Monday, October 11, 2010

The End.

Why must all good things come to an end?

I've been thinking for some time now about shutting down my blog.  Weeks have turned into months and I've still avoided the topic because this blog has really helped me in so many ways and really meant so much to me.  All weekend I've mentally written this post over and over- but couldn't really bring myself to write it out.  Now it's Monday morning and I'm still here....trying to write it.  

I think it's time for me to end this blog- Death by Calories.

I've loved this blog and we've had good times.  The thing is- now that all I write about is weight loss only- there isn't much else to say.  Yes, I can continue to write endless blogs about how I'm struggling everyday- but that's not new and that will never end.  How many more ways can I say it and keep people interested? 

One of my favorite blog friends has been helping me make this decision and I'm so thankful for her help and her advise through this tough time.  She gave me the courage to finally just do it- and she knows who she is- Thank you.   I think you're wonderful and I couldn't have done this without you. 

For those of you who really want to stay in touch and really want to know what's going on in my life- please email me at and I will update you on what's going on in my life.  I do not intend to just disappear into an oblivion where no one sees or hears from me again- I'm just going to end this blog and take a little break from writing for now. 

Thank you to every friend who has ever written a comment on my blog.  You have supported me through thick and thin.  You have been my beam of light when I was in a dark place.  You gave me hope to keep trying- and I am so grateful.  


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Weighed in.

Every time...

Every time I think I'm doing so good (like today- I weighed in at 142.6), I have to go and sabotage myself.  

But before I complain about how badly I sabotaged myself- let me start out by giving myself a HOORAY!  Woot woot!  I lost 4 pounds this week! I rock! I'm amazing!  I got "angry", as my dear Drazil would say.  And it paid off. 

And then I had to 'celebrate'.  

Today started out awesome enough- the rain was really coming down this morning so I went to the gym to do 55 minutes on the stairmaster.  I kicked trash!  I was dripping sweat like no one's business.  I seriously was killing it and it felt GREAT.

The problem is, my roommate has me addicted to these Salted Caramel Hot Chocolates from Starbucks so after the intense workout (in the am), I felt I needed a starbucks on my way to work.  Now, I've been doing so good on cutting back on the diet soda's; now is NOT the time to substitute sugary, heavy hot chocolate for diet soda.  However, it's the 2nd one I've had in less than 24 hours.  But I logged the points and went on with my day.

The rest of the day was shaping up awesome when I got a text from someone to meet up for thai- there is a new place we've  been talking about trying and it was time.  Um....

Thai food is apparently crack to me.

I inhaled everything in sight- and after 2 or 3 hours, am laying in my bed with shooting stomach pains (from the fullness).  When will I learn?  When am I finally going to say to myself- wait...last time this hurt to eat this much- I should stop now...

I will admit, there were a few times in the night I tried to put my chopsticks down and drink a little water.  I would think- I'm full, I need to stop.  Did I? No.  Of course I didn't or I wouldn't be writing this post.  I thought when we left that it wasn't THAT bad (the pain).  It's only now, as I lay in my bed with a full stomach and that sickly feeling, that I realize the errors of my ways.  You can't eat this much this late at night.  My body just isn't the just doesn't feel good.  I don't know how, for so many years, I would pound 1/2 pound cheeseburgers and fries at 2 am during my twenties.  What the...?  How did I LIVE to make it to my 30's?

Anyway- I'm sure it'll take me a few days to work this all back off- and that's okay.  As long as I can be good through the weekend and get back out on the pavement- I'll live.  I just hope this rain let's up so I can get back to the beach...I'm starting to miss it...



Tuesday, October 5, 2010

It's Fall!

Sometimes you just have to take a night off.

I had no intentions of taking this night off- in goal was to run 8 miles.  Instead- I come home to roomie surprising me with hot chocolate, movies from Red Box, and this:

How can I possibly say no?

Just so you know, we're watching a ridiculous movie right now...and my hot chocolate is gone.  So are the 8 miles...for this night.  Sigh...maybe tomorrow, right?

Monday, October 4, 2010

I ran to Hell and back.

I did it!

I got off my ass and went outside and went for that run I was dreading...and I'm so glad I did.  I feel soooooo much better.  It started out kind of shaky...About 2 miles in my uterus was RAGING and I almost threw up.  Seriously- I hardly every have to stop and walk because of cramps.  It's not even TOM, but it IS around the corner (week before).  My mouth was salivating and my breathe was shallow (because really I was heaving)...and I was irate.  I kept trying to push through it.  I just kept thinking- first a trip home, then I was sick...I'm NOT going to let cramps stop me now!  But unfortunately they did stop me for a little while. I had to walk and eventually stop and watch the ocean for a minute while I tried not to throw up.  The good news is- I was out in the middle of no where so I had no choice but to keep running, and turn around and run back home.  I was ALMOST to my 2.5 mile turn around spot when I finally gave in and turned around.  But then something interesting the time I jogged back to my street, I was feeling awesome and decided to keep going.  I passed my street and kept going and let me tell you- it felt amazing!  I ran fast and hard.  My breath was on point, my body was on point- everything was working so great and I was so happy.  I was LOVING that run!

And now I'm home.  I just used to log my distance because I went a different route than normal (I passed my street, kept going all the way to Main Street downtown, then looped back around and came home), but the map says I only ran 5.5 miles.  I'm having a seriously hard time believing that's only how far I went; so I'm going to go log it in my car to make sure.  ;)

Yay me!

While running, I was thinking about this little tantrum of mine.  I started thinking about another bloggers blog today and how hard she is working to get the last 5 pounds off.  And how hard I've been fighting...for get these last 10 pounds off.  It has been the fight of my life- and sometimes it pisses me off.  Sometimes I get really close.  Sometimes I am seriously motivated.  And sometimes I get discouraged.  But other times, like tonight, I push through and then I'm so proud of myself and elated.  Sometimes I amaze myself and I'm so proud of myself.  Sometimes I'm on point and so close to goal I can actually see it.  :)

This is it folks- this is our lives.  Every day we get up and we fight the same struggle.  We have to make choices everyday;  Every day we're either going to eat well or not;  we're going to either work out or we're going to lay on the couch and gorge on muffins.  We think it's not a big deal- tomorrow we'll have to make the same choices again.  Most of the time it's not a big deal.  But then again- it becomes a big deal because over time- those choices add up and we're either happy with our progress or we're miserable because we're not making progress (or we're sliding backwards).  So while every choice may seem small and insignificant- think about it.  It may just be breakfast today- or a treat at work...but it either adds upon what you did yesterday- or it will take away from what you're trying to accomplish.  Every choice.

That's all of my speech tonight- I'm going to go track that mileage!




I'm really unsettled right now.  So much has happened- and so much has yet to happen.  I just need to go to the gym and I'm struggling. I DON'T WANT TO.  It's cold outside and rainy and the roomie and I have been talking about watching movies and starting a little fire in the fireplace for the last 2 hours.

I ran 6 miles on Saturday and it felt amazing.  I need to do it again today. I don't want to do it again today.  I want to eat pumpkin/chocolate chip muffins dipped in hot chocolate while snuggled in a blanket on the couch.  Add some whipped cream to that please.  Today was such a hard day at work- I know I NEED to go workout; but I just don't want to.  Or maybe I need a warm blueberry muffin with melted butter all over it.  MMMMMM....

I miss my family.  I wish I lived closer to them.

I guess I have to go.  It's raining and cold outside.  I might not make it.  Pray for me that I do. Ragnar is 2 weeks away and I can't put off running any longer.  I'm supposed to meet with my friend for Crossfit tomorrow morning at 7 am.  I'm not in the mood for this. ANY of it.  I ate horribly today and have that mentality of 'who cares anyway I already blew it'.




Thursday, September 30, 2010

2.5 pounds

I'm having a hard time not being depressed today.

For one- I'm sicker than a dog.  My little crossfit trainer/friend said yesterday that if I didn't have a fever, and if I didn't have body aches- that a little cardio might help me get better faster because things are moving around when you're moving around, and you might be able to get better quicker.  So I went for a 5 mile run.  I'm not sure if I had a fever and didn't know it or what- but after the run I was sweating like I have never sweat before.  Literally 2 pounds of water...GONE.  I was so hot- I was convinced it was at least 105 or hotter outside so when I checked online to see how hot it was...turns out it was only 81 degrees.  And then I started feeling like CRAP!  Crap crap crap.

Right now I'm somewhat okay.  I took some sudafed this morning and squirted some flo-nase up my nose a few minutes ago.  I'm just kind of discouraged because I really want to work out.  I feel so fat after my trip home.  I was telling my roommate today that I don't understand it because it's literally a 2.5 pound difference- but that 2.5 pounds must be my "breaking point" or something, because those 2.5 pounds literally make me feel obese...and when I lose them I am so much happier.  Only 2.5 pounds!  I know I sound completely wacko- trust me, I know.  But seriously- people have been coming up to me in the last few weeks (before I went home) and asking me how much weight I've lost (several people)- and it was only that 2.5 pounds!  My mom and sister both commented on how much thinner my face looked when I got home. 2.5 pounds.  I don't get it.  My roommate pointed out that part of what it could be is that it seems the 2.5 pounds seems to come out of my face- so I notice it.  She noticed it (that it comes out of my face)- that's why she said that.  Others notice it.  I don't know what it is- but I am really feeling discouraged right now because that 2.5 pounds is here and I'm too sick to try to get rid of them.  :(

Plus I'm sick.  I don't like being sick.  :(

I'm over it!


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

If I can do it, you can too...

Yes, I'm posting very quickly- for the second time today.

I just want you guys to know, that despite my sickness, and despite the death heat that is here plaguing So Cal, I ran 5 miles.  I am going to go die now.  I am literally dripping sweat all over everything; but I did it!  I ran 5 miles in the hottest part of the day.

Now I am going to go take my cold shower and try not to die. :)