So I was driving in the car today talking to my mom on the phone, and she asked me how I've been doing, and how I feel lately. Without thinking I immediately blurted out, "I feel like crap." As the words left my mouth, I started thinking about what I meant by that. Did I really feel like crap? I went further to explain to my mom, "I haven't had a chance to go grocery shopping since I've been home from OK, so I've been eating out EVERY MEAL. I also haven't worked out since before I left for OK. And I'm not getting enough sleep." She was silent (I'm sure the phone was cutting out), but then I told her, "as soon as B and L leave, I'm going grocery shopping. I've GOT to get a grip and get back on the wagon." We talked for a few minutes more, and then my phone died. Well, I had another 30 minutes in the car, so I started thinking about this whole exchange. I was surprised that I knew that I was feeling crappy...I wasn't cognitively aware of this before I said it. So I started thinking about my journey and how I've gotten to where I am and how I still have 10 pounds I want to lose.
And then I had this realization: "This is what weight loss is, Diz. A series of attempts and failures, followed by getting up and recommitting again. Persistence. The more you do it, the more success you see." Let me rephrase that in case it didn't hit you like it suddenly hit me: The more you get up and re-dedicate yourself to your journey, the more success you will see. Most of us eventually give up on 'getting back up' because we get frustrated with ourselves. We fall and we get angry that we've fallen, so we give up. But I've lost weight thus far because I have gotten back up when I've failed. And right now happens to be one of those times- I need to get up again.
I know this may be pretty obvious to everyone else, but for some reason, I've forgotten how it works, or it never dawned on me exactly, I'm not quite sure.
So I think that's what next month's goal is going to be. Getting back to the basics. Drinking my water. Eating my fruits and veggies. Taking my vitamins. Getting in my oils. Watching my fats. Tracking. Watching how much I eat out. Working out every day again. Getting back to the basics. I've been so caught up in Fat Flush and trips and friends coming to visit and dates and work and everything else that I've moved away from pretty much everything except drinking water (for some reason I've really held to the water thing). I mean, don't get me wrong, I've had a few days here and there where I was good. But overall, I've really been lax. And it's true, I DO feel gross. I feel sloppy. But the good news is, I can change these things again. I can feel stronger, happier, more fit, because I can workout, watch my diet, and get back on it!
And I can start whenever I want! AS I've been saying the last few weeks, I do want to be healthy and strong. I do want to eat good healthy foods that are light and nutritious for my body. I do want to workout and be 'that girl'. I honestly like being healthy and happy. I mean it, I've worked really hard to change my mindset and feel good about treating my body with respect and like I really care about it. Because I do care about my body and I do care about how I feed it and treat it. I want it to last, I want it to work properly. I want to be proud of my body and have other people perceive it respectfully.
So I will work on becoming "her" once again...after all, eventually she's going to be 'here' more than sloppy, out of shape Diz is. She's who I want to be; she's who I work towards becoming and being. She's AWESOME, IN SHAPE, BEAUTIFUL, SUCCESSFUL DIZ. And she is me. She is inside of me; we are the same person; and I can be her consistently.
Until that day though, I'm ok with dusting myself off and getting up and trying again.