Monday, November 23, 2009

Someone's about to get beat.

I'm pissed.

I mean livid. I mean furious. I mean irate.

I went to my weigh in today...and turns out my new home scale, the roommate's scale that I LOATHE so much, is accurate. I only lost .4 in two weeks. I weighed right before my meeting so I would know how far off the stupid thing is. Turns out, it's not off at all. $@#&!!!!!!!!

Now, granted, my roomie and I cooked a big dinner last night to impress some boys and it caused a 2 pound gain (I guess I did kind of go crazy). I mean, yesterday was just a baaaaaaad day all around. While I never got FULL, I knew I blew it points-wise. Treats at church, treats at home, big din. But I've been so good for two weeks! And I've been working out like a freaking Haas! Only 1 of those 2 pounds was gone this morning. So I know I was a little up from where I've been weighing in at for the last few weeks. But still. I was hoping for a 4 pound drop in the last two weeks, looks like maybe I lost 2 and then stayed still until yesterday, when I gained it back from blowing it and then lost .4 overnight. Wow. Graciously my leader at WW handed me the "What to do with Plateau's" booklet today, the one you're supposed to get at week 10 (today is week 6 for me). She could tell I'm totally disheartened. I sat through my whole meeting vacillating between fighting back tears and cussing my ass out. The good news for everyone else was I was making comments left and right. All of the sudden I was just going off about "food pushers", (we were discussing how to talk to them/work around them at Thanksgiving). Two ladies turned around and thanked me for admitting some of my frustrations with them, and with myself for caving to them (food pushers) a lot. So, it looks like everyone else was benefiting from my rage. I still haven't though.

I finally resolved that I will just have to kick my own ass harder this week. I read the booklet about plateau's from cover to cover, and looks like I will have to track closer, be smarter. I did have a few weak moments this week- thinking back on Friday night Marty was in a pounding mood and I ended up TWICE eating stuff I wasn't prepared to eat; but I guess I can't allow those weak moments anymore. I just figured with all the hard workouts this week (32 mile bike ride on Saturday, followed by a friggin salad?) I had worked hard enough...but sounds like I was really just justifying so I could eat more. Looking back, I haven't been tracking very closely. And I've been working out so hard, I think in my mind I kept thinking that that covers it. Well, guess what, it doesn't. UGH, SO SICK OF MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

Ok, don't get alarmed when you read this post. Don't read it and comment about how I need to lighten up on myself and everything will be ok- I know I probably need to lighten up. But right now I'm pissed. I'm pissed in the...'I don't want to work, I just want to go for a 6 mile run' sorta way. Unfortunately, I can't do that. I've been putting off work all morning to deal with this. I don't want to lose my job too. I'm just frustrated and venting right now. But I WILL be running this afternoon, mark my words. I've already planned my whole day around that run. And it's just the beginning. I ran maybe 2x's last week. I went for a bike ride or two (not sure which week the first bike ride with Marty landed)and ran 2x's, and lifted partially once. The week before I worked out everyday. I think part of the problem too is that since I'm working out longer and harder, I'm justifying more foods and more treats cause I think since I worked out so hard I can have it. Well, that's over. Looks like i'm going to have to get back to tracking every bite, saying no more, and continuing the workouts more consistenly. Like, everyday. Instead of thinking one 6 mile run and one 32 mile bike ride in 3 or 4 days is enough. It's apparently not. Maybe it was a month ago, but now my body is adjusting and apparently so are my justifications for treats and extra calories. I'm also considering adding the weights back in because I'm doing a shiz load of cardio and I'm not seeing the best results I could be (too quick of a gain back), which tells me a few things.

I know I'm not the only one who has gotten super frustrated with this whole process. The good news is, a few weeks ago I would've just said, forget it all, I'm having some cake. Today I'm saying- forget it all, I'm going to bust my ass even harder. This weight WILL come off. It's 15 pounds til I'm back to normal. It may take me a year, but I will get it off; I will get to that 135 if it kills me. I WILL. I'm slowly starting to recognize myself in the mirror again. Clothes are starting to fit again. I'm wearing a size 8 again. (It's tight but dammit it fits) I WILL GET THERE IF IT KILLS ME; I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR LESS. I'm tired of almost being there. I'm tired of almost seeing this double chin be gone. I'm tired of almost feeling confident and sexy and cute. I know I should allow myself to feel that way now, but unfortunately, I just don't.

Ok, rant over. For now. I know I said all of this two weeks ago, but dang it, two weeks ago I motivated myself to work hard everyday and I know I lost at least 2 pounds that week. So unfortunately until I'm down under 148, I'm not letting up on myself. I'm SO SICK OF BEING WHERE I'M AT.

I'm sure more will come, cause it's been an hour and a half, and I'm still pissed.



  1. Don't get mad, just use this as motivation for next week! Everybody has set backs. I'm going to the gym for the first time in 2 weeks (I took a break while my husband was out of the country) and I'm terrified of what it will be like when I go in today. All I want to do is get in bed with hot chocolate and lots of marshmallows! Just stay focused and be positive, at least you lost .4!

  2. Hey, Diz! I disagree with DWJ! Sounds nice, but you go ahead and get mad! It will drive you to do better and keep you away from bed and hot chocolate! (Sorry, DWJ)

    We were going to talk about how to make anxiety work for you--which is tough to do! But anger, now ANGER, can work for you in a snap. Just read your blog and you'll see that loud and clear. :D

    Do go easy on shaming yourself as that will just deenergize and defeat you and make you want to eat. You've seen your error--no, you can't allow exercise to be an excuse to eat as that just cancels out the exercise--now carry that insight with you this week.

    The anger will provide fuel. It will eventually peter out--but by then your determined good nature will carry you through.

    Of course, you do want to be positive. Be positive you're going to do what it takes to smash those extra pounds into smithereens!

    Good job, fierce girl!


    P.S. Might I add that a size 8--tight or not--is amazing. Amazing as in I have NEVER even come close to a size 8--ever!

  3. P.P.S Congrats on the loss! It may be small, but it's almost half a pound AND it happened over a holiday trip HOME! Push through, girlfriend, push through! Deb

  4. You are right. It's totally frustrating, but it sounds like you have a good plsn in place. Just move kick some butt! I believe you can!