Well, in times past, when I came home, I've felt refreshed, rejuvenated, and clear minded. But this time home...not quite the same.
For one, it's FREEZING here. It's been snowing all day. I brought a light hoodie for the plane ride...can we say I under estimated the weather? It's 80 degrees in CA! Practically summer! I've been running everyday on the beach! Running in my hoodie and running shoes into Wal Mart with my mom and sister (my sister gave me a jacket- thank heavens) killed me today! I was cussing out loud! :) I'm glad I'm soft and I love where I live.
For another, a main issue in my life has resurfaced as I've been inside all day, trying to keep warm. The main issue that has been staring me in the face for the last year (or at least with in the last year, I've started to admit it's there and not going away). What do I want to do with my life? I HATE this question. It haunts me. I'm no closer to answering this question than I've ever been. As I've spent time with my family, the only thing that has become more apparent to me is that I want more. It's not that I'm ungrateful with what I have- quite the opposite. As I've started to realize over the last few months that I'm blessed beyond measure, and that I CAN make the dream life out of my life that I want, I've only begun to acknowledge and contemplate this question. What do I want to do? I still don't know. At 32 freaking years old, I still don't know. I like my job- quite a bit actually. I love where I live. And yet there is still a feeling inside of me that I am meant to do more with myself than what I am doing. I am meant to be bigger, and be more... does this make sense? Do any of you ever feel this way? I know some people do, because occasionally we have this conversation. But I don't know what my destiny is. And I have really come to believe over the last year that if you don't plan, well you just might not get there...or if you do, you got lucky. Who wants to base their life off of luck. Are you confused yet? Let me draw a quick analogy for you.
This was said last week in church, and it gave me quite a bit to think about. Let's say there are two teams who are going to run a marathon. Now, the first team is told to "run as fast as they can". The second team is told that they have to run the marathon in a certain amount of time. Which team runs faster? It ends up being the second team. Why? Because the second team knows the number, the "goal" time they have to beat, so they can train and prepare to run the race faster than that time. The first team might "run as fast as they can", but do you see how it's not as beneficial for them? They have no goal to push them past their fastest time. So they can't progress as much as the second team can. This is how I feel about my life. I feel like I'm telling myself to run as fast as I can, but in the meantime, I've realized I need a goal time to help me. The problem is, I don't know what that goal is. Some people just know. They know what they're supposed to do or who they're supposed to be. I don't. And it's really, really frustrating.
I hope you don't think I'm whining again. I'm not trying to be conceited either. I believe everyone has a destiny that's bigger than they realize. Some of us don't need to "realize" it. I apparently needed to. Seriously, I'm just thinking outloud about my life. I blame part (if not most of this) on being single. If I were married, may be I would be figuring out my life with someone else, and it would be easier. Or maybe my life would just take a direction and I would be trying to keep up with it. Unfortunately for me, that is not the case and I'm still trying to figure out which way to go. If there is anything I've realized since the Whiny Whiny Diz post, it's that even though I get frustrated sometimes, I am NOT quitting. I do get frustrated sometimes, we all do. But about half a day after I wrote that, I decided I can have a positive attitude and I turned my attitude around. I realized I don't need to give up! None of you do! I know I can be impatient, but I'm working on that.
I will get there. :)
Ok friends, love ya!