I know I've been posting a lot lately, but something interesting went down tonight and I thought I'd share.
NR and I had some company tonight and half way through a movie she turns to me and says, "I didn't eat dinner and I'm starving- are you hungry?" Of course I was; I hadn't had dinner either, but figured I'd just eat a handful of nuts and a handful of pretzels and tough it out since I didn't make it to the gym in time before our guests arrived (I had less than one hour from the time I arrived home from work and the guests arrived). So NR and I offered to get some drinks and booked it to the kitchen to scavenge for food. Neither of us could find anything we wanted to eat, so I grabbed the peanut butter and shoved a spoonful in my mouth while NR decided to order a pizza. Okay, putting the peanut butter down then. When the pizza came, we put it out in the living room for everyone to enjoy. Now, the pizza was a Roundtable Pizza- for those of you who are familiar (or maybe it's just the one here, I'm not sure), they cut their slices into little slices. I don't know why they cut their slices so small, but it's fine with me- I'd rather have a few small pieces than try to deal with one large piece after another. So you have an idea- 4 pieces of a Roundtable pizza would be equivalent to 2 regular slices of pizza anywhere else (standard size). I decided to go light on the pizza tonight because as I mentioned, I didn't make it to the gym tonight, and even though I was starving, I'd also had a handful of nuts, pretzels, and a spoonful of PB too.
All of the sudden the crazy in me kicked in and I became hyper aware of how much everyone else in the room was eating. I had 2 pieces of pizza; meanwhile, everyone else had one. Even NR, who said she was starving, happily grazed on one piece before putting her plate down. At the same time it dawned on me that I was fighting an urge to keep eating. I have a tendency, especially with pizza, to keep eating. It was hard not to keep eating.
I felt really ashamed when I realized that no one else was going to eat any more. My cheeks burned as I watched the movie and replayed the whole thing over in my head. It wasn't the fact that I ate too much, because I only had 2 small pieces; but it was the fact that I wanted to keep eating that was really chapping my hide. And the fact that I had eaten more than anyone else in the room and was struggling to stop. I didn't "need" anymore...I just wanted more.
About an hour later, after I finally forgot about the pizza fiasco and was enjoying the movie, someone decided it was time for a little ice cream (the boys brought over a carton). Well, I went into the kitchen to help him dish up the ice cream and I noticed that he was only scooping little regular spoon size scoops of ice cream into a few coffee mugs he found in the cupboard. No bowls, he went for the mugs. Each mug had MAYBE 2 or 3 spoonfuls of ice cream. I thought to myself- hey, at least you're not overeating Diz, which is good cause you didn't work out, and I took out a few mugs to my other guests in the living room. I ate my ice cream super slow while my peripheral vision tracked everyone else. They were all eating slow too. Enjoying their ice cream no doubt. Mine was practically melted I was eating it so slow. Next thing you know, I hear myself scraping the mug. No one else was scraping mugs...no one else even had their mug in their hand. I looked around; somewhere between me becoming engrossed in my scraping everyone else had quietly put down their mugs and were watching the movie. My cheeks burned even hotter. I would've easily eaten the amount of everyone's ice cream in the room, plus some, had I been alone.
Even after everyone left and I was cleaning up, I was fighting the urge to have just one more slice of pizza. I don't really know what this means...And I'm hesitant to publish this post because I'm afraid of what it says about me. Do I have food issues? I feel like secretly tracking everyone else's movements makes me a weirdo and crazy. And then when I realize how much more i eat than everyone else, again I feel like a basket case. I'm sad and embarrassed, not because of anything I did tonight, but because I know myself and I know what I normally would do in this situation, if there hadn't been boys and NR involved. NR is very skinny; I've noticed over the last few weeks that she mostly drinks tea. She eats, don't get me wrong, she'll eat...but mostly she drinks tea. Where I sit and eat nuts or chocolate or cheetoh's, she has a coffee mug in her hands and is warming them while sipping and pondering life with a blanket on her lap. And she has no problem throwing food out. I don't want to waste food; she doesn't want to store it.
Okay, while I could give a whole dissertation on NR's eating habits, I won't. I'm going to bed. Just thought I'd log the events of the evening before I drifted off. What do you think it means? I'm just a compulsive over-eater?