Today I went to WW to face the music. It wasn't pretty. I didn't want to go; I've been off the wagon since Saturday and nothing in my body wanted to "reboot" (as I've been calling it lately). But I went, hoping it would charge me up. It didn't. I'm up 1/2 pound. Plus I went to a different meeting than usual because I went to Catalina yesterday and missed my normal meeting. I ended up leaving early. I got bored and felt like it was the same crap I've heard every other week. Love myself; make ME a priority; drink my water; blah blah.
I know, I know. 1/2 pound is not bad. It's not the weight gain; seriously. I'm growing tired. Tired of working my ass off. Today I asked myself several times if I should just quit now; if it's "time". Here's the bottom line: I'm scared. I still want to lose 10 more pounds. I know I "look great" and that I'm "small in comparison" to some, but I don't personally feel like I'm where I want to be. I'm not satisfied with me yet. I'm getting there, sure. It's been so relieving to put on clothes that are too big and know that I've lost some and I can feel so much more confident and happier in who I am now vs who I was 15 pounds ago. I can see it in my face, in my arms and legs, and even in my torso a little. I don't feel hideous or disgusting or freakish, as I have in the past. But there are still a lot of things in my closet that I can't wear. There are still days of self hatred as I squeeze into something, only to curse the high heavens as I struggle to get it back off, succumbing to the fact that I won't be wearing that item today. There are still moments of anxiety when guys touch my back or my waist. There are still moments in dressing rooms where I'm torn between ripping the clothes into a pile of shreds or throwing my body against the wall, or breaking down in tears. I'm scared I can't lose the last of the weight that I want to. But these thoughts ARE slowly going away, and getting weaker. I know one day they will be gone if I can make it to goal.
But it's so hard; and I'm so tired. I'm tired of watching everything I eat. I'm tired of feeling like I blew it if I have a few days off. And I'm tired of not seeing the scale move because I had 2 "bad days", or better yet, 2 "bad hours". I don't know what to do because, I feel like...if I could get my act together and really push, I might make it to goal by summer. But after having 2 bad weeks back to back, I'm starting to wonder. Should I just accept myself the way I am and resign from the fight? Part of me thinks- it doesn't sound so bad to just accept myself for where I'm at. I'm not fat, I can do any activities I want to and I'm not restrained in any way from partaking in life. The other part of me screams at myself for giving up so easily, and reminds me that just because I'm not restrained doesn't mean I'm truly happy where I'm at either. I will never be fully confident, fully sexy, or fully happy unless I make it to goal; I know it. Sure, I can give up the fight now...but I'd also be trading in my "dream body". Do I really want to do that?
I need a refresher; a real motivator. No, not a personal trainer that costs me millions. While I would love for a trainer or a new gym or a new diet to happen, let's be honest...I'm too cheap. I won't call Crossfit trainer back because I don't want to dish the money to pay for him. But that makes me ask myself...how are you going to handle this crisis Diz? I always seem to have a hard time from 143 down; I've had this problem in the past. It's not the work outs; it's the diet too. It's getting super hard because I feel like there is no real cushion or room for err. Sure I'm trying new recipes; but I also had some things these last 2 weeks that, even though they were low in points, they weren't necessarily "clean" foods either, and yeah, my body is at that point where it matters what I'm putting into it. I can't just eat something because it's low in points, I now have to watch how healthy and organic it is; if it's the right combination of carbs vs proteins vs fats, etc. Yeah, it really gets to this. I know that's why I haven't lost this week (besides the 2 days of binge).
Plus, none of my friends seem to be on a rampage right now either, so that's also making my life super hard. This whole week is going to be hell. For one thing, I'm so busy, I don't know when I'm going to get all my workouts in. Yeah, right now the workouts aren't even my main concern. I know I can get up earlier to go to the gym. I hate lifting weights; I'm bored to tears with my weight routine. There- I said it. Plus, I'm slammed. I didn't even get home tonight until 11 pm. For another, it's function after function of food, food, food. Birthdays, bridal showers, bonfires, dinner with old friends, lunch with new friends; it never seems to end. Today I was walking around CVS pharmacy and I saw easter candy and "Happy St. Patrick's Day" necklaces and candies and I almost shot myself. I kept thinking...wasn't it Valentine's Day two days ago? When the hell are the holidays going to subside? Sure I'm trying to make smart choices...but you know how "smart" my choices get when there are temptations around. I'm worse than an alcoholic with "one drink". Or maybe about the same. It's like...what "smart" choice? I'll give you a smart choice- reese's peanut butter cups or chocolate cupcakes? The choice is REALLY...which should I have first...
I know I complain at least once a week. I also know I have a great life and I'm "doing great". Here's the thing people: I really REALLY need your help this time around. It's different in my brain from "normally". I need someone to say something motivational to me to really help me find that spark again because I'm concerned it may be gone. I cannot seem to think of one good reason to continue. Well, that's not true; that body that I dream of. But it just seems unrealistic to me; I'm seriously starting to doubt if I can really do this. I considered cancelling my membership to WW today; but I'm not quite ready to do that just yet. I'm scared to do it because even though I might want to quit right now, I don't want to gain any weight back either. I'm still on that fence between being thin/normal and being slightly chubby/overweight. Seriously- if you went by my BMI, I'm 1 pound away from overweight. If I quit WW, I will no longer have to be accountable to anyone. And I need to be held accountable for a short while longer at least because I'm scared....
Help. Please, help.