some reason, for the last 10+ years, I've never admitted it. I've known deep down; but I didn't want to admit I have weight problems. I've always convinced myself, and tried to convince everyone else, that I'm someone who was/is in shape with just a few pounds to lose. But that's not true; I have weight issues. Not horrific weight issues; I don't hate myself or loathe my life. But for some reason I just realized that in order for me to ever be truly successful at being thin- I have to admit and recognize my problems and my weaknesses. I will never be the thin girl that doesn't have to work out and doesn't have to watch what she eats. It's just not in the cards for me. I hate it, but as I sit here and think about it, I don't know why I idolize girls like that. But I always have.

I complained about all of this to my sister tonight on the phone. I love my sister more than everything in the whole world- which means that is a LOT. :) You know what she said to me, in a way that only a sister can? That I can not begin blaming my family life or the way I was raised for the choices I am making right now. Of course it may be a little harder sometimes because eating whatever I want has always been my way of life. Even though I understand eating healthy, I have still not embraced it as a lifestyle change (again- first time to honestly admit this to myself. Wow- all kinds of truth is really seeping to the surface when I let it). I am a grown woman now that lives away from home- and I can make my own choices. I don't need to painfully remember or discover that I've always been a chubster. Instead I can recognize that...that is my past. My future is my choice. I may need to work a little harder- but my sister especially has proven to me that it can be done. She has lost just under 80 pounds. I am not destined to hold on to these last 20 pounds forever. It is not my fate to have no control and no strength when it comes to losing weight. But I have GOT to start being honest with myself. I can do it. And I can lose these damn 20 pounds.

I'm not trying to label myself either. 'Oh wo is me...I'm a chubby girl'- No. I'm just trying to accept that I wasn't and am still not this chick I've always imagined I was/am. So what though? Instead I'm trying to find a new way to resolve an old problem. Maybe if I just uncover and accept my issues I can change them. Maybe it will help me to love myself more. I know I can get intense (obviously). But sometimes intensity works- and I need it to stay focused on what I'm doing. This is real for me. Raw. Honest. I'm kind of scared to publish this post, if you really want to know the truth.

I talked to a girl at my church today who is just starting to become a personal trainer- she has no clients yet. She is going to start training me and she has sworn up and down that Cross Fit will get me into the best shape of my life (it did her anyway). I admitted to her (again- a first) that I feel like I have been in a rut for several years now. I either run, or occasionally lift weights- but the weight routine is so old that I cannot force myself to do it longer than 2 weeks at best. I'm bored to tears with it. And while I love running- it's not really bringing me the results I want. She promises to shake things up- and even wrote on my facebook wall tonight that she has already planned my first work out. Eeek! I'm scared but excited.

It is NOT my destiny to be chubby forever.

"sometimes our vulnerability is our strength, our fears develop courage, and our woundedness is the road to our integrity."

Distracted.

2010-08-12T17:04:00.000-07:00

I'm bursting at the seams.

I guess I should just say here that I'm so grateful for the opportunities that come along every once in awhile that make my life great. Even if they happen often,, sometimes I don't recognize them. But every once in awhile something really great will happen and there's no way I can deny it and I'm just reminded that yet again I'm surrounded by good people and great opportunities (is there another word please?).

I swear in a matter of weeks, I will be able to talk all about everything wonderful that is happening. And I can't wait for that day. Please stay tuned until then- I will try to stay focused and find some meaningful things to talk about.

XOXO!!!!!

D

Nothing solid.

2010-08-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't know how it happened...but for 3 days now I've had no caffeine, and no sugar. What? I wasn't even trying to cut those babies out! But once I realized I hadn't had them for a few days...well...of course I had to keep going...

Here's the thing. I don't really want to talk about my rampage right now. I feel like that's all I ever talk about, and all I ever do is cycle through the same routine. But I do want to type something...I just don't know what to type.

I went to watch a movie tonight on the beach with some of my friends. It was really fun, but there were a bunch of people there and I was feeling anti-social. I'm in a weird place right now. I was super social and happy a few weeks ago, but right now I'm struggling. I'm worried that these new "opportunities" might affect my social life- so this is NOT the time to start skippin out...

Okay- those are my thoughts for the night. XOXO

D

Job Junk

2010-08-10T13:58:00.000-07:00

For 3 posts now I've been wanting to tell you guys about my work/career "situation". In other words, some major movements are happening on the career front. But I vowed when I began this little blog of mine that I would never talk about work. Not because I'm trying to be secretive- but what if a coworker randomly came across my blog one day? Trust me, stranger things have happened in the world. The last thing I need is to get fired or watched or anything else because unbeknownst to me, co-workers or worse, management are/is reading my blog. ESPECIALLY since I decided to quit being anonymous- it became even more important to me not to mention my job in any respect. The only thing I have ever said about my job is that I work in the beauty industry- which is true. I have never mentioned what I do on this blog. I have never mentioned the company I work for. I have mentioned in the past that I am a licensed massage therapist, but I am not currently doing massage as a full time gig. I basically quit doing massage once I got my bachelor's degree a few years back.

But I'm dying to tell you guys about these new opportunities!

This much I can say- I'm nervous. If I decide to take on new opportunities, I will inevitably work more. Which means I might work out less. My old roomie that moved to LA, she went from working out all the time to working all the time and working out much less. It started to show. Now she's on a rampage to reverse the damage. What if that happens to me? I'm already struggling to keep things under control, what if I start working much more and let it all go to hell?

I just realized I'm stressing about a potential situation that might not even happen. Haha! I will say in my defense though- that there is a strong possibility that these things will happen after all. I've been in that situation before- and I did really well. I was on my routine (this is when I lived in UT) and it really paid off. Hopefully I can get myself into that same kind of routine again. The problem with this opportunity is, I may be traveling quite a bit more than I do now, and that will be something new to deal with.

I would like to type more- but my student/client is here. :) I can say that much- can't I? If these new opportunities present themselves, I'll tell you all about it- swear.

Ok- I'm going to quit stressing. I'm excited though! I hope I can conquer!!!!

Drug Free. Temporarily.

2010-08-10T00:08:00.000-07:00

Hi lovies.

Today was a really good day for me. I got a lot of work done. I cleaned my house. I watched several episodes of my current guilty pleasure: Friday Night Lights. I also went to a social thing tonight for my church and we walked down the to the pier to have ice cream- and I went and socialized, and didn't have any ice cream. It's funny how easy these things become when 1) you've decided beforehand that you're not going to have any, 2) you really believe you're not going to have any, and 3) you don't allow yourself to change your mind or be tempted by said treat. If #3 happens at all, #2 is overwith and you're screwed. I didn't feel deprived in any way- I have treats almost every day; I just asked myself beforehand if I really needed it- and I didn't. I had a healthy dinner and was okay saying no. Was I in the mood to say no? Of course I wasn't. I'm never in the mood to say no to a treat. But I also realized earlier today that I rarely sacrifice treats, or anything else that I should eat more sparingly. So I opted to not have the treat as a sacrifice for my mind. I am doing this. Today I didn't really have anything with sugar in it that I can think of, besides some honey on my toast this morning. I had a healthy salad for lunch...celery sticks and carrots for snacks. Here's the thing: As much as I love crap food- I also really love healthy foods too. Again, it felt good to be on track; to enjoy healthy foods, and to look forward to my work out.

I also went to the gym tonight and did 45 minutes of cardio on the stairmaster. It kicked my butt! I'm so surprised at how out of shape I've gotten. :) This is not me being hard on myself- I'm not discouraged in any way, shape or form. I'm just stating something I noticed tonight- my cardio was hard. But it felt good to do it anyway and finish it. The good news is even when things get hard, if I've committed myself to it, I do it anyway. And because I committed to not having ice cream tonight, I knew I could also commit to my workout.

Today was also the first day in over a week that I didn't take any Advil. My neck is still very sore and I could definitely use some advil- but I'm trying to cut back because I am a strong believer that too many pills can be so hard on your liver and I have been hard enough on my liver all throughout my life. I try to watch how many pills I take. I might pop a few before bed time- right around this time of the night, when my body is starting to unwind, is when my neck hurts the most. We shall see.

Ok friends- I am out for the night. Before I go- let me remind you of one thing really quickly- think of something you're grateful for and just have gratitude and positivity in your heart right now. Even if it's only for a few minutes- it will feel good to take a break from your busy schedule and just feel the grass in your toes or to smell a flower today. Make a choice and stick to it!!!

D

Pictures of Hell

2010-08-07T22:54:00.000-07:00

Oh girls.

Today I went wake-boarding with two of my good girlfriends. NR's brother in law has a boat and so when ever we want to, we can go boating; and we decided that today we just wanted to do something different. We didn't want to be around boys, we didn't want to be at the US Surf Open (which has been going on in Huntington Beach all week and of course was INSANE today...as we knew it would be since we live here), we just wanted to get away and chill. So we did. We wake-boarded, we jammed to good tunes, we floated on our little noodles. We had a blast. We also took a lot of pictures during said blast.

When we got home, we decided to find the best pictures to keep and put up of us. All three of us sat around the computer as I loaded the pictures onto my laptop, eagerly waiting for the pictures to load. We had pictures of us on the wake-board. We had pictures of us lounging around the boat. And we had pictures of us floating. After going through pictures (and being shocked and horrified- all 3 of us)...we started vetoing pictures that we didn't like. One by one, they all got deleted except one of me where I'm so far away you can't tell what I look like. Here it is:

As you can see, I'm far away, and you can't really see what's happening with me and my suit; plus I have a life jacket on.

So we deleted all the pictures, cussed a bunch, and vowed that we will STOP EATING [junk]. Two a days- done. Healthy, whole foods. Done. Water- done. VEGAS- ON!!!!!!

Pray for me- this is going to be an intense 3 weeks.

D

VE-GAS in t-minus 3 weeks.

2010-08-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

RAMPAGE BACK ON!

Started today. My neck is still tender, but getting better. I went for a 4 mile run- it was hard just because my neck is still super tight and I couldn't even look over my shoulder to check traffic. But afterwards I felt much better- my muscles just needed to be let loose a little. I've been drinking my water like a crazy and trying so hard to watch what I eat- it's hard because my co-workers want to go out to eat, and my friends and roommate want to go out to eat...so I'm always eating out. I mean, let's be honest- I SHOULD pack a lunch and eat at home- it's healthier. But I'm probably not going to do that for long. I can say it and say it, but I always end up breaking down and giving in. Don't get me wrong- it's no one's fault but my own that I'm in this position. Part of this battle is realizing where you're at and learning to deal with what sacrifices you're willing to make and what you're not willing to make. Maybe you find more success there- I like to think so. So now I'm trying to make healthier choices AND eat less of the foods I'm choosing in restaurants and out. That why I can still go out and enjoy the social part of things, but I can hopefully still lose a little weight. I hope I can maintain the discipline! To me, it takes extra discipline to do these things. #1 to choose a healthier option is never fun to me. #2 to eat less...well that's against everything in my nature. I literally have to focus the whole time I'm eating NOT to eat everything- and to listen to my body, etc. We all know I have a hard time doing these things long term...but I'm hoping since it's only 3 weeks I might be able to do it.

Anyway...I'm excited to be back on track. I thought about it on my run and I thought, it feels good. All day long I've had a little more pep in my step. I know it's weird; most people hate dieting and being on such a hard journey. I hate it sometimes too...but right now I'm loving it! I'm happy to be back on point, be responsible and to be paying attention to what I'm doing. Things are looking good friends...looking real good. I'm feeling really optimistic and happy right now about my rampage over the next few weeks. :)

Okay lovies! Have a great weekend- love you all....

D

My neck AND my head.

2010-08-04T21:51:00.000-07:00

This week has been hell.

I seriously jacked my neck on Saturday, and for some reason thought that the power sculpt class on Monday would loosen my shoulders up. Ha. I've been out of commission for 2 days now and counting....5 if you count all the days previous to Power Sculpt. Today I finally decided to go see a doctor. I wanted to see an acupuncturist, but don't know any in the area, and as a body worker myself (massage therapist), I would never go see someone without a referral. Especially an acupuncturist. I don't want to pay someone money to stick needles in me who doesn't know what they're doing, even if they are the little bitty ones that acupuncturists use. So I took a referral to go see a chiropractor.

Not to mention, my friends and I have been eating like queens these last few days. On Monday I went shopping with my roommate to get healthy food- and since my neck is killing me in five places, I've opted to eat whatever is easiest. Which means either whatever NR brings home for me to eat, or whatever I can just put in my mouth and not have to make first. AND I haven't been working out, so I haven't been really hungry. So all of the calorie laden food I've been pigging hasn't been getting burned off. I'm a HOT mess. This morning the scale showed a 6.5 pound gain (since May). I can tell. And I want to do something about it, I really do. The sad thing is I don't have energy to do anything but lay in bed and feel the death pain of my neck and head (the headaches that accompany this neck pain are ridiculous- behind the eyes and sharp. UGH). I've been popping pills like crazy but nothing seems to be making a dent in this death.

Tonight i'm taking a hot bath and going to bed early. I'm praying to wake up tomorrow without a headache. If I can wake up without a headache and can actually move a little, I will be so happy because that means i can get back on my wagon to health. All I want to lose is the 6.5 I've gained at this point. I don't even care beyond that right now. It's reasonable to be able to do that before Vegas, isn't it???

Night lovies!

D

PS- there are several new commenters that have mentioned that they either have left an award for me on their blog, or have commented on my blog and I went to read their blog, and I could not get on because their blogs are private (which also means I cannot comment on your blog either). :) Thank you for the awards and the kind words. If you are one of these people, please know I would love to read your blog. If you would like to send me an email and give me permission (or whatever it is you do on a private blog to allow readers), I would love it. If not, know I still appreciate every comment you have made and love your support. Thank you!!!!

Death by Power Sculpt

2010-08-03T11:38:00.000-07:00

I did something scary; something new.

My friends forced me to go to Power Sculpt yesterday. I seriously was so scared I almost cried. I know that sounds so stupid- but it's true! I hate trying new things sometimes- especially when I'm with my friends. Of course I didn't actually admit I was scared- instead I kept trying to tell them I didn't feel well and I couldn't go. They didn't listen; they just started chanting VE-GAS! VE-GAS! VE-GAS! It was awful.

First of all- they made me run to the gym. In their defense- they ran too. I should probably mention here that the gym is only about a mile from my house. But still! Then, once we got there, they made me take somewhat heavy weights so that I would actually get a work out. Oh I got a work out. That class was one of the most intense things I've ever done and I am NOT kidding. I am sitting here with a hot pack on right now.

But on the other hand, I love it. I love that I worked out so hard! I love that I conquered my fear. It was fun and even though I'm sore, I feel fabulous.

What is your fear? And how do you plan to conquer it??

D

Dizzy Angel

2010-08-02T00:26:00.000-07:00

I am so so so tired right now- but my body is so out of whack that I cannot sleep. Where do I begin? I have been HORRIBLE to my body the last few days. Seriously HORRIBLE. I know I shouldn't have been, but it happens. I've just been playing with my friends so hard that I haven't properly taken care of myself. Friday night I went to an Angel's game with some of my friends, and then Saturday night we went dancing. Well, Friday night we decided to take a girls trip to Vegas which meant that a serious rampage would have to ensue immediately following this decision, so at the Angel's game we pigged out- that being the "last night" before the rampage began. Ha. Saturday I worked out pretty hard (because of my new rampage) so I drank a Rockstar Sat night at 11pm because we were going dancing and i needed "energy". MISTAKE. Couldn't go to sleep until 5:30 am. That crap is so bad for your body. Seriously- don't ever drink it- it's liquid meth I think. Well, today I had a straight hangover (no alcohol was involved last night), I was NOT hungry, but in true hangover fashion, proceeded to eat large quantities of food in attempts to give my body something normal. Tonight I proceeded to go to a dessert party where several of my other friends and I started doing this "sampling" of all of the desserts, and 2 hours later i am so full of sugar that it's 12:02 am and my neck is killing me and I cannot go to sleep. I feel so jacked up.

The good news is, I've been laying here in bed plotting my plan for the new rampage as it continues tomorrow. I realized as I'm planning, that basically my workouts for the month of July were pretty horrible. I ran a lot a lot, but I didn't do anything else and I ate horribly, so I really didn't accomplish much. This month I am going to step it up and add weights back in, and possibly more yoga too. I'm also seriously considering sugar restriction. I know it's tough, but seriously my body needs a detox or something right now. I've had several friends tell me some of the benefits they are getting from yoga and I know when I was doing hot yoga more consistently before, my body was in better shape to run. So I'm hoping to make yoga a part of my routine at least 3 days a week this month. I feel like my goals are pretty lofty right now though. But then again, I have a lot of work to do before this Vegas trip I'm going on. AND I just want to feel normal again. I remember when I didn't feel 85 years old, and I wasn't hobbling around in pain all the time.

In other news, again, I was laying in my bed trying to make myself go to sleep, and I was also thinking back over my weekend and my friends, and I just want to mention that I am so incredibly happy right now. I have the best friends in the whole world. 3 of my closest and dearest girlfriends and I spent the whole weekend together and I just prayed tonight a little prayer of gratitude for such amazing girlfriends in my life that love me, support me, and keep me laughing and smiling at all times. Here is a cute picture of 3 of my best girlfriends and I at the Angel's game on Friday night. I have a few other close girlfriends that I love too, but these three are special to me because they are the ones I'm with the most- as they are all single and live right here in CA with me. We had so much fun this whole weekend and I seriously cannot stop raving about how much I love these girls:

They just understand me. I love my social life right now- I am out meeting people almost every night and laughing hysterically with these girls at all times and I just love love love my friends and am so thankful for them and the joy they bring in my life. We seriously do not stop laughing, and I love it so much. Here are just a few more fun ones from this same night (I can't help it!):

My life right now is amazing. I'm so grateful. And I think things are only going to get better from here!!!!

xoxoxoxo my loves!!

D

Another "motivation"

2010-07-31T19:24:00.000-07:00

Well...

The good news I'm in the zone. Again. It's not because of the comment- the other night. The truth is I don't care what some random dude has to say. I mean, yes he's my friend, but he lives in Utah and is only here for a few days and I'm not interested in him anyway. If I were, maybe it would've stung more.

But I'm back in the zone. It's just how I operate. I'm in the zone for awhile, and then I'm not. One of these days I'm going to be able to stay in the zone and then I'm really going to be able to do some damage. Now I just have a tendency to lose a little and then gain it right back. But I was thinking about it today- and until the day that it sticks, I'm going to keep trying. It's how I operate. Right now I'm back on the losing track, which is always a better place to be...

My friends and I are going to Vegas in a month...hence the temporary rampage. :) Plus I only have a few weeks left of the Biggest Loser Challenge...so it's time to kick it back into gear. YES!

What kicks you into gear?

D

Just a love handle...

2010-07-30T17:59:00.000-07:00

UGHHHHHHH

There's good news, and not so good news. We'll start with the good.

I finally had a little make out last night. GOT SOME! :) A good friend of mine that I've known for 5 or so years is in town for the X games and he called me a few days ago to see if we could meet up. He wanted to get sushi. He always calls me when he's here. We went down to the beach and cuddled on one of the lifeguard lookout stands while watching the waves and the last minute stragglers looking for treasures, until beach patrol came and kicked everyone off the beach. WE didn't get kicked off the beach because, well, I know how to hide from beach patrol. :) Needless to say, it resulted with affectionate kisses by the end of the night.

Now, the bad news? I couldn't fully enjoy the kisses. Why? Because I was overly concerned with him touching my fat. He kept reaching around me and putting his hands inside my shirt, right on my love handles. I was cringing the whole time. At one point I couldn't help it, I finally had to point out that I didn't like it that much, that it was making me self conscious. To which he replied, "Why? It's just a love handle..."

Inside I died a little.

I was humiliated. JUST a love handle? Do you know what a love handle is pal? FAT. Thank you for pointing out it's JUST a love handle. It's MY love handle, and you keep touching it, and now I can't relax.

Sigh. It's a vicious, VICIOUS cycle.

D

Love me too much...

2010-07-28T21:39:00.000-07:00

My sister is one of my best secret keepers. She is 4 years younger than me and basically the first memory of my life is when she was born (I was actually 3.75 years old at the time). I remember my parents dropping me off at the Francis's home when it was still dark outside (I found out in my later years it was around 3 am) and then my grandparents picked me up and took me to the hospital later in the day. I remember walking down an empty hospital corridor, holding my grandma's hand, and how big the toilet was in the guest bathroom. I was so little then! I also remember that my sister had the fullest head of hair anyone had ever seen. Not that I knew what that meant. She was wrapped in a pink blanket and it seemed like we were waiting for her forever. I spent hours playing with the toys in the connecting room, and playing with my grandparents.

My whole life we were pretty much inseparable. Like I said before, she's only 4 years younger than I am, so the only time it seemed to be a big difference was while we were in high school. I was a senior when she was a freshman, and you know how different a 14 year old can be from an 18 year old. She would always borrow my clothes and it would cause the nastiest of fights- I don't know how my mother dealt with two emotional teenage girls without killing both of us. Once we surpassed the teenage years though, we went right back to being besties. We've been through everything together- from moving to foreign countries and not being able to speak the language, to dealing with our parents divorce, to struggling with our weight. Since she got married a couple of years ago though, she's really thinned out. But she had a baby back in November and has struggled to take off the last ten pounds (10 lbs? Psht. Please.).

So we call each other all the time. Well, I called her again today, as usual. She answered the phone and I said- "Sister, I'm burned out. I'm tired of this battle. It's hard enough just trying to maintain my weight." and I expected her to tell me that I can do this- lift me up and inspire me as she usually does. She's always so strict and dedicated to her diet! Instead she came back with, "Diz I'm so glad you said that. Me too. I'm just sooooo tired of this struggle. I cannot seem to get it together lately." WE both started laughing. Then she told me something great. She told me about an email that both of us received from our mom. I hadn't read it yet; she had. She told me that this email made her realize that she would rather enjoy her life and have fun than worry about 10 pounds. She said she wants to be her "own best friend" and grow old and gray with herself- happy and content. So what if she has one more cookie? No one is going to notice or care except her. She wants to love herself more, and criticize herself less. Of course she is still going to work out and be aware, but she's also going to let go of all of the self anger and depreciation. She wants to get old with her husband and enjoy her life to the fullest, not focus on how much she needs to lose. And I want to do the same (not with her husband though!).

I don't know what this means right now. I went and read the email and I loved it. It talks about learning to love the little things and love yourself. Enjoy those who you love in your life and who love you. Enjoy those you don't love. Be happy and find peace with yourself and your body- just love you!

So let's love ourselves a little more, and beat up ourselves a little less!!!! What's something nice you can do for yourself today, to let yourself know you love you? I'm going to let myself off the hook and enjoy my evening. :)

D

I found what I lost..

2010-07-27T10:16:00.000-07:00

I just had a realization/epiphany.

I know this is going to shock you. You're going to read this and think: DUH. But let me defend myself by saying, up until right now, I haven't realized. I honestly just forgot.

As many of you know- in the past I've done more extreme forms of dieting. I've done intense diets, and I've done even more intense workouts. Intense work outs I can live with- intense dieting I can not. However, I tend to expect the same results, regardless of whether I'm intensely dieting or not. Does that make sense?

At 142...I have to quit expecting to see big drops on my scale every week. A pound is a pound. If I only "lose" one, I hope I never find that one again. It seems I find and lose the same 5 pounds over and over, like I consistently lose and find my keys. I work and work, lose those 5, and then get frustrated that things aren't moving as quickly as I'd like or as quickly as they "used" to, and I get pissed and say "forget it all, bring on death by chocolate" and give up and give in; Resulting in another 5 pound "find".

By Friday of the weekend last week- I was down 2 pounds from Monday. Friday I decided I wanted some pizza for lunch. I had been dieting hard all week, what's one meal? Friday night, I went to the taco stand with some friends after surfing. I had a big fat bean burrito with sour cream and extra cheese. I reasoned that "Friday was my day off" as I sipped on a Juicy Whip (orange julius...calorie laden type of drink). The Juicy Whip made my stomach hurt. Saturday and Sunday became days off too. I had a wedding reception on Saturday night and a BBQ on Sunday. Yesterday when I weighed in for the Biggest Loser challenge I'm in (yes it's STILL GOING ON...3 weeks to go), I was up a pound from last Monday. So we're looking at 3 pounds in 3 days. I was furious. I thought to myself, "But I ran 26.5 miles last week! I ate so healthy all week! Why do I have such a weird/stupid body that can't handle it? UGH I HATE my body." And I continued to mull over it with some chocolate and ice cream. Someone called me to go work out. "I'm still sick" I argued while stuffing a twix in my mouth. Someone else called me to work out. "FINE!" I finally conceded. But I only agreed to go because this guy that wanted to go for a run isn't in shape, so I knew the "run" we were going to go on would be easy. It was. 1.5 miles and I didn't even break a sweat. I had to keep slowing down so he could keep up. I was bugged because again, I have this tendency to think- "go big or go home", and why waste my time on a little 1.5 mile run? I run 6 miles on a regular basis! 1.5 does NOTHING for me. But lucky for me, this time it was enough to snap me out of the sugar cloud I've been dazed in for 3 days...

And then today I had the realization. I was on another blog, reading about someone else's frustrations, and she said, "Over eating is not an option." And I thought- wow. WOW. What have I been doing to myself? Why is everything do or die with me? What if I had not stuffed three little baggies full of candy to sneak home from the wedding reception? What if I had actually worked out on Saturday instead of trying to get over my little sickness? I am at 142! I cannot continue to act like a whole weekend does not matter in this battle. I cannot continue to be "do or die" all the time and expect permanent results. Or any results for that matter...and I cannot think that only a pound down or only half a pound down doesn't matter or isn't enough. IT IS.

At this point in the game, the weight is probably going to come off slower than in the past. And I am going to have to work harder. Yes, I ran 26.5 miles last week. So what. I need to do it again this week or by the end of the week I could easily be at 144 pounds instead of 142. And all of these pity parties have got to end. They're detrimental to my progress. I could've been under 140 this week if I had been in control. I was at 140.8 on Friday morning. Instead I made excuses about wanting to have a day off. 1 day turned into 4.

I know that none of this is new to you guys. It's really not new to me either. But I think at different points of our lives, we re-learn things we already knew, because in that moment they matter to our progress and our situation. I have got to keep focused and remember that I CAN lose 5 more pounds, instead of losing 2 more than gaining 5 back. I just have to stay focused. I have to remember that every little thing DOES matter. And I have to accept that this is a way of life- not do or die. My all or nothing mentality has GOT to change...or I can expect to be back here again. 142. Not the worst place to be, and yet not my favorite place to be.

Trying to reconnect...

2010-07-24T10:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm sick. I'm calling it. I woke up this morning with even more of a sore throat and drainage. While I don't "feel" sick, I am still not hungry at all. I'm just going to rest in order to kick this thing. I think it was the hot tub for 2 hours last night, after surfing. UGH.

UGH because I really wanted to do a far/long run today. I'm sure I could push it out of me if I wanted to, but I want more than that to get over this little bug that is trying to take over me.

So last night was surfing, tacos, and hot tub for me and a few friends. I'm posting some pics so you can see the beauty of where I live and be jealous. :)

Afterwards, we ended up in the hot tub for a million hours. As we talked, I started thinking about myself and my life. I feel like something in my life is lacking lately. For example, just look at my blog. I merely get on here, give you a quick update, and then move on. Remember months ago when my posts were so long it was ridiculous? Or if you go back to the beginning, my posts had feeling. I was spilling my guts out to you guys; now I just type and go. So in the hot tub last night, we started talking about these great guys that live here that are basically perfect men, but they never get married and settle down because they can't really connect with anyone anymore. They don't know how- it's been too long. They 're so used to being such achievers and doing things on their own and being alone for so long that I think the ability to really connect and really depend on someone else has left them and they either don't realize it, or don't think it's such a bad thing. I'm starting to wonder if this is happening to me. I'm not nearly as social as I used to be. I was complaining to a friend about it the other day, that I never get invited to little gatherings anymore, and she was like- but Diz, it's because you never go. You used to be invited to everything- you never go. And it's true! I'm losing that connection with other people. And part of me doesn't care; the other part of me does it on purpose because it's "safe". The only reason I do care is because I see what it does to other people and it makes me sad for them, and I realize I don't want to end up like that.

But how do you connect with other people? I mean really, truly, deeply connect?

I think about that training we had for work a few weeks ago. The lady leading the training was talking about the pyramid of communication. She said the bottom rung, or foundation of the pyramid, is ritual. Right? We shake each others hand, we say, "Hi my name is Diz, nice to meet you." etc. That's one of our cultural rituals. It's the first thing you do when you meet someone new. The next step up, which ritual leads to- is small talk. "How are you? Nice to meet you (ritual statement; we're transitioning here from ritual to small talk). So what do you do?" We ask small, safe questions because we're seeking information. By gathering information, we're able to start looking for the anything that will lead to the third step: connection. That's where you find things that you have in common, and once you've found what you having in common, you're able to connect with the person and get past surface communication to a deeper level: trust. Once you connect you start to build trust, and a "real" relationship.

This is where I seem to be stuck. I feel uncomfortable sometimes, trying to push past small talk. It feels nosy, or rude to push past small talk. Sometimes I get irritated with people when they try to push past this level with me. Is this normal? Is this how our society is now? Or is it just me? Is it my little single mormon culture that I live in- where everyone is trying to be polite and appear perfect, and really we're all just alone?

D

To run or not to run..

2010-07-23T14:08:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for the advice to take off and rest my body!!!

I wish I would've gotten your advice sooner. I ended up going for a little run anyway. :) I just couldn't help myself!!! It was just a 3.5 mile jog...but of course I could tell I was sick because yesterday and today's runs were a little harder, and the way I was sweating yesterday wasn't normal. It wasn't that I was over sweating or anything...it was just a different sweat than normal...almost like the cold sweats, but not. If that makes sense. Weird. But I don't feel much more sick- my throat is just scratchy and I'm not super hungry...so that's good. It was a risk and I think I made it! Wooot!

This morning I woke up in the best mood. So of course, I had to go running again. I've logged 26.5 miles this week! Can you believe this? I know- you probably think I'm insane. I sound more insane than I actually am. I'm training for a race, so this kind of mileage isn't unexpected. But it's a lot for me. 3 of my runs have been 6 milers. Than I had a 5 miler on Tuesday and a 3.5 yesterday. CRAZY. :) I'm so happy about it though. I feel so alive- so healthy, strong and good. And a little sick. :)

I'm excited for the weekend too...hope you all have a good weekend!

xoxo

D

Sicky sicky

2010-07-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

I think I'm getting sick.

For one thing, I woke up tired and I haven't been very hungry today. But I'm not 'full on' sick yet, which makes me wonder...should I try to go running anyway? I didn't go this morning because I just wanted to sleep in (so tired). While driving into work I thought to myself- I'm getting sick- that's what it is (I just don't feel right...you know what I mean?). But right now I'm like...I'm not that sick, I could probably run. Should I? I'm a firm believer that if you don't take care of yourself, you'll just get worse. I'm drinking airborne right now...in attempts to "take care of myself". However, I also know sometimes you can push the limits and be okay...Is this one of those times?

I've been doing so well on my diet lately! I've been in control of my eating- eating super healthy foods and running quite a bit. I want to keep up the rampage- but I also don't want to get sick over the weekend. What to do what to do!!!!????

What do you think?

D

Dumpy Hump Day

2010-07-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

Doesn't it seem that I have like, 3 good days, followed by a bad day?

Today is NOT a bad day, but I am in a funk. I'm bored. I'm bugged with my hair and makeup today. I'm bugged with all of the boys in my life (or lack thereof really). I have a headache.

This week seems so loooooonnnnnggggg. I'm over it.

This morning I ran about 6 miles; the standard route. It was boring. I'm running everyday, and while I love running and felt so good while running today, I don't feel like I'm working out anymore- even though I clearly am. What do you think I should do? Add in weights again? Maybe I should add in some workouts in the evenings as well? I've been trying so hard- watching every morsel that is going into my mouth...I want it to pay off already!!

You would be proud of me- last night I had a mini break through. I was on a date with this guy and we had originally planned to go to Costco to get some pizza (cause they have good pizza!) and I asked him if it would be okay if we could go somewhere healthier to eat. I just really wanted to do good, you know? He said that he was fine with that and we ended up somewhere else where I got a salad and some breadsticks. I'm proud of myself for asking for something healthier because that is a hard one for me- I hate, hate, HATE being that girl on a date. I always want to portray that I'm okay with anything you put in front of me and that I can eat whatever I want... In fact, most of my cheats and downfalls are in social situations- I just can't seem to stay in control when other people are around....I get to talking, laughing, eating, and I don't pay attention. Even last night I was giggling and talking and eating and before I knew it, I was really full. But at least it was a healthy salad and some bread instead of greasy Costco pizza, right?

Still working on enjoying my day- and enjoying my life. I think I'll be happier once I leave work. :)

D

Does this make me official?

2010-07-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

Hello blogger friends!

I got something exciting in my inbox this morning...I was invited to be a guest blogger on the Be Active website! I feel so honored and excited- they asked me to write a 200-300 blurb about being healthy, what I do, and what kind of products I use. So I've been thinking about what "products" I use to help me stay fit and lose weight...here's what I can think of so far.

1) My iPod shuffle is pretty important to me. Yes, I can run without it (I know some people that are too attached and can't run without theirs). Obviously I like to have it with me because it gives me something to listen to and drown out everything around me. But yesterday it died about 10 minutes into my run (I was gone for about an hour or so), so sometimes I still run without it. But I enjoy it and always take it with me, regardless of what work out I plan on doing.

2) My Mizuno Wave Inspire 6 Road-Running Shoes (for a picture of them- click here: http://www.rei.com/product/795598?preferredSku=7955980110&cm_mmc=cse_froogle-_-datafeed-_-product-_-7955980110&mr:trackingCode=7D0B3462-A836-DF11-BAA3-0019B9C043EB&mr:referralID=NA ) I love these running shoes; I've owned several pairs of Mizuno's and personally think they're a great shoe.

3) I tend to wear work out gear- dri-fit or response work out clothing from Adidas and Nike are some of my favorites. They are just more comfortable and keep me dryer than regular t-shirts and shorts.

What else? Mmmm.... I take a multi-vitamin supplement every day, I stretch a lot, and I try to drink water before and after. That's it. I guess I'm kind of a simpleton, now that I think about it...

:) What's your favorite work out item?

D

Getting this party started- again...

2010-07-19T10:44:00.000-07:00

Good morning lovies!

It is Monday morning, and I have already finished running 6 miles this morning. It was hard to go first thing, but felt soooo good about 5 minutes into the run. I am so proud of myself! 6 miles Monday Morning! I am only down 1/2 pound this week, but I blame it on TOM and am okay with it. I'm going to make this week stellar! That 6 miler this morning put me in the right mood for the week. :)

I am so happy right now. Not just because of the run this morning, but because I have a lot to be thankful for. I have such a great life and I'm so lucky- I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world- walking distance to the beach, I have a great job, great friends, and a family that loves and supports me. While I haven't had a lot of dates lately, the guys I have gone out with have all been super quality guys, I realized last night while mulling over it all in my bed, before I fell asleep. Plus I'm completely happy being single and just enjoy the little things- like getting to read a book when I want to or watch a movie, or riding my bike. Small things, but they make me happy.

What makes you happy?

D

Up and down and back up again.

2010-07-15T16:04:00.000-07:00

I may have started the week out strong- but it's wrapping up pretty weakly. Yes, I'm trying to wrap it up already. And it's only Thursday (which means I still have a weekend to get through).

UGH.

This morning I woke up, did my sleepy morning shuffle to the scale, saw the number, and immediately unleashed a fury of wrathful words at my hated scale. Then I proceeded to get in the shower and fight back tears while I suds up my fat belly. More cussing ensued. I finished my morning ritual, all the while debating between stuffing my non-hungry face because I was pissed and/or not eating for the rest of the day. Neither happened, I seemed to have gotten distracted with my hair.

I'm tired of this fight today. I feel like my ass and my belly will not cooperate. The harder I work at getting them to let go- the more they hold on. Forget you belly and ass fat- FORGET YOU.

I mean, I can't even type anymore right now- thinking about the whole thing is sending me into a rage. I hope my period is about to start soon or something, because the influx of emotions I keep feeling today is NOT helping my professional or social lives right now.

I need a hug.

D

Pump the Hump (day)...

2010-07-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

Hi friends.

Still trying to go strong. I mean, I am going strong, but I don't think the drop in lbs is going to be quite as high as last weeks. Because it's week 2, and all of the water weight is gone, right?

Yesterday I killed it. Ran 5 miles in the morning and then went to the gym in the afternoon with NR (she's finally home from her travels). Ate decently. I'm trying to remember that 80% of this is diet- right? Sometimes I get into this sabotage mode of- well, I worked out so hard, I can ease up on the diet part of things...right? Ha. Hahahaha...I crack myself up (I seriously think this kind of crap on a regular basis).

Last week someone called me and asked me why she can't just stay fat. It's so much easier, she said to me. We had a nice little chuckle and spent the next few minutes reminding each other why we're doing this and motivating each other. I've thought a lot about that conversation since. I've thought a lot about myself since then too. I've had to ask myself a few times, why are you doing this D? If it makes you miserable (which it doesn't but I'm prone to pity parties now and again), why do you keep on?

I'll tell you why I do this every day. It IS hard- and it IS an uphill battle, but it CAN be done! Why not? We here in the blogging community see and read about others who have done it and are doing it everyday, and we want a taste of that success too. Let me ask you this...can you taste that success? Stop and think about it for a minute...I mean, really try to imagine it for a moment. Imagine yourself at your goal weight. What are you feeling? Happiness? Elation? What must feel like to be a goal weight and to be satisfied with your body? To feel confident when you look in the mirror and say- "Wow, I look DAMN good today!" Haha, I think about this moment a lot. It's possible, you know. Why wouldn't you want to be thinner and more confident and healthier and happier? Why wouldn't you want to work hard to have something special? Everything worth having in this life is something you have to work for. This is just another one of those things...right?

So today I will sacrifice for the bigger picture. I will eat apples and plums instead of chips and treats. I will drink water because it's good for my body. I will work out because it's hard and I sweat and sometimes it sucks but it also brings me closer to my goal faster than just dieting by itself. And I ALWAYS feel better after a work out. I will remind myself that I am worth it and that I'm happy.

What will you do today?

D

So excited to start this week out RIGHT!!!

2010-07-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

Again, I'm moving at lightening speed.

I'm sorry that all of my updates are like- over a 5 minute time span. It seems to be all the time I have lately to blog. I mean, I could wait until the very end of the day, when I'm falling asleep, but that just wouldn't be fun for me OR you.

I lost 3.6 pounds this week- according to my scale this morning. We are in love- me and my scale. While she (the scale) is still not giving me numbers that I want quite yet, she's at least showing me numbers that are moving in a downward direction, so I've decided to love her for awhile. It's very love/hate- as I'm sure you are familiar with. It's just the nature of my relationship with her...

I am going to run 5 miles tonight, when I get home from work. In fact, the reason this post is being written at record speeds is because I need to get over to the mall real quick to pick up some new running shoes. My old ones are so shot that it's almost laughable. Except it's not. I'm now in full on training mode for Ragnar. For those of you who requested a link, here is the one I'm following. This is the schedule for the Vegas Ragnar- which is in October. As you can see by clicking on it, I'm jumping in somewhere close to the middle of the training. I should've started training some time in June. Anyway, here's the link to the Ragnar website: http://www.ragnarrelay.com/

As far as men- there is nothing new. I've decided I'm probably not going to tell you guys and get everyone all hyped up until something actually happens...because I've noticed I keep typing up these fanatical posts about these guys then a week later there is a different one- and I'm probably looking boy crazy. Which I am. But I don't need to make myself look maniacal for no reason.

Ok ladies and gents- that is all for today. Celebrating a great loss this week!!!!

xoxo

D

Just another Saturday

2010-07-10T17:39:00.000-07:00

Okay guys this is going to be super fast because I'm leaving for LA in like, 5 minutes. I'm just waiting for all of the people to arrive at my house before we go- and I was really proud of myself today because I ran 8 freaking miles and just wanted to get on and share!!!! WOOOOOT!! 8 is the furthest I have ever run in one run. I am training for the Ragnar so it was on the schedule for today's workout. Nevermind the fact that today was the first day I decided to train; probably would be smarter to start out at a lesser mileage, but I can't wait! I just needed to get into it and get it done. ;)

On the boy tip- The last one I had a crush on- did I call him Matt? Is SO over. Heard some nasty rumors about him. Even if they're not true, he still has hit on 3 of my friends. DOUCHE. But I did find some new ones to work on. There is a guy that I have run into a few times now named Aiden that is just adorable, and word has it through the rumor mill that he has decided to ask me out soon. We'll see if this happens, but I got secretly excited when I was told this last night. He is a fireman- complete with red hair and blue eyes. Hahaha! What is it with me and the red heads lately? He's all muscular and in shape and stuff- it's so sexy. Last Friday night while I was in the midst of the party weekend I was dancing in a club with my friends and he was there. Don't worry that he cornered me and started dancing with me and it was freaking on. He is so sexy; and from what my friends were telling me last night- he's apparently a really good guy. All the girls could say is that he's so gentlemenly and kind and just an overall good man. I don't know any of this- all I know is that he knows how to freak on the dance floor and he has a super nice body and we flirt like crazy every time I see him around. He's confident, funny, and according to the girls- a good man. :) I'm actually really excited if he's going to ask me out.

The other one going on is Nash. But I'll have to tell you more later because my friends just showed up.

XOXO!!

D

This day...

2010-07-09T23:15:00.000-07:00

It's 10:08 on Friday night, and I'm FINALLY home from the all day work meeting, followed by the bar after work. No, I still don't drink. But I do like to bond with my co-workers, and if they all drink at the bar, then the bar is where you'll find me after work when we have these trainings.

I didn't get to work out today, but I am super proud of how I ate. I did so good! Even though all the food was catered in for the meeting, I ate small/healthy portions and avoided the treats. I had 2 diet cokes, but I was in training all day- it was the only thing keeping me awake! And I loved every second of those diet cokes. I also made sure to drink lots of water throughout the day. ;)

I also decided this morning that it may be time for me to quit Weight Watchers. It's just not working for me right now. I don't know if this is good or bad.

Ok, I'm off to enjoy my night.

xoxo

D

Holding on...

2010-07-08T21:58:00.000-07:00

I'm having a down day. Luckily, I haven't eaten too terribly. I worked out this morning, so that's good. I just keep trying to remind myself- there are days that you actually plow ahead, and there are days you are just hanging on by your fingernails. Today is a 'hanging on by my fingernails' kind of day. Luckily the weekend is tomorrow.

I would go into it, but I just don't know where to begin. Sometimes living here is just hard. I love it, but sometimes I don't. Anyway, I have to sign off for now because I have a work meeting at the ass crack of dawn and I need to go to bed.

Love you all, xoxo.

D

Grindstone.

2010-07-07T09:07:00.000-07:00

Good morning my lovies!

I've finally decided to pick up my proverbial pen again. Yayyy! It's been a long week and a half, but of course, it's gone by in the blink of an eye for me. My mom came and went, friends came and went (for the 4th of July weekend), NR came and went, and I'm back to the grind stone- trying to work off/sweat off/curse off a few more lbs.

Yesterday I was having a little pity party for myself. Just a minor one- but in the morning I was secretly wishing that I didn't have to work or do anything really (it was a brutal Tuesday = Monday for me). I just kept thinking how hard my life is...how much I have to work...and it was depressing. I have to work at losing weight. I have to work at my job. I have to work at being social. I have to work at saving money. Work. Work. Work.

Then I realized something.

All this "work"- makes me a stronger woman. I don't have to work- I choose to work. I could sit around all day and eat crap; that would definitely be easier than going to the gym. I don't have to work out. I don't have to make calls for work. I don't have to clean my house. Hell, I don't even have to take a shower if I don't want. I don't have to do anything....I choose to do these things. I choose to drink water instead of coke. I choose to eat cantaloupe and strawberries instead of chocolate cake and ice cream. I choose to go to the gym and work my ass off- because I know these things will pay off in the end. Today I choose to be healthier, fitter, and more confident than every day before this one. Because even though it's work- it makes me happy. When I work hard I feel great about myself and the things I've accomplished. So even though it's only one day- it's a start! It's one day...that will eventually turn into two, and then three and then four. Pretty soon it will be one week, then two...then a month. Little by little, day by day, I will make a difference in my own life. I will work my way into a fabulous me.

What do you choose to do today?

I've received several emails questioning if I'm still alive, so...

2010-07-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

I may or may not be re-surfacing from a week and a half of insanity. Not quite sure yet. Will be back later to update you.

xoxo-

D

Monday Monday

2010-06-28T16:34:00.000-07:00

I feel like a crazy spazz right now.

I'm at work, and I only have a few moments to share with you guys. But I'll try to fit everything in, in the few moments I can...

First of all I went to weigh in Saturday morning. I was up half a pound. BUT..it was okay because I had such a bad weekend the weekend before with the old roomie, that I was grateful that I was able to work most of it back off. I didn't want to go in and weigh because I knew I hadn't lost, but I knew I needed to take accountability for the week (and the previous weekend) and be able to put it behind me, so I went in anyway. Even though there was a gain, it felt so good to finally put that crap weekend behind me. And in turn I ended up having a great day. I met up with a friend at the gym to do some cardio, and then later in the afternoon I ended up doing some yoga as well, so I would say it was a good day on Saturday! Today I'm really excited to work hard this week. My mom is flying in to spend the week with me and even though I should be nervous because we like to eat when we're together- I'm not because I'm committed to having a good week. I've worked hard to position myself to have a stellar week this week and I will. I feel like a $1,000. This week is going to kick trash!

In other news- yes, I still have a mini on Matt. I mean, come on now- you didn't think I would really give up that easily, did you? I just posted that on Friday or Saturday (or whatever day that was) because I was frustrated that he hasn't tried to see me at all really. And I'm still a little frustrated by it- but I told a friend this morning- patience. I've put everything in order- done all I can do- now it's up to him. If he's interested, he'll make moves. If he's not, I'll move on. No worries! Life is so good...

I am feeling really really happy and positive lately. This morning I was driving into the office and thinking, you know- I have such a great life and I really do feel a peaceful, subtle happiness that is long lasting and fulfilling. I am so happy about it. I have been really striving to see things in a more positive light and focus on my blessings and I feel like I'm finally starting to see the fruits of all my labors. :)

Let's have a stellar week friends! We can!!!

D

Turbo Love- OVER.

2010-06-26T15:12:00.000-07:00

I might've spoken too soon. Today I'm not sure I like Matt. Hahaha

I'm kind of glad- being that insane over a boy is taxing. I've learned over the years that when it's really intense like that (whether it's in a relationship or just crushing)...it usually burns out quick. At least now I can go back to being "normal" for a little while. I'm going out with my friends tonight..we're going to a little birthday celebration and then to a masquerade party. I'm ready to mingle!

Hope you're all having a good weekend- xoxo!

D

Warning: Crazetta on the loose

2010-06-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

OMG I have so much to tell you guys- it's weird.

First of all- I want to say thank you to Genie- just read your comment on my last post and seriously I appreciate that comment. You're the best! Thank you for helping me stay focused. You were right- it's pedal pedal pedal...not chip chip chip. :)

Second of all- I have over night developed a new crush and I feel like I'm in 6th grade again. Can I blame TOM? The hormones? The insanity? I don't know but you guys- suddenly I like this boy so much. His name is Matt. He's in my ward (church). He's new to the area and we've been emailing on FB for about a month now off and on- I've met him a few times; he comes to activities and always texts me to see if I'm going, but even though he's attractive, I chalked him up to socially awkward because he gets a little weird/shy around me, even though he emails me regularly. It frustrates me that he pretty much ignores me at all of these activities. I mean, he says hi, but then he's busy being swarmed by all of the girls around here. Anyway, he's tall (super tall to me- 6'3 ish?) dark and handsome (jet black hair- blue eyes...), has the most beautiful smile- but a tad bit shy. Somehow I went from not loving the shy/strangeness to finding it so endearing.

Last night I was sitting around so bored out of my mind I was going insane. I went to rent a redbox- for some reason the redbox wouldn't accept my debit card. I tried to go see a movie- but had no one to go with me and couldn't justify spending $11 by myself on myself just because i was bored. I tried to watch a movie at home- nothing on. I tried to watch one of my own dvds but couldn't take it. I tried to rally friends to go for a bike ride, no one wanted to. So I went outside by myself, made it half way to the garage, then decided it was too cold and ended up laying on the lounge chair for a few minutes trying to soak up sun. I got bored with that (because it was after 5 and too late to really get any sun) so I tried to read a book- wasn't in the mood. Everything was driving me insane. I was so restless and bored. And then Matt texted me to see what I was doing and I was like- COME SAVE ME! I'M SO BORED and he said, "let's do dinner and a movie then. :)" So off we went.

He is so cute. I mean, we've hung out before, but something was different this time. He came over once to hang out and sat on the edge of the couch the whole time. Every time I see him, now that I think about it, he's so formal. He was a lot more relaxed last night so we laughed a lot more, and I was able to get to know him better. We've finally hung out enough times that it's not so awkward and formal anymore...and now I'm really getting to see the guy that is beneath all of that politeness and formality. When he smiles he puts his face down, almost like he's smiling to himself. Sometimes he's looking at me when he smiles and I have to be the one to put my face down or my cheeks burn and give me away. After dinner we came back to my house to watch a movie- The Book of Eli. Um...yeah. It was his pick- not mine (obviously). I wanted to cuddle with him so bad but because it's taken him a month to ask me out I figured trying to get a cuddle in on the same night might overwhelm him and I didn't want to scare him away. So I built a little nest egg for myself on the couch (we have a sectional), and turned off all the lights and snuggled in to the little nest I'd made. Well, he kept shuffling around on the other side of the L. Finally I turned to look at him- "Are you okay? Do you need a pillow or something?" He just got up; "No, this just isn't comfortable here, I can't see" he complained while he tried to build his own nest and sucked at it (I'm the queen of nests- I mean...after all...I AM a pro at this stuff). "Do you want to come lay over here by me?" I asked nonchalantly. I knew he wanted to, I mean, my nest egg was just calling to him. Naturally he would want to lay in it, don't you think? I was just trying to be a polite hostess. Plus, he needed to be able to see the tv (even though it's a 50 inch and pretty much impossible NOT to see). He was already climbing over me before I even finished the sentence; "I'm not trying to intrude or anything" he explained and I had to laugh. He makes such...interesting comments some times. Half way through the movie he said, "Have you noticed that they are all still dead?" I started laughing out loud and made fun of him all night for it. I would turn to him and say, "Pretty sure they're still dead." It's cute how excited he was about the movie.

The whole night was AWESOME. He's so big that I felt like a pea. Maybe an ant. Maybe a baby flea...okay maybe not THAT small. His limbs seemed to be going everywhere; over the couch, over the back of the couch, up under my body. He scooped me up and moved me around like I weighed as much as a feather. When he left he had to crouch down to give me a hug. His hands are like, twice the size of mine. It seriously is so foreign to me that someone can be that big. I mean, I've dated tall guys before, but he's BIG all over- not just tall. I love it though (OK Genie, now you got me paranoid about that word).

Today I'm acting like a child- I can't stop thinking about him and being giddy and crap. It's not like anything happened- I cuddle with guys all the time and we didn't even kiss. Crap...kissing...I need to calm down. I'm trying my best to let him breathe because he seems to be slow mover guy- but it's getting hard because I'm becoming spastic girl in the meantime.

So I ate a bunch of chips in an effort to avoid texting him. It has to be TOM. Right? I mean, what's my deal? I'm NEVER like this; it's embarrassing. I barely even know the guy.

D

I need a margarita please...

2010-06-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

I still want chips. Chips and salsa. Maybe a frosty beverage to enjoy with those chips and salsa. On my patio, with the hot sun beaming on my back, sunglasses on. Did I mention I'm pasty white right now (as usual) and need a tan? Since I turned 27 I usually avoid the sun like crazy (which I know is weird because I live in SoCal), but last week I laid out for a day and I kind of loved it and missed it. Laying out with a frosty beverage right now sounds like the perfect moment to me.

Nothing new. Striving away. A beloved follower mentioned to me today that maybe I'm too hard on myself. I've been thinking about this a lot. I was so proud of myself a few months ago because I felt like I was really learning to forgive myself more, and even yesterday I was driving down the road thinking- wow...I really love being me...and yet, now I'm wondering if I've intensified all over again. I have a tendency to do that. So I have vowed to pay attention and re-dedicated to being less intense all the time. :) Sometimes I lose focus on being less focused! Hahaha...

Ok that is all for today- I'm off for a bike ride.

D

Another update

2010-06-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

Well, today started out as the best day ever...I had super great control all day and was feeling great about things. Then this evening came. Not only did I not get to go for a run like I had planned (a dear childhood friend showed up at my house), my friend brought me home-made salsa. With chips. Have I ever mentioned that chips are a trigger for me? Have I ever mentioned that home-made salsa is a trigger for me? Have I ever mentioned that the two together is a dangerous situation for me?

Sigh.

I actually didn't do that bad on the chips and salsa- believe it or not. I'm pretty proud of myself- I've been doing really well at self control lately and I'm excited about it. If I can just keep it up! I'm just bummed because it's 9:30 and it's too late to go for that run. And because TOM is on his way...I'm feeling extra bloaty. I was really looking forward to that run. I don't know why, but seriously I was really looking forward to it. I'm sure the salt from those chips isn't helping anything...I think I've finally hit that point where my body isn't dreading the workouts anymore but is actually enjoying them and looking forward to them so when I don't get them in I actually feel guilty and want them. Have I mentioned I moved to 12th spot in the Biggest Loser competition? Right now it is getting hard for some of the girls- there are quite a few who have dropped out so far. But I'm not on the bottom! But I'd like to move up the ladder again- last week just did me in.

You'd also be proud of me- I didn't have a Coke Zero today! I saw one- and it was chilled and looked so good, but I said no. I have more control! I ended up having a Fresca tonight though to stop my chips/salsa situation. Fresca is my go to- emergency soday when I have to have something. It has 0 calories, 0 fat, 0 protein, 35 mg sodium, 0 sugar...and I didn't finish the can. I just needed it to help me stop the chip obsession. I can still taste the salt on my lips...mmmm...

I need a boy to make out with. This lag in men is driving me insane.

There are my random thoughts for the day- hope you enjoyed!

D

Gratitude.

2010-06-22T20:49:00.000-07:00

Today was tough- I'm not going to lie.

All day I was struggling. For some reason this time around I cannot kick Coke Zero. I just can't. Everyday I get up saying I'm not having any soda today, drink my tea, make my plan for the day...and then half way through the day I "just can't do it anymore" and have one. Or I see one when I go to the vending machine to get a water, and it just looks so delicious that i have to have it. Or I'm kind of hungry and remember that when I drink one, I can last another hour without eating. It is driving me insane. I honestly believe that's why the weight isn't falling off- with all of the hard work I'm doing. Everything else is on point- and yet I'm cycling and cycling because I can't kick the soda. GRRRRRRR

I was at the gym tonight trying to do some cardio when someone came into the gym I didn't want to see. Oh hell, here we go I thought to myself. When she wasn't looking, I snuck off the treadmill and ran right out of the gym- only 27 minutes of cardio done. On the drive home I just kept thinking, that's not enough. I didn't eat that bad today- but I absolutely need this week to be a good week, and I had yet another coke zero today. I knew I had to do at least another 20 minutes of cardio to feel okay about this day. Minimum.

But what was I going to do? Street Fair in Huntington is going on tonight so I didn't really want to go to the downtown gym because of traffic...and I also didn't want to run outside because of traffic. So I did something new- I pulled my car off the road, found the first place I could park it, and just got out right there and started running. I live downtown but went to a gym that was out of downtown tonight, so I was half way back to downtown. So it wasn't the same as running downtown; however- I didn't know where I was- I always only drive the one street I know and have never explored this part of Huntington Beach before. But it was time for an adventure! Turns out- this random location I found happens to be a secret hidden treasure I knew nothing about. Golden fields of wheat swayed gently to my right with a deep red sun hanging low just over the wheat fields. The smell was insane. The breeze was even more insane. I was immediately praying prayers of gratitude on my little jog down this random little street. I followed this little road all the way to the beach, where I reached just in time to catch the most beautiful sunset over the most beautiful ocean. The waves were rolling in really really slowly and lazily, and the ocean was a gorgeous shade of jade-green. It was seriously so beautiful. I stayed there for a few minutes just feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for the moment I was having and everything that has brought me to this point. For my body that is healthy and able to run so I can have experiences like this. For the opportunity I have to live in such a beautiful place, in such a wonderful country where I enjoy all types of freedoms everyday. For my family and friends, and bloggies that support me and love me and encourage me everyday (yes that's you!!!). Everything. EVERYTHING in my life. I was so happy and so grateful. This is why I love running.

The jog back to the car was easy- and of course when I left I had to track the distance. It was exactly 2 miles. So it gave me another few good moments of cardio (maybe 17 minutes or so?). Although, when I was driving home I felt so energized and refreshed that I was half-tempted to go out and run some more!

I need to kick the Coke! Someone remind me of why I hate it!

D

Patience.

2010-06-21T17:40:00.000-07:00

Well, the good news is the rampage is back on. It's been horrific (as usual) trying to get back on track- the whole weekend was such a disaster. For one thing, my friend ended up staying longer than we originally planned. Then yesterday I was invited over to a friends parent's house for Father's Day dinner...and I wasn't even hungry when I got there (cause I'd been snacking all day and sleeping all day). We had steak and rice and rolls and salad and peach pie and ice cream. I wasn't even hungry. It was horrific. I came home and cussed myself out for an hour on the couch while ~~rolling around in pain~~ I tried to watch a movie with my friends. GUILT. But this morning I read a really inspiring talk on patience, and while I don't have the talk with me right now to give you the quotes (I'm at work and taking a few seconds to write), I still wanted to give you the gist of my thoughts.

First of all, it was the perfect thing to read to help me lug myself back on the rampage. Basically the speaker was saying that we must have patience in order to be successful. He talked about a study that was done in the 70's on these little kids- this scientist/psychologist guy wanted to test children's patience (to see if there really was anything to it) so he put a marshmallow down in front of each child (I'm thinking they were between 4-7 years old) and told them that if they could wait, in 15 minutes they would receive another marshmallow (if they didn't eat the first one). Well, some of them couldn't wait and ate the marshmallow. Some of them waited, but couldn't make it a full 15 minutes and ate their marshmallows. Some of them threw tantrums. And some of them were able to wait. Now, he didn't find out a lot from these children in that initial test...but he decided to keep track of each student and eventually he found that once these children were adults- the ones that were patient in waiting for the second marshmallow also tended to be more positive, more ambitious, and more successful than those that couldn't wait as a child.

The speaker then went on to talk about how being patient is not merely waiting around- but patience involves actively still pursuing the thing that you desire while still believing that you will achieve your goal (or will receive what you're waiting for). He mentioned the words "active pursuit" and "not passive waiting". You still have to be active in trying to achieve your goal. For us, this means we still need to work out. Still watch what we're eating. Still set goals and try to achieve them. He then went on to say that impatience stems from selfishness and self absorption. Wow- talk about humbling me on the spot! The gist of the whole talk came down to (for me), "you must still work out and still keep trying. You will get what you desire Diz, you will, you just have to keep at it and be patient with yourself and your body. Successful weight loss (he wasn't talking about weight loss but I was applying it to weight loss) isn't quick- it may take time but it is steady devotion to the thing that you desire." It is steady devotion to that thing that you desire. I desire to be thin or healthy/fit...therefore I must rededicate myself and keep being committed. It was exactly what I needed to hear this morning. When I get home I'll find the speech and put the quotes up because it was so inspiring and I think it applies to all of us, regardless of the journey we're on, or where we're at in that journey.

So yeah, I had a bad weekend. But like I said last post- this week is crucial to my success. Is it the end of the world if I don't make it? No. But do I need to stay on track and work towards my goals continually if I want to see success? YES. I haven't been completely left behind- I fell off the boat for sure, but if I swim and work really really hard- I can still catch the boat and be on my way back to success and happiness. And a skinnier me.

:) We can do this!!!!!

D

Revival.

2010-06-20T14:38:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a disaster- food wise. A DISASTER.

While I'd like to get into it, I'm not going to. The best thing I can do at this point is pick up and move on. I wasn't able to make it weigh in on Saturday morning, however, I did weigh in at home first thing in the morning on Saturday and my weight was a little higher than I would've liked, but considering the damage I ended up doing Friday night- I'm not surprised. At least I didn't gain EVERYTHING back! :)

I have two weeks until NR gets back; and one week until my mother gets here (she's coming to visit). This week is going to be super crucial for me- I HAVE to get back on track and push really hard. It can be done!!!

D

Food Eater.

2010-06-18T19:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I can tell the weekend is upon me. I'm ready to relax. I'm ready to have "me time". I've worked hard all week and I want to weigh in and have the pressure off for a day or so before I do round 2 of death week. I just want to weigh in and get it over with...I'm ready and I'm nervous about tonight.

Today has been mediocre- I went to the gym first thing this morning and worked really hard; but I have been eating nonstop since. It's all been pretty healthy, but it was a lot of food. I've had almost half a watermelon (BY MYSELF), egg salad, a kale salad with garlic and tahini in it, some grapes, two pieces of toast (one with pb and honey on it), a pita with some hummus, some jicama with more hummus, a Fresca to drink, some tea this morning, some gummy bears...and the list goes on. I got super stressed out today! As you can see- it's all been pretty healthy except for the gummy bears and the Fresca really. But it's still been a lot of food, and I still have the In-N-Out situation to deal with tonight. UGHHHHH. I'm a little nervous for weigh in tomorrow, I'm not going to lie.

The worst part of it all is that I'm having people in from out of town. That always means eating out, and not much time to exercise. I just want to be on my rampage.

I've just decided I'm going to go for a quick little run before my friend gets here, so I gotta cut this post off. Have a great weekend friends! XOXO

D

Lakers how I love thee.

2010-06-17T22:04:00.000-07:00

OMG The Lakers WON!!!!! Best game of my life- I swear.

Okay, there have been a few football games that have been as intense as Game 7 was tonight. But this one ranks up there in the top 3 all time most intense, fun games of my life.

Larry and I had plans last Thursday but I cancelled him because it was NR's last night in town before she left and I wanted to hang out with her. We moved the date to tonight- but then while trying to decide what we were going to do- he mentioned that it was Game 7 and wanted to know if we could go watch the game somewhere, and of course it was already on my mind so I was glad he brought it up. We decided to go out to a place that was "high energy" (bar) and he called a few friends to join us. The game was SUPER fun, but the people who came were random and no one knew each other really, so it was a little interesting. The good news is Larry invited everyone, and who came? Some cute new guy, of course. :) Normally I would NEVER try to meet a new guy while on a date, but Larry was across the table and barely talked to me the whole night- in fact a mutual friend of Dan's and mine came and I was really thankful he was there because otherwise I would've had no one to talk to for awhile, until the new cute guy showed up and the mutual friend left.

I can't tell if Larry is interested or not- we make plans and we flirt a lot when we're in public, but we rarely ever spend anytime alone and we've never cuddled or kissed or anything (of course now as I type this out, it seems obvious, doesn't it). In fact, now that I think about it- the only time we've been alone was on the first date. But he keeps asking me out! I think he gets caught up in the moment when we run into each other at social events and we have fun flirting so then he gets confused and asks me out. But then when it comes time to go out, he always brings other people or invites large groups of people because he doesn't want to be alone...which is fine. I could be completely off base here- the thing is I have no idea WHAT is going on in his mind. He's asked me out 3 times now. Eh...whatever. Either way I don't really care. I'm not feeling it a whole lot, and I don't think he's feeling it a whole lot either. I'm trying to figure out a way to transition our situation to friendship without confusing him or having a conversation about it. I really enjoy him and think we'd have a blast as friends. He's a fun flirt and a great guy and I'd love to hang out with him still...

As far as the rampage- it went OK today. I worked out of course and ate healthy all day until the game. We were at the Yardhouse and that place has NO healthy options whatsoever. Plus appetizers are half off during happy hour...so guess what we ordered?? Surprise! You're right- a ton of appetizers. Chicken Nachos, Spinach Dip, Sliders, Fries, Chicken Tenders, Seared Ahi Sashimi, Fire Wings (a lot of chicken!)... The good news is I really worked hard on portion control, eating slowly, and I popped a piece of gum in my mouth the minute I felt somewhat satisfied. I did drink 3 diet cokes, so I'll probably be up for the rest of the night...but it was Game 7! Tomorrow night my old roommate that moved to LA is coming into town to play. She wants to go to In-N-Out for dinner and I'm torn. Of course I want to play but...how do I get out of it? I am on a rampage right now and I have weigh in Saturday morning. The last thing I need to eat is a heavy, greasy burger and fries. It needs to be a light din...I have a goal and in order to make goal I can NOT have In-N-Out. Even the Protein Burger is pushing it (in my mind). I haven't had any meat for 3 days, btw...

My rampage is feeling good and I could tell a little in the mirror today! It's happening! I don't want to reveal how much I've lost until it's official on the WW scale, but I'm feeling pretty good about things. I've got a goal number and I'm close and I think I can make it! WOOOOT!!!!

Good night and good luck on your own rampages!!!

D

Control

2010-06-16T12:34:00.000-07:00

Well my friends, I'm even more motivated today than yesterday, if that's possible.

This week has been incredible so far. I know it's only Wednesday, but I have high hopes and great outlooks for the rest of the week AND the rest of this month actually. I busted my butt at the gym this morning and intend to go for a quick little jog/run this afternoon along the beach too- the weather is just too nice to avoid the outdoors any longer. I've been reading everyone else's blogs and it seems I'm not the only one caught with a rampage bug. I love it- you guys seriously inspire me to keep going and I'm thankful that you're on this journey too, and blogging about it too, so I can keep going.

This morning I read a quote that inspired me as well; it said, "The only real control we have in this life is self control." It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I've been thinking about it all day. I was thinking about it this morning while busting it out at the gym too- I decided, you can do an extra five minutes D because you're worth it, this rampage is worth it, and right now you have self control. And I did an extra five minutes of cardio on the stairmaster.

I took my vitamins for the first time today- with caution of course. I think I will only take them every 2 days or so. My body is healthy and strong and doesn't need to be weighed down with a bunch of vitamins and supplements. I eat healthy and I know my body can take what it needs from the healthy foods i'm putting into my body. I'm drinking my water and staying away from soda. Ahhhhh....if only I could contain this motivation and inspiration forever. If I could just sell it in a bottle...

Well my friends, as much as I'd love to sit and chat, I have to go. Everyday I make a list of things I want to get done that day and that list is calling to me right now. I have a lot of things to get done. If you haven't worked out already- get out there and do it! You'll feel so much better that you did.

D

Update Post

2010-06-15T16:58:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday was a hit and today looks like it's going to be another hit as well. Went to the gym today and sweat my ass off. I didn't lift yesterday or today- I've decided yet again to switch things up and try lifting every OTHER week instead of all the time. So this week is cardio week. I'm running and stairmastering like a crazy woman. It feels really good to just sweat it up and sweat it all out.

I'm also trying to eat better...so today I cut up a cantaloupe, some jicama, some celery, and some watermelon to pick at in the fridge when I want a snack. Had a nice snack of cantaloupe, jicama and hummus while I was cutting things up. Yes, it was the hummus from the mafia mart. That stuff is seriously ridiculous.

Other than that, nothing is really new around here. I would tell you a dating story but oh- that's right- I don't have one. "Action" in that area has been slow to nil lately. I'm trying to just wait patiently for either Brad to come back to CA, or for some other amazing guy to appear. I went out with my friend Elissa the other night and on our way to a party we stopped at the gas station and I managed to make eye contact with some cutie and ask him what was up and where he was going, but that didn't turn into anything because even though it's fun, I don't really care about meeting random dudes. He was nice and invited me and Elissa to join him and his buddies at a local bar but we opted to head to our party instead. I mean, I met him at a gas station! He was cute though...

The thing is, I want the right guy- not just any guy- you know? I know I know, he could've been the right guy and I just didn't give him time to prove it to me. ;) But guys like that come and go everyday and it doesn't phase me.

I hope the Lakers win tonight- just sayin.

xoxo

D

10 weeks to go... (70 days)

2010-06-14T15:33:00.000-07:00

Well, the rampage continues.

NR called yesterday from Montreal to inform me that she went to the gym twice yesterday. While I was definitely excited for her- it also lit yet another fire under my ass. I really don't want her to win this little bet we have going. Well, it's not that I don't want her to win, I want to do as well as she does- let me say it that way. Knowing she's in full on rampage mode is sending me into an oblivion.

I have been wracking my brain for two days regarding last week's gain. I know I said I would leave it in the past and I will- but I do think that it's important to know where you went wrong so you can avoid doing it again in the future. Last night I sat up and researched all of the vitamins and supplements I've been taking lately. Turns out, three of them are supplements to be 'used with caution' or avoided if you have thyroid problems. :) I haven't always been taking these supplements- lately I've been adding in more and more supplements because they've really been helping my skin. But they may be causing weight gain...I'm not quite sure yet. It just didn't make sense to me that I worked out almost every day and watched what I ate and gained almost 2 pounds. 2 pounds? I know I wasn't great on my food choices, but I wasn't horrible either. I didn't have any binges and I did have a lot of good, healthy foods last week. I watched my sugar intake; I watched my breads. So what gives? I think it's the supplements. So now I've got some decisions to make. Great skin? Or skinny...

Starting this week, I'm going to take the supplements every other day, or every third day to see what kind of difference it makes. Hopefully this resolves the issues I'm having. Of course I am going to continue to work out HARD and I'm fully tracking every bite. I read someone's blog yesterday about eating meat, and it immediately sent me back to my vegan/vegetarian days...and I'm considering taking a break from meat again for a little while. I just have a few theories about meat, and while I love it, I just don't know that I need as much of it as I eat. It seems we all eat it as a main dish- and should it really be the main staple in our diets? I'm not sure that for me it should be a main ingredient of my diet. I think fruits/veggies, and whole foods are a better choice. I really love my body and want to treat it healthfully and with respect- I've learned over the years as a massage therapist that if you take care of it now- it will pay off later. :)

Stay the course my friends!

D

Boooo...

2010-06-12T15:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I went to WW this morning, and unfortunately I gained 1.8 pounds. I'm disappointed, because I really feel like I didn't do that bad this week. However, what's done is done and I don't want to sit here and boo hoo over things in the past. It's time to move forward. In an attempt to help myself, I've had to sit down and make some resolutions to help me do better this coming week. Here's what I've decided to do:

1) Buy a scale. I went to Target right after Weight Watchers and bought a beautiful scale. I know that most people don't weigh everyday and don't think it's a great idea, but I am not doing well without weighing everyday. I don't know if it's because I am down to the last 20 pounds or if it's a mental thing or what, but since the scale was removed from within my house, I've gained 5 pounds and I have not been able to lose it. So, I have a new scale. It's pretty, and hopefully it will keep me on track and motivated so there's no more "wondering" all week anymore.
2) I've started tracking again. While I still don't think I did very bad last week, obviously there were a few things I did that I seemed to have forgotten about or dismissed them or not accounted for. So the tracker is alive and kicking.
3) I've decided to give myself another week of weight lifting. Of course, as soon as I saw the weight gain I immediately wanted to blame my muscles. But thinking it over, it doesn't make sense to me. I have lost weight so many times while lifting- I honestly don't think I've gained enough muscle weight to make a difference on the scale in one week. However, if I have another gain next week, I might have to go back to doing strictly cardio for awhile in an effort to burn this crap off. I am NOT playing around here!

Even though I'm disappointed, like I said, it's time to move forward. It's a new week! Which means new opportunities to do better. :)

D

Sleepy Issues...

2010-06-11T22:37:00.000-07:00

Last night was such an odd night- for reasons I can't understand, I was in and out of consciousness until about 5 am this morning, when I finally fell into a deeper sleep. When I did finally drift off, I must've had a bad dream because I woke up bawling my eyes out. This is the second time this week that I've woken up because I was bawling. What does that mean?

I wonder if crying in your sleep is some kind of cleansing process for your body. I've woken up laughing before- but these last two times it's been crying, and something about that bothers me. Am I secretly depressed and don't know it? Is my body trying to deal with some pent up emotions I don't know I have? WEIRD...

So because I didn't really get a good night sleep, I didn't go to the gym today. I didn't eat bad at all today, which is good. And it's 10:35 and I'm getting ready to go to bed as we speak, so I can have a good nights rest tonight. I want to be able to enjoy my day tomorrow...I'm going to clean my house and then go to the gym, and then I'm going to lay in the sun for the rest of the afternoon. The sun BETTER be out tomorrow (right now we got June Gloom going on).

xoxo My lovies!

Positive Affirmations

2010-06-10T22:20:00.000-07:00

Today has been a weird and interesting day.

I woke up and immediately had the worst anxiety. All morning I was freaking out (work related). I tried and tried to get into my routine, but I was too anxiety ridden and couldn't focus. I tried to go to the gym, but once I got there, I didn't really want to work out and started half-assing it. Then my iPod went out and I thought- that's it and left about 20 minutes into the cardio. I was at the gym for a whole 30 minutes or so. It calmed me, but didn't get rid of the anxiety because I didn't give myself the time i needed to work it out.

Then, half way through the day, I started to calm down and realize that all the stress and anxiety was self inflicted/created. Why I do things like this, I'll never understand. I mean, I think I hate the drama and the stress, and yet for some reason I continually create it in my mind for myself. Of course around lunch I binged a little because I was tired of freaking out. Luckily it wasn't a horrific binge- a tortilla with cheese dipped in ranch- but it was enough to make me feel guilty, especially cause my work out sucked. This whole week has been....eh...at best.

Then NR started stressing out because she leaves tomorrow for 3 weeks for work and she was already in work mode, trying to prepare for her trip. It may end up being 7 weeks that she's gone, she's not sure yet. So I had to quit freaking because I had to help her start preparing (she was already helping me chill). We went to the mall and then to Whole Foods, and by the time I was done shopping for food I had re-committed to this challenge. It's not that I haven't been committed- but I haven't given it my all this week. I haven't tracked like I should've. While other days I worked out hard, today I half-assed it. I decided to come home and go for a run, but we didn't end up making it home until after dark, so that didn't get to happen. I had a few slip ups this week- but starting tomorrow (weigh in is Saturday), I am recommitting again. We did have a few bites of key lime pie tonight (did I mention NR is leaving the country? We had to celebrate with an American favorite), but it's gone now and the rampage is back on.

I'm actually really excited to be so committed while NR is gone. I really want to have some good drops while she's gone to show her I can do this. She kept pumping me up today while we were at Whole Foods, reminding me that when she gets back we might have to take another trip to Vegas and we need to be on point by then. Tan, fresh, and SKINNY! I loved it; she's such a good motivator for me. She made me promise to get some 3 x 5 cards so I can write down positive affirmations to think about and focus on while she's gone. She said I can only use positive words. Example: I am a happy, healthy, strong woman and I love my life and myself. Isn't that great?

So even though I never fully got off the wagon- I'm fully back on. I. am. so. excited!

Positivity and affirmations = success to come.

Stay focused and positive friends!

Fun Date; Death Date

2010-06-09T12:28:00.000-07:00

Brad is so cute.

I wish you could see how cute he is. Now, I'm about to explain what he looks like to you. And you're going to read this description and think...um...D's lost her mind. But I promise you, I haven't. He really is cute; but it's hard to explain via blog. Anyway, he is tall- super tall, probably 6'2 or 6'3 (I'm 5'4), medium build (muscular, but not wiry skinny like some guys...he's got some meat which I like), strawberry blond/red hair with a million freckles all over. I mean, a million+. I couldn't count all of his little freckles if I tried. He has blonde eyelashes and blonde eyebrows. He has great lips, and super straight, white teeth. Basically I'm trying to tell you that he has a killer smile. His eyes are light- I'm not sure if they're light green or light blue, but they fit him. He is so cute.

We went to BJ's on Main Street here in Huntington Beach for dinner, and it was perfect because on Tuesday nights here in Huntington Beach they have a street fair on Tuesday nights...so we were able to walk around for a little while and look at the different booths and vendors selling things on the street, and listen to the music (there's always a live band on one end of the street, by the pier) while smelling funnel cake and other yummies in the air. We got a table pretty quickly at BJ's which surprised me because the Lakers game was on the big screen and no one was leaving the restaurant. But the weather was nice and the doors were all open so even though we sat out on the patio, we could hear the cheers and still see the game from outside which was fun.

Conversation was good; we didn't get into anything too deep but then again, it was a first date; it was more about just getting to know the basics and finding out about who the other person is a little. I can tell he has opinions on things, and he actually brought up adult topics vs. some of the guys I meet who only want to talk about working out, which I liked. He's very logical (which is probably why he's in the UCLA business program). He's quiet, but he's solid, and I like that. I felt comfortable and respected the whole time, and I like that too. He gave me several hugs when he left and promised to call me again when he's back in CA.

Wait, what?

Yeah. He's moving back to Utah today for the summer. That's where his family lives. He's a full time student at UCLA getting his MBA, and he tried to find a job for the summer but couldn't find one in time so he has to go home so he can work. :( I was a little bummed, but I think overall it's okay because we had a great time and I believe he will call me again and that also gives me time to prepare for his return and also just relax and have fun this summer. There are still a few other boys on the radar you know...

As far as my diet is concerned...well...the date wasn't exactly the best thing I could've done. Or, BJ's wasn't the best choice...or maybe it was the mediterranean pizza that wasn't the best choice. Actually, the mediterranean pizza was the best choice- I've looked it up and it has around 500 calories for the whole thing, so I always get it and try to only eat part of it. Of course the waitress messed up the order and brought out the wrong size, so that freaked me out a little but I only ate 1.5 pieces and put the rest in a box and brought it home, only to throw it away later because I don't need it. We also got lettuce wraps though, and we ended up at Cold Stone afterwards while wandering the street fair. I really didn't want to go to Cold Stone, but it's Brad's favorite place and it's typical for mormons to end their dates with ice cream treats, so we stopped in. The good news is I got the smallest size (Birthday Remix baby!) and I didn't finish it. I just think the ice cream at Cold Stone is so heavy; it always makes my stomach hurt. I felt a little guilty only because when all is said and done, all of it together was probably around 1000 calories and I didn't do cardio yesterday. No worries though! I got up this morning and am more determined than EVER to handle this. I went to the gym this morning and worked out HARD. I feel amazing right now. Plus the results of last weeks BL competition came out last night and I am in 5th place out of 28 girls...WHAT!!!??? If I can stay solid through the rest of the week and keep working really hard, I still think I could lose my 1.5 pounds that I need to. Plus I'm already seeing girls start to drop...they either didn't weigh in this week (which disqualifies them) or they didn't lose; and some of them who were in the top spots last week are already at the bottom this week. I just have to stay strong! I'm feeling really good about it.

On the way home from the gym I had the windows down and I heard someone scream my name, and I stopped, looked around, and saw Marty pedaling towards my car on his bike. He just left the beach (beach volleyball...that kid never changes) and was all sandy and cute. We talked for a few minutes until another car came up behind me; It was really good to see him and say hi. Not because I miss him; some things have happened and I finally got the closure I needed to move on. I'm just so thankful for the way things work out sometimes- I really feel blessed and happy in my life right now.

xoxo-

D

A little bit of binging, mixed with a little bit of boys...

2010-06-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

Hello my little blog lovies!! Time for my daily check in...

Well...there is good news...and there is caution. Yesterday NR and I went to the gym and KILLED it. I have been working out so hard and trying so hard to watch my points; I've been very pleased with myself I must say. :) Last night after dinner, I still had 2 points left...and NR and I had plans to go down to the beach and have a bonfire with some other people from church. Both of us are on a rampage to meet guys...

Well, when we got down to the bonfire, they were somehow cooking corn on the cob. I'm not sure if they were roasting it or boiling it over the fire, but of course, I saw someone husking a cob and without thought I dove right in. Was I hungry? No, I'd just had dinner. Did I justify it because it was corn? Yes. Did I need to slather butter all over it? No. But did I do it anyway? Of course!

So there I am, mowing my corn in the middle of this bonfire social...and I start getting a little anxiety. So I tell myself- you're fine, this is it Diz...no more after this. It was still early- I'd say 8ish, so I wasn't too concerned. We stayed and talked and mingled until about 10, and then NR, Allen and I left and decided to come home, take showers to rid ourselves of the smoke smell, and watch a movie. Allen was complaining that he was starving and NR was complaining that she needed a treat...and in my mind I was complaining that I needed to toughen up and NOT have a treat and NOT eat anything with Allen.

Well, Allen went home to take a shower and came back over and when he came back he had hummus from our local mafia mart. No one makes hummus like our local mafia. It's the best hummus you will ever put in your mouth, hands down. He fired up the stove and started toasting some pitas and the next thing I know, I'm mowing down hummus and pitas with NR and Allen while we're laughing our heads off to a movie. NR, Allen and me were scooping that hummus onto our pitas like you would scoop ice cream up for a brownie. He had 2 cartons of it- and we cleaned out one carton in 10 minutes flat. What happened to my self control? I swear the mafia puts something in their hummus...it's just not right. After the mow down I felt guilty, and it didn't help that I had this huge nasty brick of bread and hummus in my stomach at 11:30 at night. I know I have the flex points to cover said corn, butter, pitas and hummus...but I didn't want to use my flex points this week...AND it's only Tuesday. AND I have a date tonight- Brad. We're going to dinner; he is really cute and on the ball, and a little socially awkward...which I find somewhat endearing and also somewhat frustrating. Because of his social awkwardness, he gets self conscious when he talks to me and goes strictly into business mode. I want to get to know him! I want to push past this little facade he has going on, but he will NOT let me quite yet. Hopefully tonight. ;) Tonight is date #1 with Brad. I met him at a Luau about 2 or 3 weeks ago, but he's been busy with finals at UCLA Business school of Marshall, so he hasn't had the time to take me out yet. So tonight we celebrate. I also have date #2 with Larry on Thursday. Tomorrow night is dinner in LA with my old roommate and some of our other friends. And with socializing comes food...sigh...

NR is leaving for 3 weeks for work and we have a mini challenge to see who can lose more weight while she's gone (in a healthy way of course). Naturally I want to win; but she's a little more disciplined than I am. I am REALLY going to have to focus! She leaves on Friday. :(

Let's hope things go well with Brad!!!! I'll let you guys know tomorrow...

D

77 Days to go...

2010-06-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

It's kind of early in the day to be posting already for me, but I just couldn't wait. I had to give you guys my goals for this Biggest Loser competition, now that I've worked some of them out.

I finally found out when the last day of the competition is- or the last weigh in: it's on August 23rd. That gives me 11 weeks from today. 77 more days. Right now I weigh 143. If I lose 1 pound a week- that will put me at 132 pounds. If I lose 1.5 pounds a week- that puts me at 126.5. And if I lose 2 pounds a week- we're talking 121. What the...what? I've never weighed anything close to that- I haven't been under 130 pounds since I was...12 maybe? I don't even know when. I will be STOKED if I am anywhere around 132; so that is what I'm shooting for. If I lose more- GREAT! I will be happy. If I lose less that's okay too. I don't know if it's enough to win the money, but who cares, right? The money has always just been icing on the cake for me; I'm not planning on winning it. Losing 11 pounds from here to the end will still put me around a 10% total body loss including everything that has been lost so far in this competition. It's enough to bring me back to an ideal weight for my body type, and I'm actually really excited to make this happen. I'm inspired right now; happy. Excited, hopeful.

I went to the gym this morning and lifted legs- so hard. Especially because my legs are still sore from last week's workout! I also had a super healthy breakfast...consisting of half of a banana before the gym, and then an egg, an egg white, spinach and mushrooms when I got back. I'm tracking everything I eat; I'm tracking my work outs, I feel strong and healthy, and I'm ready to do this! 77 days! LOOONNNNG...but good. The goals are not too steep. I can lose 1 - 1.5 pounds a week. I will be successful in this journey...

On a different note- I've been thinking a lot about my blog (again). A few days ago I went back and read my first post; it was so nostalgic to go back and read that first entry. It's been almost a year since I started my blog...I believe the first entry was in September (Can you believe it's already JUNE????). After reading it, I remembered that this blog has always been about dieting and dating for me...and how the two intermingle in my life. That first entry was about how insecure I was that the guy I was dating at the time was rolling around with me on my bed, grabbing me, and how self-conscious I was because he was touching my back fat. I've cut out the dating stuff lately but I don't feel like my blog is as complete without it. Plus I've gotten a few emails that people have written expressing that my readers miss the dating stuff. :) PLUS, I feel like it was wrong of me to freak out on someone for writing something that wasn't 'what I wanted'. If people want to say a different opinion, an honest opinion, they should be able to do so- many of you have given me honest feedback many times and I have not always been so stringent about it. I've read on other people's blogs where the comments weren't super positive or super uplifting, and the blogger will still post the comment. Should I incorporate my dating life back into the blog folks? I just feel like one affects the other here- my dating affects my dieting...and my dieting affects my dating (as much as I hate to admit that). I have always loved writing about both...and this blog has always been about both. Thoughts?

D

The results...

2010-06-06T18:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I survived my weigh in. I'm down three pounds baby!!!! YESSSSSSSSS

I'll take it. I know some of it was the bloating; but I'm so happy that at least I'm back on the way down and not up anymore that I do NOT care. 3.2 more pounds until I'm back at HB conference weight- which is nothing! 1-2 weeks and I'm done with the post pity party gain and back on track. And the confidence and happiness I felt during that time period will be back too...

I'm so happy to be so close to goal weight (10-15 lbs), and have something (like this challenge) to push me to the end. I haven't felt this motivated or believed that I could actually achieve this in so long. Seriously I feel so confident and comfortable right now, knowing that I'm in the home stretch and that I will get there and stay there. And I've talked to several of the girls in the competition and people are already kind of bowing out. If I can seriously stay focused long enough and work hard enough, I might actually be able to win the money too!!! I'm trying not to worry about the money, but come on...wouldn't that just be FABULOUS! The thing is though, I don't know all of the girls competing...it got so large that girls that work with other girls are now in too and so I don't know how good my chances really are..but who cares? Even if I don't win the money..I will be in the best shape of my life. :) Which means also that I will have the most confidence and love for life too...

Ok, now I'm rambling again..

D

It's about that time again...

2010-06-04T18:45:00.000-07:00

Oh my RAMPAGE!

I have been doing pretty good on my rampage- tomorrow morning is weigh in and I told NR at the gym this afternoon that I'm nervous about it. She asked why- she knows I've been doing pretty good, but since I don't have a scale at home, I don't have any way to gauge how I'm doing, so it scares me. For the rest of you, being obsessed with weighing doesn't work; you seem to need that freedom from the scale to really succeed. I, apparently, am the opposite. Without constantly weighing in, I seem to either forget or forgive myself too much and when it comes to weigh in time, I never do as well as I'm hoping. Even if I'm writing things down, I need to physically SEE that the weight is coming off to keep myself motivated. And right now I can't see it. I really want to have a good drop this week, I need it to keep me motivated. NR and I have been working really hard since we got back from Vegas; I've started lifting again and doing a little cardio in the afternoons; I didn't even write a post yesterday because I had to go to bed last night! I've been making myself go to bed by 11:30 every night to ensure I'm getting enough sleep; I'm taking my vitamins; I've even cut out soda and caffeine and have been watching my carbs pretty closely...

But I don't feel skinnier. I can't tell when I look in the mirror. Maybe because it's been a short week (I just weighed on Tuesday). That's the only thing I have to go off of right now (the mirror) and I want to cry. What if I didn't lose anything this week? I know it's a short week (because I just weighed Tuesday), but my normal weigh in is Saturdays; this week was just whacky because of Vegas.

Heaven Help Me.

D

The track feels GOOOOOOOOOD...

2010-06-02T19:20:00.000-07:00

What up!!!!

Yesterday the scale was pretty harsh, but because I was in such a fog from not sleeping for two days (I felt like I was in an alternate universe), it didn't seem to phase me much. Today, luckily, I'm still not letting it phase me. Instead I'm headed to the gym with NR to get an intense, high energy workout in. We're also going grocery shopping, which is good because I need healthy foods if I'm going to do this. I also told her that I will NOT go out for a few days because it is also my goal to get a few really good nights of sleep. Thanks to a FABULOUS follower's tip, I've also created a little motivational corner in my room for myself...from HOT PINK poster board stating my goals and pictures that motivate me, to a calendar with stickers to track my progress and help me stay focused on how many days I have to go. WOOT!

It will also be good that I have the Ragnar Relay to focus on after the Biggest Loser Challenge is finished because I've been nervous about going into a funk after the contest is over. This gives me a good solid 5 months of focus and working out to work on- hopefully I will be in a nice habit formed place and will be used to it by then so I won't plummet. ;)

It seriously helps that NR is on the rampage too- we've been swapping stories and tips, motivating each other and reminding each other of the things we DON'T want to do, plus she just found a weight lifting class to go to tonight (two-a-days baby!!). She helps me stay motivated and encourages me when I'm down and tired and don't want to think about it. She told me this weekend she could already tell in my face and neck/shoulder area that I was losing a little, and that encouraged me to keep going when normally I would've lost steam.

I'm so glad I decided to do this challenge because it was just the pick me up I needed to re-focus and get back on track!

D

Sin City Salvation.

2010-06-01T11:12:00.000-07:00

I'm finally home from Vegas.

I thought I did pretty well- I didn't drink (I don't drink), I ran everyday except yesterday (I didn't go to bed Sunday night til 5:30 am and then woke up around 9:30 and went immediately to the pool to chill and couldn't exercise), I ate very well...never stuffed myself, ate small portions, worked out everyday, etc...so why when I went to WW today did I gain a pound? UM... EXCUSE ME?

Maybe it's because I haven't actually been to bed yet. I was out again last night until my flight this morning at 6 am. I'm now at work. I think my body is pissed and therefore somewhat bloated...is this possible?

Well...I'm not off to a good start with my freaking Biggest Loser challenge even though I thought I did pretty good all weekend. I swear it's the sleep deprivation. I mean, I was dancing like a maniac every night in the club; there is just no way I seriously gained. No way.

I need to sleep.

D

It's 4:14 AM and I"m just now writing this post...

2010-05-28T04:32:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends!

I'm writing this post to you from Vegas; no, I'm not drunk. It's 4:15 am and it may be my last post to you until the weekend is over. I was so slammed with work and getting ready to leave yesterday (and other things) that I didn't have time to write this post before I left. I figured once I got here, I'd write no problem. But then I got here, and now I'm realizing that me just writing posts everyday isn't going to happen. :)

So far things are going well. The challenge seems to be helping me make good choices. All day long things like "$625!" pop in my head when I see a treat or feel too lazy to work out, so that's good. I did have a little dove chocolate last night with my din but kind of felt a little sick afterwards. Might not have been the dove's fault, but I kind of think it was. My stomach just got 'tight' for a few minutes, not sure. Also went for a 4.5 mile run yesterday and I always forget how much running relaxes me. I ran along the beach path and was mentally struggling with some anxiety/stress beforehand and about 20 minutes in I was able to mute everything and just move. The hum and drum of your body and your breathing and the ocean waves and the salty air mixed with seagulls dipping for their lunch; mixed with surfers bobbing in the water...all of it drowns out the crap thats milling around in your head when you run, and I love that. Plus I passed a lady running back home and that pushed me to run harder (so she wouldn't pass me back) and I almost felt like I was racing again (traces of races past ran through my mind), and that felt good too because it's been awhile since something spurred me into sprint mode. Why do I always wait way too long to start running again? My body missed it and sometimes I don't realize it until I'm pounding it out on the pavement and I love that too. Just a bunch of love for the run I guess. :)

Running will be my main workout while I'm here in Vegas this weekend. I carefully packed all my gear yesterday while I was getting ready for this trip and it was kind of a delicate process to get everything in my suitcase. Again, I loved it. I loved placing my running shoes face down on my clothes, and charging my iPod and packing that, and then closing my bag and knowing that I'll be hitting the pavement hard in a new place. It'll be good to run here too because this is where the Ragnar will be so at least I'll have a good idea of how much the elevation difference affects me. A friend of mine stopped by my house yesterday while on a run of his own and he's also on my team for Ragnar; and he just got back from a run/race in Denver- so we talked at length about the elevation differences of the places he's been running lately. Denver is so much higher elevation wise than Huntington Beach; but Vegas shouldn't be enough to really cuz me to feel like I'm suffocating (right?)...so we'll see. I'll keep you guys posted on what I find...

I just realized I'm hungry. Is it wrong to snack at 4:30 am? I feel like it could be...so I'm just going to make myself go to bed.

XOXO - Happy Memorial Day Weekend!!

D

And it begins...

2010-05-26T09:05:00.000-07:00

Things are getting even more crazy around here...

Yesterday I told NR about the challenge...and she started thinking maybe she wanted to join (she's up from last summer), so she came to the gym with me to discuss while we worked out. As we were stepping on the stairmaster we talked about the competition. We talked about all the girls that are in the competition and what the best strategy should be to win (I personally think this is more a marathon race than a sprint- slow and steady weight loss...yet consistent...yields the best results, don't you think? I think girls will start burning out come month 2; there are a lot of "hard core" ladies right now; don't think it's sustainable for 3 months personally) etc. NR was pumping me up, telling me that she thought I could honestly win the competition (the grand prize is $625!!!!). She told me that I have the body type for it, and that since I was one of the bigger girls competing, I could do this.

Then NR decided to weigh herself before we left the gym in case she decided to join later. She had no idea how much she weighs because we don't have a scale at the house. Well, shiz hit the fan. Just kidding, actually, she handled it way better than I would've. She said she weighs the most now than she's ever weighed in her life. The good news is, she came home and dumped out literally all the food in our house (which was fine with me since I've already joined the competition). We have a carton of eggs and some spinach in the fridge right now (time to go shopping!) Even if she doesn't officially join the competition, just having her be on a rampage too helps me so much. We had a light dinner (eggs and eggplant for me) and then headed off to an Angel's game with a good friend of ours who just got married (and is also a personal trainer).

At the Angel's game, our friend started saying the same kinds of things NR was saying at the gym- that I would do really well in this competition if I could commit to it. We talked at length about it because not only does she know a lot of the other girls competing (she teaches a couple of 6 am classes at the gym and of course, half the girls were there yesterday morning), she also knows what it would take to win the competition. I was trying to run by her my strategies, but ultimately I decided to give them up because she made some fantastic points about this. She basically said that I needed to find a weight loss strategy that was sustainable because ultimately we all end up going back to what's comfortable to us, so if we do something too drastic, it only increases the chances that we'll go back to our old ways even faster. I know we all know this, but it was good for me to hear again. I kept asking her how to stay committed, because honestly that's my biggest fear/problem. She said to get up every day and re-engage myself in the mirror. I need to write down my goals and look at them every morning and think about how I can achieve them. Staying focused will be my biggest asset. Yes, the other girls may or may not lag in the middle. She said they might go strong in the beginning, lag a little in the middle, and then finish strong because they're motivated in the end. In the middle will be the toughest part, and I know she's right. All things we know as dieters...but things I need to hear right now. I'm happy we talked about my strategies and what I should do. I know both girls love me and think I can do this, and I love their support and am motivated by it.

So without further ado, my before pictures, my measurements, and my official start:

Measurements as of today, 5/26:

Neck: 13.75
L Arm: 12
R Arm: 12
Bust: 37.5
Stomach: 35
Hips: 40.5
L Thigh: 24.5
R Thigh: 24.5
L calf: 13.75
R calf: 13.75

Weight: 145.4

Pray for me!!! I'm feeling super positive today, off to the gym to start my rampage!!

D

Biggest Loser Death...

2010-05-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

So my friends are holding a local Biggest Loser competition here in HB and at the last second I signed up at 1 am this morning. It goes until the end of August and everyone is being measured by how much overall % of weight lost...so it should be interesting and I might have a fighting chance. Entrance fee is $25 and winner takes the pot; there are also monthly prizes and 2nd and 3rd place prizes as well. As far as I know, we have over 20 girls signed up so far.

I kinda needed this to kick me into gear. All of my friends are in workout mode like I've never seen (thanks to this competition). People are getting up at 6 and going running and then going to hot yoga right after for 90 minutes of sweating...and then back to the gym in the afternoons and to be honest it's making me nervous. But I keep reminding myself, it's 3 months, and the way to win this competition is to be steady; not spastic. Right? Right? I can do this...right???? I need a cheer team right now...I'm scared. But I told myself last night- why not, even if you don't win, you need the motivation Diz.

I'm about to go to the gym right now...the good news is I ALSO have the Ragnar in October so this will keep me motivated to prepare for that with a lot of running. OMG, what have I done to myself? Already I'm trying to watch what i eat...from here on out...everything matters. Everything will matter. I wonder how long I'll stay motivated for this...or how long other girls will stay motivated...as I was thinking about it this morning while driving around I thought to myself...3 months is a long time. Doesn't seem like it, but when you're in it, it is long. Some of these girls are insane tho. I don't even know anyone who is in the competition who is "big" to begin with. In fact, honestly, I'm one of the "biggest" ones involved. Still, the game is based on % of weight lost. I'm a little afraid; this is the first weight competition I've ever participated in. Runs, triathlons, things of that nature- those are easy because you're only competing against yourself. And it's up to you how well you do; no one sees your percentage of weight lost every week...(there's a spreadsheet that will go out every Tuesday to announce who's in the lead and show everyone's percentages. No one's weight will actually be seen except by the girl that is the master leader of the whole thing. She has to see everyone's beginning and ending weights to keep it honest). I'm just scared because you know how motivated I'm usually not...and pressure has never been my friend.

Alright friends, I have to go to the gym. Everyone else went this morning. Instead I was pounding NOS and trying to wake up because I had appointments starting at 9 am for work. I told myself though that starting next week I'm going to start going in the AM's too- remember I said I wanted to start lifting again? Yeah...time to pull out all the stops. My starting weight was 145.4. My weigh ins will continue to be Saturdays, with reporting my #'s on Mondays (that's the deadline for all weigh ins- Monday at midnight). This week will be an exception because of the holiday; Weigh in deadline will be Tuesday but because I'm going to Vegas on Thursday, I will probably weigh in Thursday morning and turn in that number. So this week is a super short week (because I just signed up today and will be weighing in again on Thursday), but hopefully next week I can kick some booty. I will keep you guys updated on everything of course; I know I keep saying this but honestly I need you guys to help me stay motivated and cheer me on because I'm scared. It's not about the money to me (although it would be nice to win), I honestly just need something to push me to drop my last few pounds and I'm hoping this is it. I know it sounds stupid, but honestly I am kind of scared. I know how I am; I'm not someone who has ever done well under pressure and I'm not super motivated to begin with so...anyway, I'm rambling now. I always operate out of fear first...but I'm learning to overcome that.. NO FEAR. Should I take before and after photo shots too? I can post them for you guys to see to help me track myself...Wish me luck!!!

D

Is spiritual health more important than physical health? Not sure...

2010-05-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

I seriously don't have much time to write this post, but I just had to get my feelings down before I forgot or they changed again.

I've been thinking so much about the last post and the comments I've been receiving, and about spirituality and healthy eating in general. My mind has drifted down a different path, yet again. Today I'm thinking that this whole "be one with the universe and all falls into place" is a farce. Or at least a semi-farce. Why? Because here's the bottom line folks- yes, being one with the universe is important, if that's what brings you peace and happiness. Obviously we're all seeking peace and happiness. But what's more important is that if you want to be thin and healthy, you have to follow the laws that govern health. Plain and simple. If you eat healthy foods, you will have the energy to work out and get through your day. You will also be taking in less calories just by simply eating healthier than if you were pounding buttery steak and cheesy mash potatoes (mmmm!). You can be one with the universe, and be happy with everything around you, and still eat like crap. I don't agree with this lady that your physical appearance is an outside reflection of how you feel about life and yourself (someone told me that this is part of the book). I know too many women who may be a tad bit overweight and still love life and are super positive people. I feel like I love life to the fullest on most days, and yet that doesn't translate to me being skinny. You can search your soul- you can resolve issues that you have. Those are both wonderful things that need to happen in life anyway. You will feel burdens being lifted off your back (literally) as you resolve issues and find peace within yourself- or if you "fix" things that need to be fixed on other levels, such as spiritually and emotionally. But you still need to eat healthily and workout. You won't just naturally go to a restaurant and order X and only eat a few bites of it, if that isn't in your nature. If you're not doing that on a consistent basis anyway, it's not just going to happen overnight. Maybe the book inspires people to start thinking about this- and if that's the case, that is wonderful and I support it. But health laws are health laws and they don't change just because one finds inner peace. Of course, if you find inner peace and that stops you from "stuffing" your emotions with food- that's great. But I just don't think that all of this "stuffing" down emotions with food is anything new to the world...and yet in this day and age people are fat; and they weren't so in previous era's of life. The reason? I would like to argue that I think it's because of the Abundance that we are afforded in this day and age.

We have abundance in this society, and like anything else, we still have to have discipline when partaking. Just because there is plenty of wealth out there (whether we're talking financial wealth, food, clothes, whatever) doesn't mean we need to keep hoarding everything in front of us. We still have to have discipline because too much of anything- bad OR good can be bad for our health. Moderation is key- whether it's moderation in drinking, moderation in eating, moderation in spending your money, whatever. That's the law we need to learn to live by. If the book inspires you to learn to love yourself and see yourself as God sees you- that is great and I commend that. But you still need to learn to live in moderation. We all do- that is my biggest problem right now. It's HARD to learn this; if you're like me, you'll spend a lifetime trying to learn to control your impulses. In era's past, they weren't afforded all of the abundance we have today, so they didn't have to learn the same level of discipline that we have to. So what? None of that matters- what matters is that you learn how to control your eating habits; and that you make healthy choices.

That's why programs like Weight Watchers is a great program- because it helps you learn to control yourself. Yes, being God's daughter is great and can help us overcome some of our internal lack of confidence. Having confidence will help us to make better choices because we'll start to believe that we're worth it. I'm here to tell you that you are. You are worth trying for. I am worth trying for. I am worth the struggle every day to learn moderation and do better for myself. Yes, I need help sometimes. I need to be reminded (often) that I can do this- we can do this. But I can. And so can you. We can make the right choices and see the 'fruits of our labors'. We can reap what we sow- and we can sow something great for ourselves and our futures and our families and loved ones. We CAN be thin, beautiful, happy- and we can rejoice in our abundant lives.

Don't get me wrong folks- I'm not bagging on the book- I've never read it and like I've told many of you- if it's something worth reading, I will (and probably should) pick it up. I'm just voicing the lines of thought that the book has provoked in me and in conversations I've had about it since I heard about it. What I've said here is all my own thoughts and is in no way a reflection of the book, because, like I keep mentioning, I haven't read it.

That is all- have a great day.

D

Skewed View

2010-05-23T17:48:00.000-07:00

So has anyone read the book on Oprah that talks about women, food, and God or whatever? I never saw the episode, but I've been hearing about it repeatedly from other people, and just had a super long conversation with my mom about it. She wants to go buy it. Apparently the premise is that once we learn to see ourselves as God sees us (and I'm repeating what my mother said, like I said I never saw the episode), we will not have the need to keep stuffing our negative and feelings of "lack" down with food. And once we quit eating to numb ourselves, we can develop a healthy relationship with food and also lose weight. Obviously, these lessons also extend passed weight loss as well.

Of course I'm super intrigued by this. Intrigued because lately there have been several experiences - in my life and in the life of others around me - where I have realized that how I'm viewing a situation could be/is wrong. But because I view it (or viewed it) the way that I did, I started feeling a bunch of guilt and feelings of "I'm not enough"...and "why am I not enough?", and my friend did too in her experience. Especially with my friends situation, since I was on the outside, I was able to look at it and tell her- you're wrong. It's NOT you- it's him. And it was true- I could easily see that she was taking on feelings of remorse, worthlessness and "lack" based off of his issues that she translated as something she must've done wrong, when in reality it was his problem that was affecting 'them'. A different friend was able to point this out to me about my situation, and amazingly I realized she was right and that I was looking at the situation all wrong. It wasn't me; but I (wrongly) thought it was. Which in turn caused depression and the need to eat and stuff/numb. My point is, through these experiences, I'm starting to realize that it's totally possible and LIKELY that I'm not viewing myself as I really am or as God sees me.

I've been thinking a lot about this, and I'm coming to the conclusion that when/if we can't see ourselves in the correct light (as we really are- beautiful, intelligent, compassionate loving ~~creatures~~ daughters (or sons) of God) then we can't reach our full potential, and we end up stunting our own growth. In this issue of weight- we stunt our ability to overcome our food addictions or our ability to lose weight. We feel negative or disappointed in ourselves for whatever reason, so we keep eating, in turn sabotaging ourselves...which in turn cause us to eat more. It's a vicious cycle. And I'm over it.

I'm not about to go buy the book. My mom wants to check it out, and if she likes it then I'll look into it. But I keep thinking about this- where's the limit if we tap into our full potential? Is there really a limit? How skinny, beautiful, happy could we really feel/be if we saw ourselves as we really are? This reminds me of the Nelson Mandela quote I've put on this blog several times in the past. The line that comes to mind is- who are we NOT to be beautiful, talented, etc?

Now if I can only learn to really absorb these concepts and apply them to my life...I wonder how much different my eating habits and life would really be. I feel like things would be drastically different, honestly. For whatever reason, I think I've been kind of headed in this general direction lately anyway, since I've been thinking a lot about NR's eating habits lately. She's not an emotional eater; I am, and it's become clear to me since we've been living together. In the past I've always lived with other girls that have had some kind of issue with food, so no one has really shown me how not to be. But NR, without even realizing it (or knowing it) has taught me so much just by being herself. Her relationship to food is normal; she's healthy. She eats when she's hungry. She eats healthy foods. She stops when she's full. It makes me want to change.

I meant to write a post that was more about eating healthy and how it's better for our bodies, but this came out instead. Hopefully I write that one soon cause it was a good one (I had an extensive conversation with a friend about it last night in the car) and it inspired me the most of all the things that have attempted to inspire me in the last month. But this one came out instead- so I hope it touches someone or someone can tell me more about the book.

Pizza and Ice cream Part 2.

2010-05-21T18:17:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot today about what happened last night. Thinking about it over pizza and ice cream- today I had 2 more pieces for breakfast and then a couple of bites of the ice cream. And then something amazing happened. I kept thinking about NR...I think she had some tea this morning and that's it. She usually starts out her mornings with a cup of tea while she reads a little and gets ready to start her day. While I was munching my cold pizza for breakfast, I kept mulling over how she starts her day. The pizza suddenly didn't taste good anymore and I tossed the rest of it away- half a freaking pizza! Same with the ice cream. Eating it for some reason makes me feel disappointed in myself and sick. I want so bad to make this work- eating that crap just makes me pissed at myself.

NR is gone all weekend so I'm going to use this opportunity to really focus on being good and working out a lot. She doesn't hinder me in anyway, if anything she motivates me, but I still feel like I do best when I'm focusing on these things alone. I'm a little nervous because I'm going up to LA tonight to hang out with the old roommate and I know we're going to dinner, and then I have a bridal shower over lunch tomorrow. Food food food. When you're trying to avoid it, it seems to come at you from every angle. When you want it, it's there. If you don't want it- wait a couple of hours and eventually you'll want it again.

I'd love to elaborate more but I have to get ready to go to LA- hope you all have a fabulous night!

MUAH!

D

Pizza Peripheral.

2010-05-21T00:39:00.000-07:00

I know I've been posting a lot lately, but something interesting went down tonight and I thought I'd share.

NR and I had some company tonight and half way through a movie she turns to me and says, "I didn't eat dinner and I'm starving- are you hungry?" Of course I was; I hadn't had dinner either, but figured I'd just eat a handful of nuts and a handful of pretzels and tough it out since I didn't make it to the gym in time before our guests arrived (I had less than one hour from the time I arrived home from work and the guests arrived). So NR and I offered to get some drinks and booked it to the kitchen to scavenge for food. Neither of us could find anything we wanted to eat, so I grabbed the peanut butter and shoved a spoonful in my mouth while NR decided to order a pizza. Okay, putting the peanut butter down then. When the pizza came, we put it out in the living room for everyone to enjoy. Now, the pizza was a Roundtable Pizza- for those of you who are familiar (or maybe it's just the one here, I'm not sure), they cut their slices into little slices. I don't know why they cut their slices so small, but it's fine with me- I'd rather have a few small pieces than try to deal with one large piece after another. So you have an idea- 4 pieces of a Roundtable pizza would be equivalent to 2 regular slices of pizza anywhere else (standard size). I decided to go light on the pizza tonight because as I mentioned, I didn't make it to the gym tonight, and even though I was starving, I'd also had a handful of nuts, pretzels, and a spoonful of PB too.

All of the sudden the crazy in me kicked in and I became hyper aware of how much everyone else in the room was eating. I had 2 pieces of pizza; meanwhile, everyone else had one. Even NR, who said she was starving, happily grazed on one piece before putting her plate down. At the same time it dawned on me that I was fighting an urge to keep eating. I have a tendency, especially with pizza, to keep eating. It was hard not to keep eating.

I felt really ashamed when I realized that no one else was going to eat any more. My cheeks burned as I watched the movie and replayed the whole thing over in my head. It wasn't the fact that I ate too much, because I only had 2 small pieces; but it was the fact that I wanted to keep eating that was really chapping my hide. And the fact that I had eaten more than anyone else in the room and was struggling to stop. I didn't "need" anymore...I just wanted more.

About an hour later, after I finally forgot about the pizza fiasco and was enjoying the movie, someone decided it was time for a little ice cream (the boys brought over a carton). Well, I went into the kitchen to help him dish up the ice cream and I noticed that he was only scooping little regular spoon size scoops of ice cream into a few coffee mugs he found in the cupboard. No bowls, he went for the mugs. Each mug had MAYBE 2 or 3 spoonfuls of ice cream. I thought to myself- hey, at least you're not overeating Diz, which is good cause you didn't work out, and I took out a few mugs to my other guests in the living room. I ate my ice cream super slow while my peripheral vision tracked everyone else. They were all eating slow too. Enjoying their ice cream no doubt. Mine was practically melted I was eating it so slow. Next thing you know, I hear myself scraping the mug. No one else was scraping mugs...no one else even had their mug in their hand. I looked around; somewhere between me becoming engrossed in my scraping everyone else had quietly put down their mugs and were watching the movie. My cheeks burned even hotter. I would've easily eaten the amount of everyone's ice cream in the room, plus some, had I been alone.

Even after everyone left and I was cleaning up, I was fighting the urge to have just one more slice of pizza. I don't really know what this means...And I'm hesitant to publish this post because I'm afraid of what it says about me. Do I have food issues? I feel like secretly tracking everyone else's movements makes me a weirdo and crazy. And then when I realize how much more i eat than everyone else, again I feel like a basket case. I'm sad and embarrassed, not because of anything I did tonight, but because I know myself and I know what I normally would do in this situation, if there hadn't been boys and NR involved. NR is very skinny; I've noticed over the last few weeks that she mostly drinks tea. She eats, don't get me wrong, she'll eat...but mostly she drinks tea. Where I sit and eat nuts or chocolate or cheetoh's, she has a coffee mug in her hands and is warming them while sipping and pondering life with a blanket on her lap. And she has no problem throwing food out. I don't want to waste food; she doesn't want to store it.

Okay, while I could give a whole dissertation on NR's eating habits, I won't. I'm going to bed. Just thought I'd log the events of the evening before I drifted off. What do you think it means? I'm just a compulsive over-eater?

D

Muscle Matters.

2010-05-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

I said I wouldn't have any more Diet Coke, so I'm drinking a Coke Zero. Go figure.

I lifted last night at the gym for the first time in months. It actually felt really good and I was feeling the burn. Tonight I intend to go back and do it again. I will lift different body parts of course, but I will lift again. Eventually I'd like to get the weights back to the mornings, when I used to lift. It's just a nice way to start out your morning- with a good energy boost. It's not too hard to do in the mornings cause you lift slow and you're not really doing any cardio (maybe 5 minutes to warm up), so it's an easy way to wake up. Then I go back in the afternoons about 3 times a week for 30 min of cardio or so. Or that's what my lifting program USED to look like. Right now it just consists of lifting for 30 minutes, and then doing 30 minutes of cardio right after. I don't feel super bad about this program right now because I read on someone's blog the other day that their trainer told them the best time to do cardio was either first thing in the morning, or right after lifting. Now, I know my original routine doesn't look like that, but that's ok with me; it worked for me so I don't care. Funny how changing things up can really make you feel refreshed and energized.

As some of you know (those who have read my blog for a while now), the skinniest I have ever gotten in my life involved a time when I was lifting weights heavily on a regular basis. I was on a routine and so I was lifting with a purpose, and I was lifting everyday except Sunday. I've been thinking about that time in my life a lot lately. I know lifting helps you get super lean and boosts your metabolism quite a bit, and I know it kind of whips me into shape quickly. One thing I hear repeatedly about lifting from girls is that their afraid to lift too heavy because they don't want to get bigger- I have to tell you from experience and from research (the little that I've done) that you will NOT get bigger. Or...let me take that back...you MAY get bigger for a few weeks, because your muscles will swell with water the first few weeks because they're freaking out and aren't sure what's going on, so they retain water while they try to repair themselves. But this water retention will go away. And then you will go back down. Women do not have enough testosterone in their bodies to actually get bigger permanently; like I said it's temporary in the beginning (so keep lifting anyway and power through those first few weeks. You'll see a drop in the water weight plus a dress size drop too). Think about it; even men have a hard time building muscle and they have way more testosterone than we have- why do you think so many of them use steroids to help them? Cause it's hard to build muscle mass- enough so you can see it anyway. :) I did this first hand- I can tell you that I actually kept getting smaller and smaller. Like I said, it was the one of the skinniest times I had as an adult and I loved it. I was lean, tan, and I could eat a lot more than most of my girlfriends because I was a calorie burning machine! BRING ON THE WEIGHTS. Bring them on heavy too- lifting something light does nothing for you. If you can do 20 reps or more easily, then the weight is too light. When I learned to lift- I would always do the first set as the hardest. That swells blood to the muscle right away so when you do the second and third sets, the muscle will burst (that's what you want to have happen). So the first set- you should only be able to lift 5-7 reps before you're completely fatigued. Then the second and third sets should be progressively lighter, but more reps. So maybe the first set should be 5 -7 reps; the second one should be 12-14 reps, and the last set should be light enough that you are totally wiped out by 17-20 reps. That way you're ensuring that you're killing the muscle; in turn it will take the next few days building itself back up, and while it's building, you're burning calories like a crazy. Oh, and ps- DON'T try to drink caffeine the next day like I'm doing now, cause it will dehydrate your muscles and give you wicked lactic acid. And you'll be oh so sore...

So tonight I'm on to lift again. Who's with me?

D

I will get to there.

2010-05-19T18:41:00.000-07:00

I'm still inspired of the pic of Jennifer Aniston.

Today I was just staring at it, fondly wondering what I can do to get a body like that...and I realized something. I CAN get a body like that. Several of you have commented that I can, and while I was in the shower this morning, I was giggling and commenting back to you what i would say if we were in real life- "girl please, I would need to lose 25-30 pounds to look like that...", "You're nuts" and things of this nature. But then I started thinking about it. I'm only 20 pounds away from the best body of my life. What's stopping me?

THEN I had another bloggy friend email me and we chatted about lifting weights. Turns out, she is my same height and weighs..wouldn't you know...20 pounds less than me (what are the odds?). Immediately I started pushing for answers- what was she doing? How did she get there? How long did it take? Turns out, she was once where I am at now. She stalled; but then she added in the weights and it forced her past the plateau to new ground. Now, I'm not saying I'm in a plateau. But's it definitely been awhile since I lifted. I quit lifting for several reasons- 1) Cardio helps you drop faster (or can) 2) Lifting makes me hungrier all day (cause you're boosting your metabolism...DUH! And I don't want to do that because...?) 3) It takes effort and a few days til I'm passed the sore phase...

The point is...who cares why I stopped? Now is the time to get back on it! When I'm lifting, I have less body fat over all. Right now I need that. Right now, I might weigh less, but I am very flabby and it's unattractive. Another bloggy friend and I have been going back and forth about why I won't wear a bikini, and this is why! I'm too 'soft'!! But I think I should change this...

So I'm headed out to the gym. Just thought I'd tell you guys what the new plan is. Thank you for reading, I enjoy our interactions very much. You all, my friends, are fabulous. And I love your spirit and your ability to lift me up when I'm dragging ass...

xoxoxo

D

It's on...

2010-05-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, I just got a little spark of motivation. I'm not into women, but this picture is HOTTTTTT and makes me want to work out so I can look like this. ;) (18 much?) I know the chances of me looking like this are slim to nil, but don't bust my bubble! If it makes me work out, I'll take it!

I did 30 minutes at the gym today, btw. No soda again. Caffeine headache is slowly starting to surface. FUN.

D

If you build it...

2010-05-18T18:03:00.000-07:00

I went to the gym yesterday and didn't have any caffeine. I went to bed on time. I'm on track to do the same again today. It's still hard right now because I'm trying to come back from a caffeine binge that lasted for about a month...but I don't expect to be over it in one day so it's all good. Just tired. I feel jet lagged- and yet I've never left. ;) Last night I got 9 hours of sleep and it is AMAZING how much better you feel when you're rested.

I want to be able to offer you guys something inspiring, but right now I don't have much. I'm still looking for "nuggets" to share- I'll let you know when I have something.

D

Committing again.

2010-05-17T22:26:00.000-07:00

I'm in hopes that the tides are turning.

Today a certain someone (blogger friend- you know who you are) challenged me to go to the gym, and for the first time in 3 weeks (longer if I really think about it), I actually took the challenge and went. It felt good. It was a short trip, but my iPod died and I had NOTHING to do while on the stairmaster. No music, no magazines, no tv- nothing, so I got bored and had to cut it short. It was still good to go today. I also had no soda for the first time in who knows how long. I've been downing Diet Coke because I've been so tired lately that caffeine seemed to be the only thing that has helped me get through the day. But even though I was exhausted yet again today (was up til 2:30 last night...took someone to the emergency room), I didn't drink any soda. I feel better. Not a LOT better, but better. It's 10:21 now and I'm planning on being in bed by 11 tonight. The goal this week is to be in bed by 11 every night this week. :) And no soda. :) And more gym. That's the most I can commit to right now.

I hope I am able to see at least SOMETHING on the scale this week because I am still very discouraged. Not to be a whiner, but it's so hard to turn things around when you don't feel like it matters anyway, you know? But I think if I could just see some kind of drop, I would be more encouraged to get back on the wagon and make this happen. I have to keep reminding myself, it's only 5 pounds. I'm not THAT far away from where I was...I'm acting like I gained back every pound I've ever lost plus some. But I can see it in my face and body, so I just keep wallowing in my fatness instead of trying to do something about it. So, we'll see. Like I said, the goals are to not drink soda, get my sleep (which will be huge for me), and go to the gym.

XO friends!

Sunday Funday.

2010-05-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

I've had a lot on my mind lately.

Mainly my thoughts have been about this blog. Yesterday I received a comment that really bothered me and which got me thinking about the purpose of this blog. When I originally created it, it was because I was beginning a weight loss journey and I was hoping that this would be a safe place where I could voice my concerns, my struggles, and celebrate my triumphs with people that understood the journey I was on. I was seeking friendship and occasionally advice on how to overcome hurdles and find success. I have always tried to offer supportive comments to my fellow bloggers and cheer them on their journeys because that's what I thought the purpose of these blogs were- for find friendship and support.

But as my life has changed and as my focus has changed, so have my posts. I started writing about things that didn't relate to weight loss because I was receiving so much advice and support in my weight loss struggle, that I started hoping I could receive the same type of advice and support for other aspects of my life- mainly dating. It's another realm that is blurry and difficult for me at times. I'm not always sure that what I'm doing is right, and I hoped that because most of my followers are honest and care about my best interests, that I could trust their comments to help me see clearly in the decisions I have been making in other areas. Your comments have been supportive and encouraging, and I thank all of you for that. Seriously, I am so grateful for every minute you have taken to either read my blog, or commented on my posts. Whether it was support, congratulations, or advice, I have loved all of it.

But when I received this particular comment yesterday- I started thinking. In "real life" I am a very private person, and part of the reason I am so private is because I don't like people judging me, or thinking that because I've chosen to share something with them, they are suddenly entitled to express their opinion of what I am doing, whether it's right or wrong. Sometimes their comments and opinions are helpful, and sometimes they are not. Either way, it's hard to always see that they are being supportive, even when they are doing their best to be so. Yesterday I felt that familiar feeling that someone else's opinion was more important than my learning experience. I did not feel that the comment was supportive or encouraging at all; which was hard for me because I have tried so hard to only be supportive in my comments on other blogs and I guess inherently expected other people to have the same courtesy on my blog- although I've never actually expressed that because I've never realized that that's how I felt. I merely was trying to state that I missed the feeling of having a real connection with someone- even if that person was someone from my past who was not the best fit for me. But here I am trying to defend my own comment on my own blog, which irritates me all over again.

The bottom line is I've decided to withdraw talking about anything on this blog besides weight loss again. I'm not even sure I'm going to keep the blog going at all, to be honest. It served it's purpose in my life and I have not been needing it as much as I have in the past- which I'm sure you can tell through my attitude of my posts lately. I'm a little hesitant to get rid of it all together, so obviously it is still serving some kind of purpose for me. But even if I do keep it, it will only be about weight loss, as it was originally created to be about. I'm just not in the mood for anything that is not positive or uplifting. I get judged enough in my real life, I don't need any more judgments on my blog, even if they are meant to be helpful.

As soon as I've made my decision as to what I'm going to do with this thing, I'll let you guys know, of course. Again, I am so thankful for every word that all of you have written on my blog and in my life. You have been huge in helping me grow and learn about weight loss and myself.

D

Nostalgic.

2010-05-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

Went to weigh-in this morning, proud to report I'm still a fat ass. Maintained the exact same weight this week as last week- no drop here. 5 freaking pounds! UGHHHHHH. No surprise either as I haven't been eating great and I haven't worked out. Does it help that I went to Outback last night and pounded steak before weigh in? Of course not, but did that stop me? Of course not.

Speaking of Outback, I had my date last night with Larry. Here's the rundown: He's super nice, good looking, and has his act together. Obvi all bonuses. He's a catch! He was so polite and did everything by the book as far as opening my door, paying, etc. He made me laughing within the first 5 minutes. He said nothing negative and found things to compliment me on, which is always WONDERFUL. I love a man that's hip to what he needs to do and brings his 'A game'. It took me a while to crack the exterior 'prim and proper' shell he had set up, but once we got passed all of the superficiality in the beginning, he really turned out to have a lot of substance and more depth than I anticipated, which was a nice surprise. He's very attractive: Blonde hair, blue eyes, athletic build (a little on the skinny side and a little short, but overall in great shape). He has a great job and owns a condo in Irvine (which is huge, since housing out here is so expensive no one ever buys at our age, so I was super impressed that not only does he have a condo, but he's had it for about 10 years now AND he has a great job). We had great conversation all night and never had lulls in the conversation. Like I said, took about an hour or so to push passed the initial layer, but once we got into more personal and specific topics and he started to relax a little, things were great. Overall I can't say one bad thing about it.

But when I got home I laid in my bed and started missing Marty. Of course it didn't help that Marty sent me a super sweet text yesterday- he does that occasionally when something reminds him of me. All of these dates are fun and I love keeping the energy up and dating lots of boys and having little late night rendezvous and all of it; but I'm not super interested in any of these guys and it makes me miss Marty, or the memory/fantasy of Marty sometimes. I'm sure you're thinking...what the...you just said all of these great things about this guy, why don't you like him? He sounds great! Of course he sounds great- they all do. I could give you a full download on how great Dan was too, or Allen, or Aaron, or Chuck (ok, made the last one up). I honestly don't think I'm still hung up on Marty, seriously I don't. I've never been happier to be broken up with someone, but finding a new person that you really connect with like the last one, or better, can be hard. I don't want to bag on Larry because he's a great guy, but I wasn't feeling "it" either. I have to keep looking; continue dating. I know one date shouldn't tell you all of this- I know what you're thinking- give it time. Eh...I'm done giving everything so much time. You know in the first 5 minutes of talking to someone whether you're attracted to them or not. Why should I keep pushing myself past that and giving every single guy I meet "more time"? It's not natural, is it? NR warned me this morning not to let the same mistakes that happened with Dan happen with Larry or I'm going to gain a reputation, and I know she's right. I have a hard time letting these guys know I'm not interested, because not only do I not want to hurt them, I want them to feel special because there are women out there who want them. And I enjoy the attention they give me! I love being treated so great- most of the men I've gone out with in the last few years have been super gems and have been so respectful and treated me so well. I just haven't connected with most of them they way I want to. I don't think it's a fantasy I'm shooting for either because I've had it; It's something I've felt before- Love. And I know I'll feel it again. In the meantime, I'm still going to have lots of fun. I'm still going to go on lots of dates and keep the momentum going.

Which also means I need to get my ass in gear and keep working out and get back on track because I'll tell you right now that the way I'm feeling lately is NOT in correspondence with all the work I've been doing for the previous months to get me to this point. But now I'm coming full circle. Time for a nap.

D