Today I ran into Marty for the first time in ages. I was at church and when I rounded the corner, he came around the corner at the other end of the hall and immediately my stomach just dropped to my toes and I couldn't breathe. We made eye contact and he smiled at me and instantaneously all of the anger I've been harboring for the last month just dissipated on the spot. He walked up to me and we exchanged hellos and he pulled me into a huge hug and kissed my forehead and said, "It's so good to see you, you look great. No, seriously D, you look so good. You look great. " He just kept repeating it and smiling and for a second, he was Edward from Twilight...just dazzling me.
We chatted for a few short minutes and then I left and went straight home. All day I was thinking about him- missing him and thinking about his smile and just how good it was to see him again. It was so weird; it had been so long and yet he was the exact same. It was as if nothing had changed, and yet everything was different. Immediately I realized that Aaron, Dan...no one can really compare. But then I got on the phone with my mom and when she asked me what I thought was going to happen, and what I wanted, I told her, "well, the truth is mom, I have never been happier than I have been in the last month. So yeah, it was hard for a minute, but it's over. I'm happy. It was the right thing to do; to let it go. To let him go." And I meant it. I think it was the first breath she took since I told her I saw him. Maybe it was the first breath I took...
The reason I'm telling you all of this is because through this experience I've had an epiphany. When you make good choices for yourself, you then empower yourself to be stronger and make more better choices. This might not be a big realization to you, but to me, this is HUGE. For pretty much my whole life, I've been making choices based off of how I've felt, not necessarily what was best for me. Does this make sense? For example, with weight loss (and with other choices in life) sometimes you have to make choices that don't correspond with your immediate feelings. You may be in the mood for cheesecake- but because you know in the bigger picture you want to lose weight, you choose not to have cheesecake in that moment. As you practice self control, your self control becomes stronger. Or...you may love the way a person makes you feel, but in the bigger picture you know that you want something else, so you have to choose not to pursue that relationship. As you make that choice, you free yourself to be open to other relationships; one that may be better for you and more in line with what you want.
I am so happy and proud of myself. I'm growing. I'm maturing. I'm beginning to exercise self control. I'm happy.