Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I found what I lost..

I just had a realization/epiphany.

I know this is going to shock you.  You're going to read this and think: DUH.  But let me defend myself by saying, up until right now, I haven't realized.  I honestly just forgot.

As many of you know- in the past I've done more extreme forms of dieting.  I've done intense diets, and I've done even more intense workouts.  Intense work outs I can live with- intense dieting I can not.  However, I tend to expect the same results, regardless of whether I'm intensely dieting or not. Does that make sense?

At 142...I have to quit expecting to see big drops on my scale every week.  A pound is a pound.  If I only "lose" one, I hope I never find that one again.  It seems I find and lose the same 5 pounds over and over, like I consistently lose and find my keys.  I work and work, lose those 5, and then get frustrated that things aren't moving as quickly as I'd like or as quickly as they "used" to, and I get pissed and say "forget it all, bring on death by chocolate" and give up and give in; Resulting in another 5 pound "find".

By Friday of the weekend last week- I was down 2 pounds from Monday.  Friday I decided I wanted some pizza for lunch.  I had been dieting hard all week, what's one meal?  Friday night, I went to the taco stand with some friends after surfing.  I had a big fat bean burrito with sour cream and extra cheese.  I reasoned that "Friday was my day off" as I sipped on a Juicy Whip (orange julius...calorie laden type of drink).  The Juicy Whip made my stomach hurt.  Saturday and Sunday became days off too.  I had a wedding reception on Saturday night and a BBQ on Sunday.  Yesterday when I weighed in for the Biggest Loser challenge I'm in (yes it's STILL GOING ON...3 weeks to go), I was up a pound from last Monday.  So we're looking at 3 pounds in 3 days.  I was furious.  I thought to myself, "But I ran 26.5 miles last week!  I ate so healthy all week!  Why do I have such a weird/stupid body that can't handle it?  UGH I HATE my body."  And I continued to mull over it with some chocolate and ice cream.  Someone called me to go work out.  "I'm still sick" I argued while stuffing a twix in my mouth.  Someone else called me to work out.  "FINE!" I finally conceded.  But I only agreed to go because this guy that wanted to go for a run isn't in shape, so I knew the "run" we were going to go on would be easy.  It was.  1.5 miles and I didn't even break a sweat.  I had to keep slowing down so he could keep up.  I was bugged because again, I have this tendency to think- "go big or go home", and why waste my time on a little 1.5 mile run?  I run 6 miles on a regular basis!  1.5 does NOTHING for me.  But lucky for me, this time it was enough to snap me out of the sugar cloud I've been dazed in for 3 days...

And then today I had the realization.  I was on another blog, reading about someone else's frustrations, and she said, "Over eating is not an option."  And I thought- wow.  WOW.  What have I been doing to myself?  Why is everything do or die with me?  What if I had not stuffed three little baggies full of candy to sneak home from the wedding reception?  What if I had actually worked out on Saturday instead of trying to get over my little sickness?  I am at 142!  I cannot continue to act like a whole weekend does not matter in this battle.  I cannot continue to be "do or die" all the time and expect permanent results.  Or any results for that matter...and I cannot think that only a pound down or only half a pound down doesn't matter or isn't enough.  IT IS.

At this point in the game, the weight is probably going to come off slower than in the past.  And I am going to have to work harder.  Yes, I ran 26.5 miles last week.  So what.  I need to do it again this week or by the end of the week I could easily be at 144 pounds instead of 142.  And all of these pity parties have got to end.  They're detrimental to my progress.  I could've been under 140 this week if I had been in control.  I was at 140.8 on Friday morning.  Instead I made excuses about wanting to have a day off.  1 day turned into 4.  

I know that none of this is new to you guys.  It's really not new to me either.  But I think at different points of our lives, we re-learn things we already knew, because in that moment they matter to our progress and our situation.  I have got to keep focused and remember that I CAN lose 5 more pounds, instead of losing 2 more than gaining 5 back.  I just have to stay focused.  I have to remember that every little thing DOES matter.  And I have to accept that this is a way of life- not do or die.  My all or nothing mentality has GOT to change...or I can expect to be back here again. 142.  Not the worst place to be, and yet not my favorite place to be.



  1. You know, I had my own epiphany on Monday. And it seemed so NEW to me.

    In part, it was in that it was a deeper awareness. More of a truth settled in my heart than knowledge in my head--but the fact was, it was knowledge I've read before, said before--I guess just didn't really believe it deeply before.

    I can tell you had the same kind of thing.

    My light bulb moment is recorded in my Monday personal update post about accepting normal eating as a pleasurable, normal, no need for guilt thing and different from self-medicating which IS harmful and to be avoided.

    I know, not new news. chuckle. Except to me right now. :D

    Congrats on your own light bulb moment!


  2. Diz I get caught up in the all or nothing attitude all the time, but it is the little things that effect everything so much! And your an intense person too so its just part of your big personality. But trying to make little changes is so important. A friend of mine gave me an idea and I think that it may work for you too. You know those cheats like not working out or eating item x...what happened if you started wearing a hair-tie or bracelet on your wrist for those little indiscretions... cause then you have a visual of where you at and if you have one or two on your wrist its not so bad but once you start piling up like 5 or 6 you see that things are starting to go hay wire. And it will help you connect what you are doing to your self...much love Diz and I can't wait for you to be at your goal!

  3. It seems like so many blogs I'm visiting are saying the same thing.. people are in the dumps and trying to get back on track. I am finding that myself.. is it the time of year? I thought summer was supposed to make us feel wonderful, not shitty. Well maybe its just in the air.. but we'll all get out of this funk! We're here to support each other and that won't change. Love ya sister.. you will get back on track because you're amazing.. I'll never be the runner you are and I envy you that! love ya xoxox

  4. I know, I know - isn't it true? If we just would stay on track we'd be at goal already...it seems so simple doesn't it? It's a work in progress - if it was easy no one in this world would be overweight. You keep rocking on - and keep on inspiring...loves you.

  5. All of that running that you do, it would seem you could eat what you want and still lose weight. So unfair that it doesn't work that way!But, now you know, and you can make adjustments if you want to break that barrier.

    "Overeating is not an option." We need T-shirts!

  6. I am so right there with you right now. I keep gaining and losing the same 5 pounds too. It's all my eating. My workouts rock, but then I'm hungrier, then I'm frustrated I'm not losing fast enough, them I'm eating junk with a who cares attitude. Repeat. I have figured out however how to maintain, lol. OK, not good. Focusing on my eating, hopeful.

  7. Oh Diz... you're at 142lbs and I'm at 142kgs, yet it's the same story. I've lost and gained the same 2-3kg over the past few months - it just seems to go around in circles. Until there is a deeper awareness and we move again. It's all so very fascinating!! As long as we don't give up, we're still on the journey and we will eventually get there. Does it really need to be a race?

  8. Diz, I don't want to tell you it's OKAY to binge. It isn't. But you are an active, beautiful woman with a seemingly nice social life. Enjoy yourself. Make the BEST choices you can in any circumstance you find yourself in. It's the "guilt" that destroys most often. You're maintaining your weight loss. This is awesome! You're holding yourself accountable and not allowing TOO much weight to sneak back on. Your monitoring your weight and analyzing your eating habits. Really Diz....you're doing great!

  9. I'm glad you had this epiphany Diz. :) You're beautiful and awesome...just keep moving forward. Hey..I compare myself to the tortoise all the time..the tortoise won the race so it's not a bad place to be. :)

    Do great today babes..=)

  10. Aww...your A-ha! moment.

    Those are the best. Keep rockin' it Diz - you are so inspirational!!

  11. I could identify with this post. I am very close to my goal weight and I seem to be constantly doing the one step forward one step back diet dance. Sigh. I love how you say we have to re-learn things.