Friday, May 21, 2010

Pizza Peripheral.

I know I've been posting a lot lately, but something interesting went down tonight and I thought I'd share.

NR and I had some company tonight and half way through a movie she turns to me and says, "I didn't eat dinner and I'm starving- are you hungry?"  Of course I was; I hadn't had dinner either, but figured I'd just eat a handful of nuts and a handful of pretzels and tough it out since I didn't make it to the gym in time before our guests arrived (I had less than one hour from the time I arrived home from work and the guests arrived).  So NR and I offered to get some drinks and booked it to the kitchen to scavenge for food.  Neither of us could find anything we wanted to eat, so I grabbed the peanut butter and shoved a spoonful in my mouth while NR decided to order a pizza.  Okay, putting the peanut butter down then.  When the pizza came, we put it out in the living room for everyone to enjoy.  Now, the pizza was a Roundtable Pizza- for those of you who are familiar (or maybe it's just the one here, I'm not sure), they cut their slices into little slices.   I don't know why they cut their slices so small, but it's fine with me- I'd rather have a few small pieces than try to deal with one large piece after another.  So you have an idea- 4 pieces of a Roundtable pizza would be equivalent to 2 regular slices of pizza anywhere else (standard size). I decided to go light on the pizza tonight because as I mentioned, I didn't make it to the gym tonight, and even though I was starving, I'd also had a handful of nuts, pretzels, and a spoonful of PB too.

All of the sudden the crazy in me kicked in and I became hyper aware of how much everyone else in the room was eating.  I had 2 pieces of pizza; meanwhile, everyone else had one.  Even NR, who said she was starving, happily grazed on one piece before putting her plate down.  At the same time it dawned on me that I was fighting an urge to keep eating.  I have a tendency, especially with pizza, to keep eating.  It was hard not to keep eating.

I felt really ashamed when I realized that no one else was going to eat any more.  My cheeks burned as I watched the movie and replayed the whole thing over in my head.  It wasn't the fact that I ate too much, because I only had 2 small pieces; but it was the fact that I wanted to keep eating that was really chapping my hide.  And the fact that I had eaten more than anyone else in the room and was struggling to stop.  I didn't "need" anymore...I just wanted more.

About an hour later, after I finally forgot about the pizza fiasco and was enjoying the movie, someone decided it was time for a little ice cream (the boys brought over a carton).  Well, I went into the kitchen to help him dish up the ice cream and I noticed that he was only scooping little regular spoon size scoops of ice cream into a few coffee mugs he found in the cupboard.  No bowls, he went for the mugs.  Each mug had MAYBE 2 or 3 spoonfuls of ice cream.  I thought to myself- hey, at least you're not overeating Diz, which is good cause you didn't work out, and I took out a few mugs to my other guests in the living room.   I ate my ice cream super slow while my peripheral vision tracked everyone else.  They were all eating slow too.  Enjoying their ice cream no doubt.  Mine was practically melted I was eating it so slow.  Next thing you know, I hear myself scraping the mug.  No one else was scraping one else even had their mug in their hand.  I looked around; somewhere between me becoming engrossed in my scraping everyone else had quietly put down their mugs and were watching the movie.  My cheeks burned even hotter.  I would've easily eaten the amount of everyone's ice cream in the room, plus some, had I been alone.

Even after everyone left and I was cleaning up, I was fighting the urge to have just one more slice of pizza.  I don't really know what this means...And I'm hesitant to publish this post because I'm afraid of what it says about me.  Do I have food issues?  I feel like secretly tracking everyone else's movements makes me a weirdo and crazy.  And then when I realize how much more i eat than everyone else, again I feel like a basket case.  I'm sad and embarrassed, not because of anything I did tonight, but because I know myself and I know what I normally would do in this situation, if there hadn't been boys and NR involved.  NR is very skinny; I've noticed over the last few weeks that she mostly drinks tea.  She eats, don't get me wrong, she'll eat...but mostly she drinks tea.  Where I sit and eat nuts or chocolate or cheetoh's, she has a coffee mug in her hands and is warming them while sipping and pondering life with a blanket on her lap.  And she has no problem throwing food out.  I don't want to waste food; she doesn't want to store it.

Okay, while I could give a whole dissertation on NR's eating habits, I won't.  I'm going to bed.  Just thought I'd log the events of the evening before I drifted off.  What do you think it means?  I'm just a compulsive over-eater?



  1. Um yah - this is me. I am seriously a huge quantity eater. I can eat any man under the table - even the hubby - and when everyone else is finished I can keep eating and keep "wanting" to eat. I hate that feeling. It makes me realize I have no self-control - which possibly means I have a real food addiction. For me sometimes I think it's coming from a poor family - there was never enough - and now that there's enough I am filling what I didn't have or saying screw you world - I have enough now and I'm going to eat as much as I need. Ugh - rambling - please know you are not alone. That's what I'm trying to say.

  2. Diz this is so normal. at least for me. Any social gathering I always scan the room to see what other people are heating, how much, how fast and how they are eating it. I HATE throwing away food, cause I hate to waste it. An the worst habit it that I used to clean my kids plate every time. I have really gotten better with this. Anyone who has a weight problem has food issues Diz. Either a great love affair, a way to mask emotions, never having enough food, ect. That fact that you realize it is sooo magical. Then you have something to work with. Its hard to stop when your full. Your doing great! Love love you!

  3. Diz, you are totally normal!!! Who are these friends you're hanging out with that are eating one half slice of pizza and 2 tablespoons of ice cream???? I would go nuts. I'm sorry I have to EAT and I need to hang out with people who love to eat as much as me. I totally relate though, I'm def the one going back for seconds and when I force myself not to the food whispers to me from across the room. Oh, if only I could eat a half a slice of pizza and say oh man I'm so full... that'll be the day.. So don't beat yourself up theres nothing at all in any way wrong with YOU. xoxox love ya

  4. SO relatable! I noticed this eating lunch with my former, Sz 2 boss... I ate so fast and cleared my plate, like it was my last meal... Or the earth depended on my to clear my plate and its massive restaurant portions in t-10 minutes. Ugh. I just have to say, I worry about that too, especially when I become so aware of how people eat around me, because if I pig out, I totally feel like people are thinking, "gee, no wonder she's got a gut like that."

    Our own worst enemies sometimes.. that's for sure. Okay. Comment, not a novel. Sorry!

  5. You are so normal! I am a huge eater - love food and copious amounts of it. I know part of my problem is portion control. We had pizza last night as well and I tried to convince everyone to get 2 mediums so I wouldn't have the urge to eat more than 2 slices. How ridiculous is that?? Because I may not be able to control how many slices I eat - everyone else has to get less as well? Huh? So, we got the larges and I ate my 2 slices and while I wanted more - I stopped...but thought of that extra slice all night.

  6. Guys eating only one little piece of pizza? Seriously? Maybe it's a California Guy thing...

    I know what you mean, though. I remember my son's best friend's mom scooping ice cream at her house once. Tiny little scoops and just a smattering of chocolate sauce. No wonder she and her kids are so thin. That's obviously how she was taught to "portion" and that's what she's teaching them. Not a bad thing at all.

    I learned from a very generous scooper and syrup-pourer. One of my big problems from childhood.

    We are much of what we learned from the adults who raised us, if you think about it.

  7. Girl I have done the same thing. I use to hate eating in groups cause I would think everyone was watching me eat. I noticed it more when I felt that a few other people are smaller than me.

    I really have a hard time with just one piece of pizza,that is the hardest food for me to remember that moderation is the key! I have really had to change my thoughts on "make a happy plate" to 'okay that's enough I am full"

    But could it be possible since they were visiting that they didn't want to eat all of the pizza so there was enough to share?

  8. I so relate! I have caught myself watching and or counting what other people eat. If you're nuts, I'm nuts too! Good company, LOL.