Um..

Well, for the first time, I've written several posts and not posted them.  I have never done this until now.

I can't seem to write these last few days about what I'm going through; I'm not sure why.  I've been trying, things are not working themselves out on the page though.  I'm suddenly embarrassed of myself and my weight issues.  Here's what happened (this is from one of my un-posted posts):

Friday night I went to dinner with some friends; we went to at dinner at Joe's Crab Shack to celebrate a friend of mine's grad school acceptance letter.  My friend Esther was also there and she ordered a salad, and before you know it, we were discussing our choices (I got a salad too; we got the same one but I got coconut shrimp and she got the grilled chicken).  Now, you need to know something about my friend Esther.  She is absolutely gorgeous.  I mean, stunningly beautiful.  Big blue eyes, blond hair, high cheek bones.  She's 6 feet tall too.  She told me that her "best weight" is 150, which is what she was trying to get back to ( think she weighs 155 or something).  Mind you, I've been hovering around 140-143 for almost 2 months now.  I'm 5'4.  Now, I know that we have different bodies and we're different, I get that.  But this little confession of hers really sent me into a spiral.  She told me that her roommate (who is also gorgeous and tall and skinny) usually stays at 140 but that it's too skinny for Esther and she likes being 150 better.  This is not the first or last friend to talk weight with me; however, I've realized over the weekend that when it's a friend that is really skinny, for some reason it really gets to me.  I'm not sure why this is.  And as I get smaller, my smaller friends are starting to discuss their diets with me (we didn't discuss these things when I weighed more).  My mind was reeling.  Of course I immediately did the math and realized that if I were trying to match her, I would need to get to 110 pounds.  I cannot even imagine trying to get down to 110 pounds.

Welcome to California.

I know I will never get down to 110; I'm not even trying to.  I've never even considered 110 as a goal weight! Personally I don't think it's possible for me to get that small even if I wanted to.  Nor do I think it's healthy for me.  Although I did come home and look at the BMI scale to see exactly what would be considered underweight for my height, and I wouldn't be considered underweight until I got under 108.  108!  Wow.  Anyway, for some reason, this whole exchange with my friend Esther really bothered me, and it's been weighing on my mind for 3 days now.  Most of my friends are really really small here.  I mean, they're all like Esther- super in shape/skinny.  I get it- you have to look good in a bikini.  Most of them do.  But it's made me start questioning myself. 

Seriously, I'm not trying to be a weirdo, but I can't talk about it.  I can't tell you what has transpired since then (I can say that basically I'm all over the place), and I can't tell you what I plan on doing.  I can't tell you anything and I'm sorry; not because I don't want to, I just can't.  I can't explain it.  This has never happened to me; as most of you know, usually I'm busy trying to revise and shorten most of my posts because I tend to get really wordy.  If you can't tell, I'm trying to find a way to end this post as we speak, but it doesn't seem to want to bring itself to a close.  So I'm just going to have to sign off.  I'm sorry, hopefully as I understand more what's going on within me, I will be able to talk about it/explain it more.  But right now, I just don't know where to begin or how to deal with it.  There's so much going on.  I don't know why this affected me like it did.  I don't feel like it's a negative thing necessarily, although I'm sure it looks like that from what I'm writing.  I hope you understand, it's just part of the process I guess?  I know this post is odd and weird, but I've tried to explain and re-write it so many times and I just can't seem to break through whatever wall is there right now.  I've been sitting here for several hours, and I cannot seem to progress with these posts so I'm just calling it a day for now.  Sorry for the weirdness. 

Thanks for listening. 

Diz