Humiliation.

It's been a few days, hasn't it. Not a few good days.

No no, I've been hiding. Hiding from you- my readers. Why, you ask? Because I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed by my behavior the last few days. My roommate and I just kind of "slid" into an oblivion of fatness. It started with dinner at Fred's, that mexican joint, on Sat night, and has been going strong now for a few days. I don't know exactly what happened or how it all happened, and she doesn't either. Sunday we managed to go to In-N-Out, Wendy's AND Carl's Jr- ALL IN ONE DAY. Then yesterday- same crap. We got up, headed straight to Bagel Mania, where we started our day with bagels and cokes. Um...shut the front door. DON'T I KNOW BETTER, than to start my day out with diet coke? We went to get facials last night and my esthetician asked me if I have had any water lately, and I thought back and realized...oh...not since Friday. No. Diet Coke for 4 days now, no worries. And then we ended the day at Panda Express- again...what? I haven't seen the inside of a gym in 7 days. Marty called to go to the gym yesterday and I met him, started a workout...THEN LIED ABOUT WORK CALLING SO I COULD LEAVE. Again, I've never done something so horrific. Well, maybe I have- maybe I'm being dramatic, but lying? Lying Diz???? I don't know what's happening to me. I'm dipping to new lows. I found myself sitting in the middle of Panda Express last night, gorging on Orange Chicken and Chow Mein, laughing about our continued binge, until it wasn't funny anymore. Suddenly we were asking ourselves, "What the hell are we doing?" Not only were we being complete pigs, we LOOKED like pigs. No make up (either of us). No showers (either of us). Sweats. Uggs. Food. UGH! We're not normally these girls.

So yes, I've been hiding.

I went to WW this morning to weigh in, because I had to get control of myself and get on with my goals. I was terrified. I lost .8. Unfortunately, this is not something I'm proud of. Why? Because I lost control this weekend. It's not about the weight loss at this point, it's about the control. You gain weight when you let yourself lose control for an extended period of time. I'm trying to regain control of myself. I let myself slide into this oblivion for several days. I know I know, we all do it. But I've been doing it alot lately, and this was supposed to be "my year". I told my roommate last night, I'm sick of the yo-yo dieting, I really want to lose the weight once and for all, and keep it all off. I am sick of myself. And I didn't care about myself or my goals this weekend. It's different from taking a break, it was a lack of concern, a lack of care. So no- no celebration for the drop. It's probably just a lack of water in my system anyway.

I'm not going to make declarations today; I was talking to a dear friend via gchat the other day (she also happens to occasionally read my blog), and she commented on my tendency to make big claims and grand statements on my blog and then not follow through. I'm always "on a rampage", but I have a tendency to lose motivation, she pointed out. She was not trying to be mean, merely pointing out the obvious, and she made a great point. I DO have a tendency to tell you all that I'm going to "be on a rampage" and I'm going to "lose all this weight", among all of these other claims I make, and I DO tend to discard that grand proclamation by the next day. So I will not make any big claims today. I am just going to go to the gym and do my workout, and come home and eat a healthy dinner. Hopefully tomorrow I will do the same thing.

I will add this one thing though (this is being added AFTER Deb's comment about day 59 post): I am still happy. No I'm not happy about this one weekend. But I know I can do this. I know I WILL do this. That is not a question. So yes, I had a bad weekend. But today is a new day, I am headed to the gym now, and this is a new week and I can do it. ;) So can you.

D