Saturday, July 24, 2010

Trying to reconnect...

Well, I'm sick.  I'm calling it.  I woke up this morning with even more of a sore throat and drainage.  While I don't "feel" sick, I am still not hungry at all.  I'm just going to rest in order to kick this thing.  I think it was the hot tub for 2 hours last night, after surfing.  UGH.

UGH because I really wanted to do a far/long run today.  I'm sure I could push it out of me if I wanted to, but I want more than that to get over this little bug that is trying to take over me.

So last night was surfing, tacos, and hot tub for me and a few friends.  I'm posting some pics so you can see the beauty of where I live and be jealous. :)

Afterwards, we ended up in the hot tub for a million hours.  As we talked, I started thinking about myself and my life.  I feel like something in my life is lacking lately.  For example, just look at my blog.  I merely get on here, give you a quick update, and then move on.  Remember months ago when my posts were so long it was ridiculous?  Or if you go back to the beginning, my posts had feeling.  I was spilling my guts out to you guys; now I just type and go.  So in the hot tub last night, we started talking about these great guys that live here that are basically perfect men, but they never get married and settle down because they can't really connect with anyone anymore.  They don't know how- it's been too long.  They 're so used to being such achievers and doing things on their own and being alone for so long that I think the ability to really connect and really depend on someone else has left them and they either don't realize it, or don't think it's such a bad thing.  I'm starting to wonder if this is happening to me.  I'm not nearly as social as I used to be.  I was complaining to a friend about it the other day, that I never get invited to little gatherings anymore, and she was like- but Diz, it's because you never go.  You used to be invited to everything- you never go.  And it's true!  I'm losing that connection with other people.  And part of me doesn't care; the other part of me does it on purpose because it's "safe".  The only reason I do care is because I see what it does to other people and it makes me sad for them, and I realize I don't want to end up like that.

But how do you connect with other people?  I mean really, truly, deeply connect?

I think about that training we had for work a few weeks ago.  The lady leading the training was talking about the pyramid of communication.  She said the bottom rung, or foundation of the pyramid, is ritual.  Right?  We shake each others hand, we say, "Hi my name is Diz, nice to meet you." etc.  That's one of our cultural rituals.  It's the first thing you do when you meet someone new.  The next step up, which ritual leads to- is small talk.  "How are you?  Nice to meet you (ritual statement; we're transitioning here from ritual to small talk).  So what do you do?"  We ask small, safe questions because we're seeking information.  By gathering information, we're able to start looking for the anything that will lead to the third step: connection.  That's where you find things that you have in common, and once you've found what you having in common, you're able to connect with the person and get past surface communication to a deeper level: trust.  Once you connect you start to build trust, and a "real" relationship.
This is where I seem to be stuck.  I feel uncomfortable sometimes, trying to push past small talk.  It feels nosy, or rude to push past small talk.  Sometimes I get irritated with people when they try to push past this level with me.  Is this normal?  Is this how our society is now?  Or is it just me?  Is it my little single mormon culture that I live in- where everyone is trying to be polite and appear perfect, and really we're all just alone?



  1. No, I definitely feel that way too! I think, at least for me, I huge part of it is the fact that I'm not in college anymore. It's so easy to find a connection with people when you have so many things in common. Now that I've graduated, it takes a lot more effort to make friends, especially when I don't run into them on campus all the time! I also think that for most people, when they get older they tend to have fewer, but better friends. Maybe? Or I'm just pulling this out of my ass, who knows!!

  2. This comment got way too long. I copied my answer and am putting it in a email to you.

    On a different subject--you look so thin in your picture! THIN, I tell you.


  3. I was only thinking about this very same thing about 1/2 hour ago whilst driving. Most people I know seem so shallow and I agree with the comment 2 up from me that it takes effort. Perhaps, in this fast paced world where we are so busy *doing stuff*, we forget that it's the connections we make in life that are far more satisfying and rewarding than any stuff we *do*.

    But, of course, making connections involves taking risks - the risk of showing who we really are and then also the risk of rejection. I could go on forever, but you probably get my gist.

    And I also agree that you're looking very slim and gorgeous!!

  4. Great post....I miss the deep long posts too but it sounds like you are figuring it out...hang in there...and keep soul searching.

  5. Alot of us put up safety nets around us. And yes part of it is society to be independent. I miss your long posts :) I have been a slacker too :) but we will get back into the groove

  6. Hi Diz,

    Sorry to hear you're not feeling 100%. You sure look AMAZING! Really!

    And, you pose some interesting, deep questions.

    I can tell you that the elementary school years with my son were like going back to high school for me. Trying to blend in with the "perfect" moms was awful. Such superficiality should be outlawed.

    Not so bad, currently, with the parents in Sonny's high school. For one thing, we all have teenagers to constantly remind us of how imperfect we are!

    IMO, we seem to get more real and able to make more actual connections as we get older, probably because we've survived bad things that humbled us.

    You're at an age when careers are so important and your peers are still trying to figure out who they are and what they're supposed to be doing. I think you're ahead of the maturity curve if you've arrived at the feelings and conclusions that you've stated. Further, if you decide to put yourself out there more, I think you'd get some great results!

  7. I have had too many of these conversations in the past week. Starting a new job is all about having to make small talk with everyone I meet. Sometimes I wish we could just skip over into personal where I feel much more comfortable with people.

    ps - your pics are beautiful!! who's the guy??