Today I went to WW to face the music. It wasn't pretty. I didn't want to go; I've been off the wagon since Saturday and nothing in my body wanted to "reboot" (as I've been calling it lately). But I went, hoping it would charge me up. It didn't. I'm up 1/2 pound. Plus I went to a different meeting than usual because I went to Catalina yesterday and missed my normal meeting. I ended up leaving early. I got bored and felt like it was the same crap I've heard every other week. Love myself; make ME a priority; drink my water; blah blah.
I know, I know. 1/2 pound is not bad. It's not the weight gain; seriously. I'm growing tired. Tired of working my ass off. Today I asked myself several times if I should just quit now; if it's "time". Here's the bottom line: I'm scared. I still want to lose 10 more pounds. I know I "look great" and that I'm "small in comparison" to some, but I don't personally feel like I'm where I want to be. I'm not satisfied with me yet. I'm getting there, sure. It's been so relieving to put on clothes that are too big and know that I've lost some and I can feel so much more confident and happier in who I am now vs who I was 15 pounds ago. I can see it in my face, in my arms and legs, and even in my torso a little. I don't feel hideous or disgusting or freakish, as I have in the past. But there are still a lot of things in my closet that I can't wear. There are still days of self hatred as I squeeze into something, only to curse the high heavens as I struggle to get it back off, succumbing to the fact that I won't be wearing that item today. There are still moments of anxiety when guys touch my back or my waist. There are still moments in dressing rooms where I'm torn between ripping the clothes into a pile of shreds or throwing my body against the wall, or breaking down in tears. I'm scared I can't lose the last of the weight that I want to. But these thoughts ARE slowly going away, and getting weaker. I know one day they will be gone if I can make it to goal.
But it's so hard; and I'm so tired. I'm tired of watching everything I eat. I'm tired of feeling like I blew it if I have a few days off. And I'm tired of not seeing the scale move because I had 2 "bad days", or better yet, 2 "bad hours". I don't know what to do because, I feel like...if I could get my act together and really push, I might make it to goal by summer. But after having 2 bad weeks back to back, I'm starting to wonder. Should I just accept myself the way I am and resign from the fight? Part of me thinks- it doesn't sound so bad to just accept myself for where I'm at. I'm not fat, I can do any activities I want to and I'm not restrained in any way from partaking in life. The other part of me screams at myself for giving up so easily, and reminds me that just because I'm not restrained doesn't mean I'm truly happy where I'm at either. I will never be fully confident, fully sexy, or fully happy unless I make it to goal; I know it. Sure, I can give up the fight now...but I'd also be trading in my "dream body". Do I really want to do that?
I need a refresher; a real motivator. No, not a personal trainer that costs me millions. While I would love for a trainer or a new gym or a new diet to happen, let's be honest...I'm too cheap. I won't call Crossfit trainer back because I don't want to dish the money to pay for him. But that makes me ask myself...how are you going to handle this crisis Diz? I always seem to have a hard time from 143 down; I've had this problem in the past. It's not the work outs; it's the diet too. It's getting super hard because I feel like there is no real cushion or room for err. Sure I'm trying new recipes; but I also had some things these last 2 weeks that, even though they were low in points, they weren't necessarily "clean" foods either, and yeah, my body is at that point where it matters what I'm putting into it. I can't just eat something because it's low in points, I now have to watch how healthy and organic it is; if it's the right combination of carbs vs proteins vs fats, etc. Yeah, it really gets to this. I know that's why I haven't lost this week (besides the 2 days of binge).
Plus, none of my friends seem to be on a rampage right now either, so that's also making my life super hard. This whole week is going to be hell. For one thing, I'm so busy, I don't know when I'm going to get all my workouts in. Yeah, right now the workouts aren't even my main concern. I know I can get up earlier to go to the gym. I hate lifting weights; I'm bored to tears with my weight routine. There- I said it. Plus, I'm slammed. I didn't even get home tonight until 11 pm. For another, it's function after function of food, food, food. Birthdays, bridal showers, bonfires, dinner with old friends, lunch with new friends; it never seems to end. Today I was walking around CVS pharmacy and I saw easter candy and "Happy St. Patrick's Day" necklaces and candies and I almost shot myself. I kept thinking...wasn't it Valentine's Day two days ago? When the hell are the holidays going to subside? Sure I'm trying to make smart choices...but you know how "smart" my choices get when there are temptations around. I'm worse than an alcoholic with "one drink". Or maybe about the same. It's like...what "smart" choice? I'll give you a smart choice- reese's peanut butter cups or chocolate cupcakes? The choice is REALLY...which should I have first...
I know I complain at least once a week. I also know I have a great life and I'm "doing great". Here's the thing people: I really REALLY need your help this time around. It's different in my brain from "normally". I need someone to say something motivational to me to really help me find that spark again because I'm concerned it may be gone. I cannot seem to think of one good reason to continue. Well, that's not true; that body that I dream of. But it just seems unrealistic to me; I'm seriously starting to doubt if I can really do this. I considered cancelling my membership to WW today; but I'm not quite ready to do that just yet. I'm scared to do it because even though I might want to quit right now, I don't want to gain any weight back either. I'm still on that fence between being thin/normal and being slightly chubby/overweight. Seriously- if you went by my BMI, I'm 1 pound away from overweight. If I quit WW, I will no longer have to be accountable to anyone. And I need to be held accountable for a short while longer at least because I'm scared....
Help. Please, help.
D
Have you considered 'trying out' this weight for 6 months? You can always decide later on to lose the final 10lb.
ReplyDeleteDo NOT give up!! One meal @ a time! I feel your frustration and that's about the point I'd be @ every time I gave up and jumped off the wagon for about a 15 pound gain and where'd that get me?! Maybe stop focusing so much on the goal and change some things up in your menu and exercise ~ get the spark back ~ get the eye of the tiger ~ then run the race w/o stopping! ;-)
ReplyDeleteOk, so i got half way thru you post and I almost skipped right to the end just to comment right away because you're scary me. But i decided to take a deep breath.. aahhhh ok. DIZ. DON'T QUIT!!! I mean this, you can not quit. You will come out on the other side of this rut I promise because we ALL go through it even when you feel like you're only one its tough for, you're not alone. I have days when I resent having to watch everything I eat when skinny people can just gorge on whatever the hell they feel like, but guess what sister.. thats the hand we've been dealt, and I think that we will become stonger and healthier as a result and we'll appreciate our bodies more because we worked damn hard to get where we are. Please don't give up.. you deserve to be the sexy strong woman you have invisined in your mind. So my only advice is if you feel like you're on overdrive right now.. breathe, reset your clock to zero, recharge your batteries and get back to basics.. buy some new exciting foods.. that always helps me. We're in this for life girlfriend.. the sooner we all accept that the better. I'm just thinking about lifetime at WW this time and no longer having to pay.. but I learned my lesson when I quit a pound away from goal last time.. its not worth. Love ya girl!!! Stay strong!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteDiz,
ReplyDeleteIt is hard; it is so hard, and I totally understand the crossroad where you're standing.
I'm suggesting a short-term challenge that is not measured by a number on the scale. Forget the weight you want to reach and forget any magic math that calculates how long it will take to get to that number. Instead, challenge yourself to eat "on program" for ten days. Set your brain calendar for that. "It's only ten days; I can do this for ten days; I'm strong, and I can do anything for ten days."
Even if you can't exercise because you are too busy or too burnt out, do the "only ten days" on-program challenge. Because you can.
Yes, you can.
i'm certainly nobody to be giving advice on this, but i just want you to know that you've got support here! if you have to look at old pictures of yourself or think about how bad it was when it was "bad," just stop and see with your eyes how far you have come- how much control you have exerted over yourself, even if you haven't been perfect. don't freak out! slow down, and don't think about how long it's gong to take to get where you want to be or how you messed up in the past.
ReplyDeletei know you're worn out with it all- you must be. you have railed like a soldier! you might feel this way now, but, who knows, maybe this time next week, you'll be in the zone. in the larger scheme, these thoughts are fleeting. outlast them!
Thank you guys so so much. I need to hear these things. I need to be reminded why I'm doing this. It IS a looooong process and sometimes I get so impatient. Actually, most of the time I get impatient. :) Thank you so much for the support. I know I can't give up right now, when I'm so close. But I may have to "recharge" and "slow down" for a few days like you guys have suggested. *Sighhhhhh....*
ReplyDeleteWhat do you mean IF you make it to goal? You should be saying WHEN I make it to goal! You've come so far, lost so much and done so great that there's no reason not to continue...we all try to rush things and want to see those number come off the scale (I know I've gotten in the car after weigh in crying and gone why did I f-ing bother to even go to the gym if I just loss ____) but when you add it all up it's like wow, I DID THIS...and I CAN DO IT AGAIN...and AGAIN...and AGAIN til it's gone for good.
ReplyDeleteDiz...It was after I read your post that I wrote mine. I wanted to post a link to mine here for you to encourage you...but didn't want to sound "vain". I'm glad you found it and I'm glad you found some words of encouragement in it. Don't settle for being less than you want to be. You can do it. Just don't stress over it so much. We're all in this together, and although we are both such different sizes, we have the same struggles and emotions to deal with. I find lots of encouragement in your words also. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteOh, Diz! I'm so sorry I missed this post until now! I skimmed your newest post and saw that you've pulled through--I just wanted to add that I'm praying for you. :) and to let you know that I hadn't commented because this post didn't come up on my list. (I've been having trouble delays of posts for awhile.)
ReplyDeleteI think you did hit some of the solutions, tho, when you wrote your post. Especially the look at which foods you eat and which you do not--not just the points. But, then, you know I'm on this "which food" kick.
Try to relax--without calories--but relax. :}
AS far as food events go, I was just saying that to my husband today--and listing them. Thrown in w/ the regular holidays, we have 4 birthdays and an anniversary between Christmas and Easter. Arrrgh. Must everything involve food?
It's tough, Diz, but you've got that fierce girl inside of you. Turn her loose!
Deb
D! I wish I would've seen this earlier. How are you doing with all this now? Think about this: You can give up and gain 15lbs and feel more depressed than last time you were up 15lbs OR keep going and feel the amazing feeling of victory! Maybe just maintain for awhile and get refocused to lose that last 10lbs. That could help you. Switch up your workouts and try eating new things. I know eating clean can be so boring and hard to mix up but stay focused! You look AMAZING! I can't believe how itty bitty you look! WOW! It is so worth it D! You can not give up! I'm always here if you need to talk about it! Love you!
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