Monday, April 19, 2010

Hard core.

NR (New Roommate) said something tonight that has been lingering in my mind.

She said to me, "I think you're really hard on yourself, and people pick up on that.  They feel that energy and they tend to move away from that.  No one wants to feel that.. You need to relax and have a little fun."  

She meant it in an honest way, and in a frank-friend way, so I wasn't offended in the least.  NR and I have been friends for quite a while before she moved in here (I met her last year around this same time), so it's not like she just moved in 2 days ago and is already dishing out what she thinks.  But I've been thinking about it a lot.  Aaron is this way, and he drives me nuts sometimes.  He's so uptight and hard on himself...and I always have to think to myself, if he's this hard on himself, how hard would he be on me if we were dating??  He hung out with us a little tonight; we went up to LA to a dessert party and to be honest, I pretty much left him alone all night to talk to NR while I mingled with other guys.  It wasn't the best thing I could've done, but I'm also at a crossroads with him (like I was with Dan.  And yet, we see how far that got me).  But this post is not about him tonight.  (Nor, for the first time, is it about all the dessert I ate)

Anyway, so I've been thinking about this comment by NR.  I've been told many many times through out my life that I'm too hard on myself...but I don't know how to be any other way.  How do you lighten up?  How do you just stop being hard on yourself, especially when you don't feel like you really are hard?  Or...maybe you start to realize that people are right, but how do you change it?  I feel like in the last few months I've learned to forgive myself more for my eating "mishaps" but I'm still not sure if all of the forgiving I've done is any good for me.  Am I actually losing weight?  Not lately.  On the other hand, it takes so much energy to be critical of yourself so much.  I don't want to keep wasting energy being so hardcore...especially if others can feel it.  I feel better about all of the forgiveness...and yet...I'm still being too hard on myself (according to others).  Even on this blog, I tend to get a lot of comments that are along the lines of, "Just relax and give yourself a break and get back on track and everything will work out."  Which I love...again, I'm just observing...or putting all of this together.  

There really isn't anything new to say or any resolve to this just happens to be what I'm mulling over tonight.  NR moved in 2 days ago and already my life is feeling dramatically different.  She has opened my eyes to a lot of things...from changing my make up, to focusing on what I really want, to internal analysis of self.  

More later, I just wanted to get this out there.  I have to go to bed so I can get up for work tomorrow.  

Do you guys think I'm too hard on myself?  Honestly? You don't have to say if it makes you uncomfortable, just curious as to other people's thoughts...

Thanks friends!



  1. I've only started reading your blog, so I can't make any sort of judgement. I can tell you that we are often hardest on ourselves and as women, REALLY hard on ourselves. I am in agreement with NR on the others can sense these things comment. I have friends and acquaintances who I know I don't like being around when they are acting very 'whoa is me'. Maybe when you get to that point, ask yourself if you'd want to hang around with someone who was like that all the time. This may subconsciously start to steer you in a more positive direction.

  2. you've got to find the positives and move with them. The more positives that you find the more positive that you feel. keep it up.

  3. Hmmm. It's hard to judge from a blog, Diz. I mean that is where you are supposed to dump. It doesn't mean that you feel like that about yourself on a continual basis.

    Having said that, sometimes you are too hard on yourself in your posts. Again, tho, it's the emotion of the moment--so it's okay. sigh.

    I know what you mean about the forgiveness thing, tho. Binging on tons of food is NOT okay and to treat it caually would--well--it would allow you to fool yourself, which would cost you on the scale.

    But, here's the thing, forgiveness isn't really excusing poor behavior nor is it treating it casually. It's more like saying "Okay, did that; it was bad for me; I deserve better treatment from myself. Beating myself up won't help, tho, so I'm going to be kind to myself, determine how I can do better and move on."

    Of course, you do realize that I am a bad one to share my opinion on the. chuckle.

    Interestingly (or not) I'm working on a post that includes some of this. It will be called "Project Girl Is Back!"

    I've been praying for you re: the apt. :D


  4. Sometimes Diz I feel that you only half heartidly forgive yourself. And I do too! But when you had that great week you were on top of the world not so much because you were eating great and excersizing but you actually were proud of yourself and your accomplishments. I just think you have to keep reminding yourself that you are amazing. And ALL the amazing strides you made! Thats what I wish for you that you can see how amazing you are and let that be your light for a bit as opposed to the what I should be, what ifs, and stuf.....much love Diz

  5. Diz - sorry my comment is late but YES - I'm not going to sugarcoat it - you are too hard on yourself. But I feel I have the right to say this cuz I am that way with myself - ha! Actually - it's your call - you know your standards and how you feel but if you're questioning that then maybe it's time to dig deep and question those standards and the credit you give yourself. I understand though -I hold myself to standards I wouldn't hold the Pope too and that's crazy - almost egotistical right? I mean who am I to think I can be perfect and do the best every day - that's arrogance at it's best. I don't expect that from anyone else - what makes me so special? And when I don't meet those standards - it's devastation and failure. When someone I love doesn't meet a goal - do I yell at them, tell them they suck or they have failed? Nope - never - I tell them they did great, look at their accomplishments and keep going. Why am I not good enough to deserve that kind of treatment from myself when I fall short of a goal? I don't know - I'm with you though - and trying to change....because you know what? Being hard on myself hasn't really given me the results I think it should have. It's not really working out so I might as well try the opposite and see what happens then you know? You'll figure it out. Hang in there. And keep writing - that'll help.