Last night after sushi with friends, I went on a hunt to find dessert...by myself. Yeah, it's true. My friends went bowling, but I didn't want to bowl, I wanted treats. In the middle of the whole hunt, Marty called and told me he had snickerdoodles that someone made for him that he wanted me to try. Nevermind that ANOTHER WOMAN made him treats, I beelined straight to meet him.
This morning, as every other morning, I've woken up with a resolve to make a change. And like every other day this week, I've crashed and burned before the day has even really begun. It's this insatiable hunger for treats. I'm not really sure what set it off, but I can't seem to get it under control. Throw a little bit of depression and guilt in the mix and it's the perfect formula for a massive bomb. Why massive? Because everyday you think, I'll get it under control tomorrow. Soon, it's been a week. Left unchecked, it becomes a month. One day you realize you've gained all the weight back plus some...
I think until I actually see the numbers on the scale tomorrow, "Diz on a rampage" will continue to be on hiatus. Hopefully the numbers jar me back into reality. I know I've gained something, my scale tells me so. How much, I'm not sure, because my scale tends to differ sometimes from the scale at WW, and it's not consistent enough for me to be able figure out how much that difference is.
Anyway, there's the truth. The thing is, it's not the whole truth (this may be the longest post afterall...sorry). I have a few more things I want to say, and it's my blog, so I'm doing it. The things I want to discuss pertain more to my private life and less of my weight loss life, but to me, all things are inter-related and... I'm not trying to make excuses as much as I want to make resolutions. First of all, I'm watching The Holiday (and eating pizza), and this movie is reminding me of those things. Part of getting "back on the wagon" for me is not just getting back on the weight loss wagon, but also on the, "I want to respect myself more and have others respect me too" wagon as well. Let me see if I can explain this: Remember when Jasper calls Iris in LA, and he just calls because he wants her to edit his book for him? He starts out by telling her about this time that they were on the beach and she had on the little red bikini, and he breaks down her defenses. (Jasper is the one she's in love with in England and why she wanted to do the house switch with Cameron Diaz's character in the first place- remember he gets engaged to some other lady? Yeah) He uses the fact that she likes him to get what he wants out of it. Eventually Iris has to learn to stand up for herself. For me, losing weight and getting myself back in shape is part of this process of learning to stand up for myself as well. As I lose weight, my confidence increases. And as my confidence in myself increases, I remember that I deserve to be treated a certain way. So yes, I'm going to face the piper tomorrow (the scale) and start atoning for my eating sins this week. But I'm also going to quit doing things that are a waste of my time. Or hanging out with people that are a waste of my time. No more schmucks!!! :) But alas, this is a weight loss blog, and I don't want to wander off into strange and unknown territories. If you're still reading, thank you for letting me do a side rant for a minute. But like I said, they're all inter-related- I truly believe this. If I can have enough self respect to bust my ass to get it back in shape and sexy, I can also have enough self respect to find quality people in my life. Ok, rant done.
Although I'm dreading it more than anything, I have to go weigh in if I'm to ever get myself back under control again and past this. Wish me luck.