Yes, it's 12:25 am and I'm just now getting around to my post. It's 12:25 am and I've not had enough sleep for the last 2 days; and day 3 is well on it's way. I will be up at 7:45 to go weigh in. Then I will come home and crash, until 10, when I will give a client a massage. Then I will go get my hair done (adding highlights) and then I will meet a student for an interview for work. Afterwards I will head to my dear friend's wedding, only to come home and probably crash again. Then I will rise and make my chicken delicious-ness, and I will be relaxed, cause death weigh in will be over.
And my hour of "hiatus" will be over. It ends tonight. I have taken the week off, yet again. Because weight loss is hard to me. However, I had 2 epiphanies about this realization this week.
#1) I learned something about myself this week. While telling my mother about the "break" from dieting because it's just so hard, I realized that I take many "breaks" in a lot of areas of my life. If work gets hard, I take a break. in the middle of a long day- extra long break. If a relationship gets intense, I find it good to go home for a few hours and take a break. Sometimes these relationship breaks can become permanent. I've also been known to take breaks in relationships for up to a week or longer at a time while trying to figure out how I feel. Not uncommon for me. Shopping? Always looking for a break to go have a snack. Saving money? After a month I need a break to buy some things. Saving is hard! Even when writing my blog, sometimes you'll see there are days I don't write, cause I'm "breaking". Or when I hang out with certain people too much, I need down time. Every once in a while you'll hear that I'm "taking a break" from food. I know, it's unbelievable, but true. Never more than once a month, but I do try to give my body little breaks. In my workouts: breaks. From my workouts: breaks. The point? Breaks happen regularly in my life. This may sound strange or odd to you. It definitely does to me, yet on the other hand it seems to be what I do. I have found that usually when I take a break, I come back stronger and more determined. If I am pushed to ignore my break and continue I usually become very childish and have frequent break downs. I get tired and I can't cope well. So I love my breaks. I will continue to take them for whatever I think I need one for.
#2) I (we) am doing something really hard. If losing weight were easy, everyone would do it and everyone would be skinny. But interestingly enough, it's not 'easy'. Many people fail at it. Many people we know fail at it. We all know someone (or maybe we've done this ourselves, esp me) who is constantly on a diet, and constantly not getting thinner. I've failed at it a million times in my life. However, I am not failing lately. When I think about "failing at it a million times", I think about entrepreneurs. They have to take big risks in business ventures sometimes, and you always hear that they may have to fail many times before they succeed and make it rich. Same with weight loss, right? We may have to try it a few times before we figure out what works best for our bodies. We're LEARNING about ourselves and what works for us, and what doesn't. I may not be losing as fast as I'd like, but I'm also not gaining (at least not in this moment, tomorrow's weigh in might tell a different story). I will continue on my journey. And continue to do something really hard, yet really rewarding for myself. I will succeed and that is exciting to me. WE CAN DO THIS.
So yeah, I'm learning about myself and how I, DIZ, lose weight. I'm not fast. I'm not steadily losing. But I'm becoming consistent. I'm making permanent changes in my life. In the end I will get the job done. And that is all that matters to me. Currently I fit comfortably into my old jeans again. I tried them on yesterday and they're a little snug, but I haven't been able to wear them for a year and a half! And they fit! So I am very pleased with myself. And I will continue until I get to goal. I'm letting myself off the hook again. I'm finding it very enjoyable to either give myself a forgiveness star or let myself off the hook these days- you should try it sometime.
One of my best resolutions of my life this year? To really let go of all of my preconceived notions about myself and where I "should" be, vs where I am and where I want to go. I am going to become the happiest woman I know. Because I am freeing myself of all of my own expectations and allowing myself to learn. And in turn, I will be able to better cater to myself (and others), because I will better understand what I need and what I need to do to help myself succeed (I know...a lot of I, I, I's). But in my defense, I think you really have to know yourself and what you can do, know what your limitations are, know where your weaknesses are and your strengths lie, before you can really set out to do anything, or even help yourself or anyone else. So yes, it's selfish time for me right now, and that's ok. I don't have anyone else to take care of at the moment, so I will take better care of me.
But now it's getting late and I'm rambling and not sure i'm making sense anymore. I have weigh in in a few short hours, and I need the rest or I will be puffy. And no one wants to be puffy at weigh in.