Sunday, February 7, 2010

OK my palms are starting to sweat...

I'm embarrassed to admit it- I still haven't gotten a grip on my eating situation. I haven't worked out since the run on Wed after Fuddruckers. Marty even called me on Friday to meet him at the gym, and when I got there, I just followed him around and didn't do anything. He even tried to get me to walk on the treadmill next to him and I set it on such a low pace that I didn't even get warm, let alone break a sweat. I basically took a leisurely stroll on the treadmill next to him while he huffed and puffed and sweat it out. He told me that the next day one of his volleyball buddies asked him who the girl was with him in the gym, and I got super embarrassed. Embarrassed because I just looked like his groupie! All I did was follow him around and talk to him while he worked out! I didn't even wear workout clothes to the gym. WHAAAAAAAT...

Last night after sushi with friends, I went on a hunt to find myself. Yeah, it's true. My friends went bowling, but I didn't want to bowl, I wanted treats. In the middle of the whole hunt, Marty called and told me he had snickerdoodles that someone made for him that he wanted me to try. Nevermind that ANOTHER WOMAN made him treats, I beelined straight to meet him.

This morning, as every other morning, I've woken up with a resolve to make a change. And like every other day this week, I've crashed and burned before the day has even really begun. It's this insatiable hunger for treats. I'm not really sure what set it off, but I can't seem to get it under control. Throw a little bit of depression and guilt in the mix and it's the perfect formula for a massive bomb. Why massive? Because everyday you think, I'll get it under control tomorrow. Soon, it's been a week. Left unchecked, it becomes a month. One day you realize you've gained all the weight back plus some...

I think until I actually see the numbers on the scale tomorrow, "Diz on a rampage" will continue to be on hiatus. Hopefully the numbers jar me back into reality. I know I've gained something, my scale tells me so. How much, I'm not sure, because my scale tends to differ sometimes from the scale at WW, and it's not consistent enough for me to be able figure out how much that difference is.

Anyway, there's the truth. The thing is, it's not the whole truth (this may be the longest post afterall...sorry). I have a few more things I want to say, and it's my blog, so I'm doing it. The things I want to discuss pertain more to my private life and less of my weight loss life, but to me, all things are inter-related and... I'm not trying to make excuses as much as I want to make resolutions. First of all, I'm watching The Holiday (and eating pizza), and this movie is reminding me of those things. Part of getting "back on the wagon" for me is not just getting back on the weight loss wagon, but also on the, "I want to respect myself more and have others respect me too" wagon as well. Let me see if I can explain this: Remember when Jasper calls Iris in LA, and he just calls because he wants her to edit his book for him? He starts out by telling her about this time that they were on the beach and she had on the little red bikini, and he breaks down her defenses. (Jasper is the one she's in love with in England and why she wanted to do the house switch with Cameron Diaz's character in the first place- remember he gets engaged to some other lady? Yeah) He uses the fact that she likes him to get what he wants out of it. Eventually Iris has to learn to stand up for herself. For me, losing weight and getting myself back in shape is part of this process of learning to stand up for myself as well. As I lose weight, my confidence increases. And as my confidence in myself increases, I remember that I deserve to be treated a certain way. So yes, I'm going to face the piper tomorrow (the scale) and start atoning for my eating sins this week. But I'm also going to quit doing things that are a waste of my time. Or hanging out with people that are a waste of my time. No more schmucks!!! :) But alas, this is a weight loss blog, and I don't want to wander off into strange and unknown territories. If you're still reading, thank you for letting me do a side rant for a minute. But like I said, they're all inter-related- I truly believe this. If I can have enough self respect to bust my ass to get it back in shape and sexy, I can also have enough self respect to find quality people in my life. Ok, rant done.

Although I'm dreading it more than anything, I have to go weigh in if I'm to ever get myself back under control again and past this. Wish me luck.



  1. i lol'ed @ the gym groupie comment and then about following the dude for (some other chick's) cookies!! i know how you feel, believe me. i am so ravenous for sweets i do the most unreal things, with guilt and depression going hand-in-hand

    and it's so true about a day turning into a week, then a month, and then all the weight back (plus more).

    but i am glad you're not leaving it unchecked and are facing the scale! fear of the scale was my problem for so long. of course, i didn't want to see the number go up, so i settled for waiting till the number was ASTRONOMICAL before hopping on!!

    here's to you! go and get the job done!

  2. Hey, Diz. Sorry I missed your last several posts. I've been out of power since Friday and just got it back on today. I've read thru them, tho. Looks like you've had a rugged time.

    Must say I was a little concerned when a certain name began to reappear. I hoped for the best--but, it doesn't sound like the best is happening.

    I've had a couple bad food days (although otherwise nice) days. The combination of no power, 2 feet of snow and our 39th wedding anniversry was enough to derail my own eating.

    Let's BOTH go with: "TOMORROW is our day to regroup and push on to Thin!" Wahoo!

    Love ya, Diz.


  3. P.S. Diz,

    This is NOT a weight-loss blog.

    This is your blog. You can write whatever you wish.

    It is your blog, your rules, your thoughts, your subject choices--yours. You do not have to conform to any one else's idea of what gets written here. It is YOURS to control.

    There are so few things over which we have complete authority; our blogs are one of those few things. Just sayin' :}


  4. Love love love the Holiday reference! I have seen that movie a hundred times or more.. lol Also, I think you can't truely address weight loss challenges unless you address all the other "unrelated" (but secretly related)challenges you deal with in your everyday life. Rant on girl!!