Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Update #2

It's funny, sometimes you think that you've overcome something, and then things happen, and you realize you really haven't overcome anything at all.  Who cares that you lost some poundage.  That nasty monster inside of you was only hibernating, unbeknownst to you...

It's funny because just last night I was reading some other blogs with a little pity in my heart for what people were going through.  I thought to myself, oh- that's such a shame.  She hasn't quite grasped how to beat this yet.  I'm so glad I'm over that hump and making progress...Ha.  Today I proved myself wrong.  I haven't gotten over any hump.  I've been so stressed with this housing crap that I went to Souplantation and gorged myself for lunch today.  Don't worry, as I'm typing this out, my stomach is cramping so hard that I'm having a hard time breathing and/or sitting up straight.

I proceeded to eat my whole salad, with all the fixins (with pasta and ranch...which means it really wasn't that healthy)...and then hit up the carb bar.  I had 2 different pasta's; one mac and cheese and one with lemon sauce and capers.  I had their new lemon zest muffins.  I had their new lemon mousse (it's lemon month or something at Souplantation right now).  And ice cream.  And chocolate sauce.  I just kept eating and eating...

I knew I was full.  I was full before I even finished the salad.  Half way through the ice cream I had to stop for a minute and take a breather, because I was so full.  But as soon as I was able, I pressed on.  I didn't care that I was so full.  This wasn't about what my body was feeling- it was about stuffing the emotions down.  But they wouldn't stuff down.  The food/binge didn't make me feel better.  The first few bites brought me a fleeing blip of gratification...but it was a hollow gratification that I knew doesn't compare to the gratification I've been feeling this last week as I've received so many pats on the back and compliments on how much better I'm looking.  And the blips didn't last either...they were quickly followed by disgust as I continued to stuff my face.  I sat there, loathing myself, and eating.  As I chewed I cussed myself out under my breath.  Then I took another bite, and did the whole thing again.  People watched as I made my rounds to the carb bar.  I went back 3 or 4 times (lost count); I could feel their eyes on me as I kept sliding in and out of my little booth- cussing them all out under my breath too.  Why were they all watching me- couldn't they just eat their lunches and mind their own business?  I'm busy here...

The other problem is that I feel so alone in this whole mess.  Remember the days when you would binge in secret and afterwards not only feel disgusted with'd also feel so alone and isolated?  I mean, on one hand you were so happy no one saw what you just did, but only because it was so disgusting.  And then afterwards you started to realize that that 'happiness' was really just emptiness- and you really just felt alone and sad that no one knew.  No one understood what you were doing to yourself or what you were going through.  The loneliness is what gets me the most.  I don't want to tell anyone what I've done; partly because of shame, and partly because there is no one to tell.  I kept going through my phone to call someone to talk to about the stress of what is happening, and there is no one I could call.  My mom was busy at work so she denied my call; and other than her..everyone else is busy and I feel so detached and like I've drifted off and no one has noticed.

At this point, I know this week is destroyed.  I've been hovering anyway- not really digging into my weight loss this week because I've been distracted with going to look at places to live and trying to work things out for certain people to live with me, so I haven't been focused like I should be.  I've only worked out once- yesterday I went for a 6 mile run and it felt sooo good because it was the first time in 3 days that I worked out.  I just pounded it out on the pavement and then came home and crashed hard in my bed (hence no post-I was too exhausted to even open my computer).  I'm still going to have to work hard this week but it's seriously just to keep the gain to a minimum at this point.

What's even better is that Dan wants to go to dinner tonight.  I've tried to offer up other options for us to do, but he seems set on dinner.  I can't have a huge dinner after my lunch fiasco.  Just more stress to add to the mix.

Someone please tell me to relax and that this will all be over soon.  Tell me to find things to be happy about again because seriously I've lost which way is up and which way is down in this black hole of stress/death.  I don't know anything except that I want this hell to be over.



  1. Relax. This really will all soon be over. There truly are so many things to be happy for. Be happy that you know you slipped up, that you are human and we all do things we regret. Be happier that you will pick yourself right up and get back on the wagon. Go back to the scene of the crime next time but plan what you are going to eat ahead of time. They usually have a variation of the same things. Stick to your plan.

    Go easy on yourself, Diz. Who knows, the scale might have been looking the other way!

    Ok first, you RAN 6 MILES. Girl that is amazing right there. You are awesome.

    Binges suck rocks. Every time I think I'll never have one again, go for months, then, grrrr. I honestly still have hope I'll get past that, but for now, all we can do is take a deep breath, know we are worth better, and move forward making better choices.

    You are not alone.

  3. Well, obviously, you are not alone. I assume my post was one of the ones you read that made you feel bad for the writer. chuckle. If not, check it out. It's called, "Eating my words & Ravioli, too." sigh.

    It's a terrible feeling--that feeling after the binge. But, in a way, it's progress. I mean we now know it wasn't fun before we're even done instead of tomorrow morning. We've spoiled our fun, and that's a good thing.

    Some stressful situations certainly provoke more internal panic than others. I'd say your housing situation is one of those. It WILL work out, but it IS scarey.

    Remember, God is in control; nothing catches Him by surprise, and He wants your best.

    Reread some of your posts. So many of them are full of insight and wisdom--and descriptions of the things you love about your life. And that 6 mile run is nothing to sneer at!

    you are loved, feirce girl--binge or no.


  4. Relax Diz! It will all be over soon.. ebbs & flows baby girl. I recommend going thru your old posts and find one where you're really feeling on top the world and try to remember how good it felt... and know that you will be there again.. soon. You know, I should have the opposite reaction but when I hear you talk about your binges I just wish I was there eating with you..hahahahaha clearly I would not be a good influence. love ya gf xo

  5. Alright Diz - that's it - I challenge you (like I've done with other bloggers before) to make your next blog be a huge grateful list...and not just the obvious things like I have food to eat, I have a roof over my head but soul searching things you are grateful for. YOU are amazing. YOU are inspiring on your best day and compassionate on your worst day. Keep reaching out - you are not alone - unless you let yourself be. WE can fill what is empty in you if you let us - so keep searching. Keep hurts, it sucks...but the only way you get to the prize at the end is to go through the shit first - and it makes the prize all that much better. If it was easy - we'd all weigh 100 lbs and eat chocolate every day. This journey is hard. You cannot have a good day every day - because then my friend - what would you learn and how would friends like us show you we are here for you on days you feel like this? We love you - all of you - every flaw and every beautiful thing you are. Keep on keeping on.......smooches.

  6. I love me some stalkers...totally off topic but seriously I hate odd numbers and for days now my follower number has been at 199 and it laughs at me, taunts me - because I hate odd numbers and I hate 9s. So if you're a good stalker you'll find me just one more follower who is willing to pretend to read my blog so I can stop having a panic attack. Whew - this was supposed to be about you wasn't it? See I kinda suck as a friend. YOU however - rock at it. Seriously - on days like this when you don't believe in yourself - that's fine - I'll believe in you enough for both of us. Mmmmkkkaaay??? Smooches!

  7. Thank you Josie. I love you.

  8. I'm sorry to hear about your stress and the fall from grace into the pasta bar, but you will survive this! You definitely know that you're stuffing the emotions, and that it's not working.

    Not a disaster, just a delay. Breathe and collect your thoughts. Give yourself a break. It's tough out there, and you're right, there are times we are doing it completely alone. And, overall, you're doing awesomely. I admire you for being so independent. HUGS!

  9. D, I'm sorry you're having a rough patch and I completely understand! Just remember tomorrow is over and we can't change what happened. But we can start fresh today. You are strong! You will get through this!

  10. This too shall pass! While yesterday may have sucked, tomorrow is a brand new day and a brand new opportunity to make the good choices. Try not to beat yourself up for the have come too far for that!

  11. Sweetie - the Chicago bloggie meet-up is the last weekend in September? Are you following the BOOBS blog? Can you make it????