***Warning: Lengthy post. Sorry. You know how I get sometimes. :)
I don't know if you know what I'm talking about when I say this, but lately, as I near approach of my "previous" weight (before I moved to CA...135 lbs)...I've started to notice certain walls that I've set up in my mind. Let me explain.
I currently weigh 143. There was a time when I was living in Salt Lake (4 years to be exact) that I weighed 143. I couldn't get below. There were several times while weighing 143, that 143 didn't bother me at all. Then there were times that I hated it and wanted more gone. It was my body's set weight and on most days it was fine, because previous to 143, it was 153 (Tulsa). So a sudden 10 pound drop one day when I wasn't even trying was welcomed and not really questioned. I could eat whatever, or workout like a Haas; nothing ever changed that number (as had been the case at 153). I would diet like a maniac. I would run miles and miles. Nothing. Ever. Changed. I accepted my fate and lived a normal life.
Then I got a new job with the BBB (Body Builder Boss). By day he was the VP of Marketing; by night, he slaved in the gym. Long story short: One day, while complaining about weight loss woes, he said, "Think about it Diz, body builders have to get their bodies down to 2% body fat sometimes and below in competitions...who knows dieting better than a body builder? No one. They invented it." And he built me a weight loss/body building program. I dropped to 135 and was on my way to 125 before I moved and fluctuated yet again.
Fast forward to today: I now sit at 143 again. A very familiar weight for me; not one I particularly enjoy anymore, especially now that I've seen 135. I admit, it's somewhat comfortable. It's easy to maintain. I know this weight. I have moments where I am cute and trim. But mostly I have more moments where I change outfits 15 times in order to find something that's more slimming, all the while cussing my hips out under my breath and swearing revenge on them tomorrow.
All week, my mind has been full of different thoughts and uncertainties regarding this weight, because the truth is, I've been hovering this weight for a few weeks now. Yes, I was 143.8 only 2 weeks ago. Then I went up last week. Then I came back down. Still have yet to pass the 143 mark. I know it's still early so I haven't said anything. But of course, my mind has started to revert back to the old days and all of my old struggles. Will I go down and then back up again? What is going to happen this time? (It's a never ending sea of questions from here on out...be warned)...Will I be able to get past this weight easily or will I stall for years on end? Didn't I just plateau at 152 not so long ago, like last time? But I got past it, is it because my body is more used to 143? Or is it...Can you plateau again within 10 pounds? It's only been a few weeks, should I really think about this now or should I wait until weigh in on Saturday? Speaking of weigh in...Have I really been good enough this week for an honest drop? I wonder, how much do my thoughts actually affect my ability to lose weight? Do I have any more Popsicles in the fridge while I contemplate my weight-loss universe?
The questions never seem to end.
I had a friend point out to me once that I talk myself in circles. It's true. I do. I just find it interesting that as I start to approach these old familiar weights, old familiar insecurities are starting to come back. I've lost about 18 pounds since I started this journey in August and I'm questioning my abilities to be successful from here on out. I WANT to lose more, but will I really be able to, if I doubt myself? I guess only time will tell.