But this morning I started feeling that familiar urge- the urge to write out my emotions/experiences. I was feeling great from yoga and loving my body and the words just started forming their sentences. But then I reminded myself- Hiatus, Diz. I tried to ignore the sentences; after all, I was taking a break.
But I couldn't forget my blog, so I decided to just read some other people's blogs as I started my morning. It was a harmless decision really. I genuinely enjoy reading other people's blogs. Gaining new insights and strength from other writer's who are going through this same journey is something I need and look forward to. It also distracts me from other things, like eating while watching tv. Occasionally I venture out and find new blogs to read, about other topics. Dating, for example (because it's another scenario that applies to me as a single person). So who knew? Maybe today I would just catch up with some favorites and venture about the internet, just reading. Harmless, right? Sure enough though, the second teaser I read on my blog feed grabs my attention and I got sucked right back in.
So the post I read was on Marisa's blog: Loser for Life. The post can be found here: http://www.loserforlife.com/2009/12/whats-wrong-with-me/ For those who don't have the time- she asks, "What is wrong with me?". What's wrong with me that I always want to eat...a familiar self accusing question I've asked myself many a time. My comment had to do with taking accountability for our decisions/actions. This "accountability" is something that has been rolling around in the back of my brain for awhile now. Time to bring it to the forefront. Here we go...
I wrote on Marisa's blog that "once we realize there is a choice, that is when we become responsible for the decisions we make" (or something to that affect). Obviously this touches on more than just weight loss and food choices- but I can't help but think about how this has affected my food choices over the past year. As I continued to mull over this thought...I started realizing that there is strength and power in my decisions. I haven't used that power much in the past, which is why I'm at where I'm at (in all aspects of my life). But I started to realize...with every decision I make, I am growing. I am taking accountability for my life. I am in control.
Do I sound like a nut job yet or are you with me? I mean, really truly realizing and grasping the fact that YOU are in control of your life and your choices...just let this settle in for a moment. Once you truly realize this, as I am starting to (I think it's a process actually, not something you just become aware of one day and are full blown changed from that moment on), you will start to shift your thinking. In the past, my choices controlled me, not the other way around. I wasn't AWARE of my choices, and how they were affecting my life. I mean, I knew to some extent, just like you do. I just made choices as they appeared. It was a natural thing; Was I going to get out of bed today? Yes. Check. Next decision. Realizing that in reality, I really can control the choice by being more mentally aware, (these choices don't control me!), may be very elementary to some of you, but for me this is huge. This is a major turning point for me, that I will have to continue to analyze and test. I realized this morning, as I wrote those words on Marisa's blog, that I truly do have power over my destiny. I'm letting that sink in for a minute. I have control of my freaking destiny. I will paint a beautiful picture of my life.
Of course, we always say we have power to control our destinies, and I think we get genuinely caught up in that moment while we're saying it, but then we go home and throw something on the stove and start making dinner, and we forget about our destinies and our choices and all of that psychological riff raff. But it's still there. The POWER. You. Your decisions. They may be small, they may be big, but they are still there- and you're still constantly making them. What's for dinner tonight? You just made another choice.
Every single moment.
Are you going to work out today, are you going to choose the apple over the sweet roll? Are you going to get dressed? Are you taking a shower? Are you going to give work your full attention or are you going to be on facebook? Are you going to go out to eat with your coworkers? Where are you going to go? The choices just keep rolling in. And the decisions just keep getting made. But what about when we start realizing that we are MAKING those choices? Then we can start wielding the power. Then we start saying/realizing- If I choose this apple over the sweet roll, I will be in better control of my weight in the long term. Today I choose the apple; tomorrow I will not battle as hard. As we continue to be cognizant of our choices- we continue to control our lives/weigh/whatever more and more and more. And the vicious cycle of up and down and more and less finally gets broken (unless of course we decide not to choose the apple. But even then, you're aware of what you're doing, so you become less likely to keep making the same choice in the future. Unless of course you want to. But then you're not as depressed because you realize that you made the choice to have the sweet roll. Or maybe you are depressed, but you at least can take accountability for your choices and know that the reason you're gaining weight is because you keep choosing bad foods, not because the heavens hate you and you can't get a grip on yourself).
I hope you're still with me. I hope you're not bored and you don't think I'm a complete crazy and you're as excited as I am right now. I hope you're truly grasping what this can mean for you; as I'm thinking, almost maniacally what it can mean for me. Now that I'm realizing I have a lot of responsibility in my choices, I'm kind of wiped out and a little nervous. I have so much accountability on my shoulders right now! I'll let you know how it affects me in a few days. I might just want to go back to being ignorant of my choices. It was easier then. Although it has caused quite a bit of pain. But now I'm rambling. :)
Yes, I chose to take a break from my break. I hope you can make the choice to keep reading.