Saturday, September 19, 2009

And the war has been raging on...

I have several things I want to blog about, so this first entry might be the longest in the history of first blog entries. I'll skip the intro just because I feel like I can put that in the "about me" section. Let's get straight to the good stuff...the Boy and the Body.

Here's my first story:

I'm somewhat dating a guy right now and because I've gained weight, I'm super self conscious everytime he touches me. He didn't know me in my thin/in shape days; we've only started dating in Feb and it's been on and off because I'm not sure how I feel about him. Anyway, I've lost a few pounds since what I call "the Big Gain of '08", but it's not enough to put me back into a comfortable place. Infact, I've lost about 7 pounds as of this morning. Yesterday it was 9, today I'm back to 7. But anyway, back to the boy...

So the other night we were laying on my bed and he was kissing me and he naturally put his arm around me to pull me closer and in the process he put his hand on my back and a little alert went off in my head..."touching back fat! Touching my back fat!". I started squirming and obviously checked out of the make out to think about my back and it's fatness. This is the first guy I've really dated since the "Big Gain"...I've gone out with a few other guys a few times but nothing has panned out and I'm starting to wonder if it's because I've mentally closed myself off due to my self-consciousness. Clearly even with this guy, I'm having a hard time being present and being open to it (I seriously think it's because of my self-consciousness). Anyway, I've thought about that moment several times since then; it's the first time a guy has touched me since I've put on the pounds. Why does him touching my back fat seem more important to me than him kissing me and showing me affection? And why am I so obsessed with it? I was never this way until now...

These little 'situations' I have with myself bug me. They are all internal; in fact, this blog and this story is the first time I've admitted that this kind of thing happens. My problem seems to be figuring out if other people are this way too or if I'm unnaturally obsessed. This whole journey with my body and my weight gains and losses has been intriguing and brutal all at the same time and I hope that by creating this blog and typing it out, I can try to look at it things more objectively. Maybe I can't, we'll have to see. I know there are a million blogs out there about weight loss but this is my chance to tell my feelings, my welcome to my blog. You may or may not enjoy it, but I hope you keep reading. I hope I keep writing. Right now the main focus of my blog is to help me let go of the anger I've built up and housed towards myself and move on with my life so I can lose this weight and get back to a normal life.

So this is the beginning. It's not the beginning of the weight loss journey- that's been an on going effort for awhile now (like I said, over a year for sure). But I've been following some other people's blogs and I've decided to give the blogging part of things a try this is the beginning of documenting my personal battle with my bulge. I'm hoping that somehow typing it all out will help me properly analyze my emotions instead of eat them. So 2 o'clock del taco runs will happen less frequently and out door runs on the beach will happen more frequently.

My body is one of my obsessions- I want to feel beautiful again. It's been over a year since I've felt sexy and attractive and feminine and beautiful. I want to be happy with my body again, and apparently I want you to experience the journey back with me.

Thank you for reading.

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