Monday, August 30, 2010

Attempt: 5,674,353,346

Today was my first official day back on Fat Flush.

It was a  little anti-climactic, to say the least.  I've been waiting for this day for a few weeks now.  It felt good to have all of my ducks in a row and do all of the little things I needed to do to make this day great, but in all honesty I'm a little leery right now.  Why?  It's not the Fat Flush diet; it's me.  I don't trust myself to make my goal, and I really want to.  I recognize that I need to be on a structured eating program in order to see the best results- I am not disciplined enough to just "do it on my own", as so many others can.  Calories tend to creep in my mouth without me acknowledging them if I'm not constantly staying aware.  I need help- it's not "normal" for me to eat healthy AND eat the right portion sizes on my own without help yet, but that's okay.  I'm learning about myself and what my body needs, I just hope I am not as hard on myself this time around as I have been in the past.  If I mess up, I have to remember, it's okay.  I have to learn to not be upset if I make a mistake, we all make them.

At the same time, I am tired of being on and then off again.  I recognize (and have been thinking seriously about it over the last few days/weeks) that I need to learn that this is a lifestyle change and seriously change my life- for good.  There have been so many times in the past that I've said this, only to eventually revert back to my old ways.  I still have yet to learn how to make this permanent.  The good news is: I know it's a series of trying and failing, then trying again.  I know it's also a matter of learning your weaknesses and how to overcome them.  I recognize that this has got to be permanent in order for me to inevitably beat my struggle with weight. And I want to try again.  I know I can do this and I believe in myself that one day I will beat this struggle for good and conquer my weaknesses...hopefully forever.  I know that might sound a little crazy- but think about it.  If every time you fall, you get up and hold on just a little longer- eventually you will not fall anymore.  Right?

I know this all sounds intense, I guess it is in a way.  I feel like I am coming back to the beginning.  I finally remember where square one is.  You know the one where you are pretty humbled and you suddenly start to realize that this is a battle you are going to have to fight for the rest of your life?  The one where you admit to yourself you have issues with food?  It's not the end of the world- it's not the humiliation phase- it's the step after that.  It's the hope of something new- it's the recognition that it's a lot of work and you will have to give it everything you have (again).  I know that I can do this; and it's been a long time since I was all the way back to square one...but I needed to come back here to begin again.  Honestly- I'm glad to be back to square one.  I know that there will be times that I fall...and I also know that in order to be successful I have to pick myself up again and keep trying.  But I'm glad to finally be back here- I have hope again.

So yeah, I'm back 'on the wagon'.  Back to 'square one'.  I've been eating pretty healthy lately anyway (except for a few treats on my trip).  My body just doesn't feel the same when I splurge/binge/eat bad/whatever; which is good that I'm starting to recognize how I feel and what I don't enjoy anymore (feeling sick and bloated and heavy and tired).  I've been thinking lately about what I enjoy- I enjoy working out.  I agree with Kenz that our bodies crave it.  I need to work out to release stress.  I also enjoy healthy foods- I just don't know enough recipes.  But that's the exciting part of this program!  I will get to try some new things and expand my horizons a bit.  Continuing to do crossfit with my friend is really helping me get out of my workout rut...and she's also doing Fat Flush with me too.  It's so nice to have a friend to do this with- hopefully I can really see this through to the end like I really want right now...

So yeah- there's my speech of the day.  Regarding my trip: It was so nice to get out of California.  But I'm even more excited to be home and to have today actually be here.  I didn't actually go to Vegas as planned, but ended up in Utah instead.  I went to see my beautiful friend for her baby shower (it's her first- a little guy named AJ- how cute is that?).  Even though I didn't really get to talk to her long, it was good to see her and see how great she's doing.  I had a lot of time to think over the weekend, and I needed that.

I hope you're all doing well!  Can't wait to catch up on everyone's blogs...



  1. Very insightful of you, realizing that "square one" has been missing for you lately.

    Square One contains hope. I like that a lot! Good luck with FF. You can do anything you set your mind to. Yes you can!

  2. P.S. Your post title is so relatable, if that's a word.

  3. Sweetie aquare one is really always the best place to start. Even though you tried a gazillion times some times we all get to eager and jump ahead. I am back to measuring my food out. Portions have become as unrealistic as my food choices. So this morning I blew the dust of the measuring cups and spoons, but new batteries in my food scale and stood up straight. I am a little saddened by you lack of faith in yourself. I can see how amazingly strong you are and wish you would stop thinking what if I f*ck up and think of what if I finally reach my goal; how am I gonna maintain something I worked so hard for?! Diz you are one of the strongest people, and don't see it! You can do this. So what you had to make the gazillion attempts. Each attempt will make the final victory so much sweeter! Lots of love!Big hugs

  4. You can do this sweetie...and I love the introspective deep blogs...then I get to know you more. And the more I know - the more I love. YOu inspire...every day. Never stop.