Saturday, November 7, 2009

Blow it up. Blow, blow it up.

Tonight Marty and I went to Wal Mart but never actually made it out of the car. We started making out in the parking lot and then because this security guy kept driving by, we finally pulled back and got in a real conversation (our conversation evolved from sexy talk to actual conversation). Well, the conversation turned into me confessing my biggest fear: Being out of control of my body. Gaining weight. (Because let's be honest- if I was out of control and LOST weight, no one would say anything and it wouldn't be my biggest fear. So no- it's truly just gaining weight out of control).

Why did I feel the need to confess this to him? I hate this conversation- ESPECIALLY with the guy you're dating. Some would say it's what's called a no-brainer- you never talk this topic of death. But Marty has figured out that if you shut up long enough, I start spilling it all. Somehow we went from talking about what's attractive (I think him in that blue shirt is SO attractive and he thinks my kissing is so attractive) to Diz confessing her fear of becoming fat. And I wasn't just confessing it- I was on a tirade. I started telling him about a friend of mine that is married and her husband always tells her that he won't have sex with her until she loses the weight and she loves it because it's motivating to her to lose but I find it appalling. Next thing you know- Diz is rapidly spitting fire throughout the entire car. I hope I see him again and he didn't leave for Nevada tonight.

I have a lot to process right now. I'm not even sure I should publish this post. For some reason just confessing this fear alone leaves me feeling very unsettled and anxious.

The thing is- I don't know why. Why do I feel like I can't admit I'm scared? Does this mean my subconscious is saying that admission of this fear makes it real? Like- I'll definitely gain the weight and I'm even admitting that I will? Or worse- I'm crazy.? Like...only an emotionally unstable person would spew such atrocious fears. The rest of normal humans would never even allow their minds to go there. Everyone knows that once the seeds been planted...

I'm not even sure I'm making sense anymore. I'm freaked out and stressed out about this confession and I need to think. Peace out.



  1. Okay, here's my take on're not crazy for having trouble admitting your fears.

    Second, if you couldn't openly talk about it with Marty he wouldn't be the right guy for you. My boyfriend knows losing weight is super important to me so he lets me talk about it as much as I want to. :) He's extraordinarily awesome. :)

    Also, you friend's husband = douche bag. I would tell him to...well, I'd have some choice words for him. It sounds like your friend needs a big boost of self-esteem too which would be hard to get with a clown like that around. Can you tell that fires me up?

    Anyway...back to my point. It's okay to be scared of gaining weight. And admitting it doesn't mean it's going to happen. If I were you I wouldn't obsess over it because trust me Diz, you're working hard now...and if you keep taking it one day at a time, that work will turn into a habit..and at some point it will just be who you are.

    I'll totally ♥ you either way.

  2. Hey, Diz!

    Everyone is scared. Truly. Every one is scared. It's the human condition. Different people deal with their fears in different ways.

    Me--I like to vent it. Once I put it out there, it loses its power over me. I see it for what it is--smoke and mirrors. Truth defeated those things on the cross, but sometimes I forget that.

    Others deal with their fear in other ways--through positive confession or denial that they even have fear--or perpetual happy attitudes--or being busy and productive--or with addiction to booze, drugs, sex, food... Everyone has their own style; some ways are healthier than others.

    Are you nuts? Yes. But, then, we all are. We all have issues, insecurities, stuff. That is also the human condition. (Being nuts isn't the same as being mentally ill, you understand.)

    You know, I have a true story. I am habitually under the impression that there are people out there who actually have it all together. That I am just the only one who is such a mess.

    I met someone once who seemed to prove the fact that it was possible to be everything one should be. I mean she had it down! Great wife and mother--talented, kept a clean house, volunteered, extremely organized, great sense of humor, giving, loving, bright--just on top of it!

    Turned out--now this is the truth!--that she had multiple personoalities (called dissociative identity disorder now). Really. lol. She was able to do the impossible because she was a couple dozen people. ha. I am not making this up.

    Anyway, as long as I am the only person inside of this skin, I'm going to be less competent and together than I think I should be. You, too.

    So, my advice? Grab hold of that fear and wrestle it to the ground in whatever way works for you. If talking it out allows you to put that fear in perspective--talk yourself silly.