Life long war? No thank you.

Today started out great and is ending badly. I went running this morning (another 6 miles cause I'm on a rampage) and then did pretty well on the diet side of things until tonight...Marty brought me a key lime pie with fresh squeezed lime juice all over it and while he swore up and down on the phone that when he got here he would only cut me a small sliver- his idea of that sliver was actually like, 1/4th of the pie. And the damn thing was so good I had two "slivers". Really I just kept taking mini bites of the second sliver til it was gone. And now I'm pissed about it (of course). I'm pissed too because I just got done watching the Biggest Loser and watching everyone bust their ass for two hours makes me want to go to the gym (especially after the KLP fiasco), but alas...it's 11 pm and I know I won't go to sleep if I were to go to the gym right now. Obviously it's not conducive to my schedule. Sorry that this is like, the 5th pissed post in a row. Normally I'm not so hostile. Swear. Must be working through those anger issues I was talking about in the last post.

Anyway...

I made the mistake earlier this week of telling Marty about the blog. I think it made him nervous. I explained that I've changed his name and changed mine and that I've not told a single soul that we know that I've created this blog...but he's still stressed and I get it. He told me tonight not to mention on my blog that he brought me a pie, and if I were going to mention anything- that I should mention he encourages me to work out. (BTW- he really is all about working out...I'm not just saying that to support what he asks. We have gone on bike rides and walks together...it's ME that doesn't want to work out with HIM, not the other way around. I'm too self-conscious around him still when it comes to working out. If he wasn't such an athlete...it's funny too because I haven't felt sexier to a guy in such a long time...so you would think I would be comfortable working out with him. Plus he loves the way I smell and taste after a workout- he's always asking me to just come over or stop by during or after a workout. He really does try to get me to work out with him. I mean, obviously he knows now about the blog, so what is there left to hide? Yet I'm still self conscious). Anyway, I know I shouldn't be outing him like this- and if he ever figures out how to find the blog then, baby I'm sorry, but now the whole thing has got me thinking. Just two days ago I was telling my mom that I feel an immense freedom in being able to type and say what I want to and have no judgements. Or if there are judgements, it's not from my friends and associates here in "real life", so it's not so personal. But what if someone that I know does find my blog? Then what? Why am I suddenly so embarrassed? I was doing my standard twitter stalking tonight and found one of my real life friends on one of my blogger friends "follow" list and the whole thing unsettled me. I started creating situations in my mind of how the real lifer could trace this faux twitter page back to my blog and then she would figure out it was me...

Man I'm weird. I just realized, I am really weird.

I don't think it's the blog that embarrasses me, it's the fact that I'm openly discussing my weight struggles. I feel like I never should've lost control of my body, and admitting that out loud can be really freeing...but also really terrifying. And humiliating.

When I watched the Biggest Loser tonight (spoiler alert!), Shay had a huge breakdown. I watched it and thought, 'good for her, now she'll be able to start healing because she's recognizing what's going on and dealing with it properly. Now she'll be able to let go'. Everyone always talks about how they hit a point- they hit the bottom so to speak, and that's when they knew they needed to do it- lose the weight. And then they start dropping weight that they've carried for years and years. I mean, they start dropping 30, 40, 100 pounds. All of the sudden, when so many other times they couldn't do it. They failed, and now they're not failing. What was different this time? This intrigues me so much- this "point". What snapped emotionally that helped them kick it back into gear?

It's like the chicken and the egg all over- no one knows which came first or how or why. Replace emotional garbage and weight with chicken and egg. They propel each other, and yet, which comes first? And why? I was depressed therefore I gained. OR- I gained, and consequently grew more depressed. Same with weight loss...I lost the weight and found myself. OR- I found myself and lost the weight. What is it about this emotional...(what's even the word?)...situation? I'm so intrigued by it I guess because I don't understand it, which doesn't convince me that it's over for me. Which was first for me...was I depressed and gained or gained and then depressed? I'm not sure. How do I know the vicious cycle is over? Again, I'm not sure.

I'm scared I won't lose the weight I want to.

I'm scared I'll plateau and give up because I'm frustrated and maybe gain it all back. I feel like I should really understand this whole thing logically so i can know how to avoid it, and yet I can't put my finger on it. Something about gaining more weight freaks me out- I guess because of the unhappiness I have felt with myself this last year. The disappointment. The humiliation. The unbelief. I've been so depressed and my self esteem-totally gone. Completely Vanished. And watching Shay bawl tonight because she hasn't been happy in 30 years hit home. I mean, it REALLY hit home.

I don't want to be unhappy for 30 years.