Sunday, August 15, 2010

These are my Confessions...

****Warning: This is going to be a long post- sorry- working out some issues mentally. ;)****

Yesterday NR and I were cleaning out the garage to create space for one of us to actually park one of our cars in it and I came across a box with a bunch of old pictures in it.  I was flipping through the pictures, reminiscing of a wonderful time about 8 years ago when my sister and I were gallivanting around Europe- not having a care in the world.  My sister, has lost about 50-60 pounds since then.  I have lost about 10-15.  My roommate and I kept laughing about how, other than my hideous hair, I look the exact same.  And then I came across this picture:   

Please excuse the blurriness of the picture, I had to take a picture of the picture because I don't have a scanner. :)  My sister snapped this picture at the Eiffel Tower- we were climbing the stairs (was it 84 flights?) because we were too "in shape" to use the elevators...hahahaha.

This picture stirred up something inside me.

Now, this is my blog, so I can write what I want.  In the beginning, this blog was here to be a safe haven for me to write about my fears and my struggles in regards to weight loss.  Over the last year it's changed and morphed and changed again, and I don't write my fears or struggles as much, but they're still here with me. 

I've been thinking a lot about this picture and I realized something today.  Up until today I've always considered myself to be a pretty fit girl, who occasionally needs to lose a few pounds.  I've struggled to get those few pounds off during the last few years.  Even the "About me" section of this blog describes me as this fit girl who moved to CA and gained a little, but wants to get back to 'who I was'.  

And then I find this picture.  This is me at 24-ish?  I wasn't fit, "in shape", thin, or skinny.  No, I wasn't fat; I wasn't obese.  But I wasn't who I picture myself to be in my mind.

I remember my freshman year in High School when I started running Cross Country. I remember several occasions where my friends and even my mother mentioned to me more than once that all that running was "changing my shape and my body".  All of the "cottage cheese" was leaving my thighs and butt, my mom told me.  It wasn't something she was congratulating me on- she could care less.  My mother has never cared either way; she's loved me regardless of my size and always will.  But I wasn't a thin teenager; even when I was running Cross Country.  I remember coming home from practice once and finishing off a whole tub of ice cream.  Did I have an eating disorder?  No.  Was I eating emotionally because I was a forlorn teen?  Maybe but I doubt it.  No, I ate it because I was in the mood for something cold after a hot run.  I never learned how to control my portions or how to be healthy.  I grew up in a house where there were no rules; you could eat whatever you wanted whenever you wanted and you didn't have to work out if you didn't want to.  In fact, the more I think about it- the more things like "working out" weren't really a part of our world.  I mean, sure, we knew what it was.  But my mother never did it.  My father never did it.  No one actually worked out until I decided to run Cross Country, and when I signed up for it, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  I quit the next year.  

My siblings and I were never told we were fat and that we needed to work out like some of my friends have told me their mothers would tell them.  I honestly never knew I was overweight.  I was just close enough to normal that I wasn't hindered in any way.  I still ran around with the most beautiful girls; always have.  Even though I was always chubby, I was still able to have fun and meet boys and do whatever it was that my friends were doing.  I've been thankful in the past when other girls have told me horrific stories of how their mothers would ground them unless they ran or worked out.  It's pretty standard, according to my friends (that their mothers would put them on diets or tell them to work out or whatever).  Part of the reason there were no rules in our house is because my mother was on a diet, thanks to my grandmother, since she was 4.  Now I wonder how I will raise my children when it's my turn.  I want them to learn to be healthy; while I would never want my child to feel bad about him or herself, I also feel it's my responsibility to teach my hypothetical child that there are boundaries and consequences for their choices and actions.  

That sentence right there- "I was always chubby", is the one that I'm finally admitting to myself tonight.  For some reason, for the last 10+ years, I've never admitted it.  I've known deep down; but I didn't want to admit I have weight problems.  I've always convinced myself, and tried to convince everyone else, that I'm someone who was/is in shape with just a few pounds to lose.  But that's not true; I have weight issues.  Not horrific weight issues; I don't hate myself or loathe my life.  But for some reason I just realized that in order for me to ever be truly successful at being thin- I have to admit and recognize my problems and my weaknesses.  I will never be the thin girl that doesn't have to work out and doesn't have to watch what she eats.  It's just not in the cards for me.  I hate it, but as I sit here and think about it, I don't know why I idolize girls like that.  But I always have.

I complained about all of this to my sister tonight on the phone.  I love my sister more than everything in the whole world- which means that is a LOT.  :)  You know what she said to me, in a way that only a sister can?  That I can not begin blaming my family life or the way I was raised for the choices I am making right now.  Of course it may be a little harder sometimes because eating whatever I want has always been my way of life.  Even though I understand eating healthy, I have still not embraced it as a lifestyle change (again- first time to honestly admit this to myself.  Wow- all kinds of truth is really seeping to the surface when I let it). I am a grown woman now that lives away from home- and I can make my own choices.  I don't need to painfully remember or discover that I've always been a chubster.  Instead I can recognize that...that is my past.  My future is my choice.  I may need to work a little harder- but my sister especially has proven to me that it can be done.  She has lost just under 80 pounds.  I am not destined to hold on to these last 20 pounds forever.  It is not my fate to have no control and no strength when it comes to losing weight.  But I have GOT to start being honest with myself.  I can do it.  And I can lose these damn 20 pounds.

I'm not trying to label myself either.  'Oh wo is me...I'm a chubby girl'- No.  I'm just trying to accept that I wasn't and am still not this chick I've always imagined I was/am.  So what though?  Instead I'm trying to find a new way to resolve an old problem.  Maybe if I just uncover and accept my issues I can change them.  Maybe it will help me to love myself more.  I know I can get intense (obviously).  But sometimes intensity works- and I need it to stay focused on what I'm doing.  This is real for me.  Raw.  Honest.  I'm kind of scared to publish this post, if you really want to know the truth.

I talked to a girl at my church today who is just starting to become a personal trainer- she has no clients yet.  She is going to start training me and she has sworn up and down that Cross Fit will get me into the best shape of my life (it did her anyway).  I admitted to her (again- a first) that I feel like I have been in a rut for several years now.  I either run, or occasionally lift weights- but the weight routine is so old that I cannot force myself to do it longer than 2 weeks at best.  I'm bored to tears with it.  And while I love running- it's not really bringing me the results I want.  She promises to shake things up- and even wrote on my facebook wall tonight that she has already planned my first work out. Eeek!  I'm scared but excited.

It is NOT my destiny to be chubby forever.

"sometimes our vulnerability is our strength, our fears develop courage, and our woundedness is the road to our integrity."



  1. This may not be what you want to hear, but you were adorable back in the day, according to that picture! Even though it's a photo of a photo, your love of life shines through, and that's your greatest gift that you share freely.

    Many of us can look back and see where we didn't get the tools to be thin and fit from our childhood. Yes, it sucks, and my life would be so much easier with lifelong healthy habits.... but I didn't get those cards either.

    So, you are not alone by any means. I admire you for your tenacious spirit because you obviously do not have to lose weight to make friends or to get boyfriends. Your magnetic personality draws 'em in.

    You want to improve yourself, your future life, and your future children's lives, which is why you will succeed. I think it's a great decision to train with your church friend; I expect to read great results. HUGS, Diz! I always find you to be so inspiring!

  2. I think this post was great. I can totally empathize (sp?) with you on how you've viewed/labeled your former self. Although I've always been athletic, I've also never been the fittest, healthiest person that I've wanted & imagined to be. My food choices & excess way of eating have help to proliferate the problem of these extra 20 #'s. Good luck to us both. If you don't read her currently, check out Keelie has a nice way of adding her faith into her weighloss journey. You got this girl.

  3. Great post and thank you for sharing your journey through your thoughts with us. It's inspiring to be able to admit something you've (and most of us) fought for so long.

    I have to say, though, I don't see a chubby girl in that picture. I see a very healthy very real girl in that picture who looks like she can do whatever she wants to do. I see a beautiful girl in that picture.

    I always thought, when looking at pictures of myself at 16, at 18, at 20, at 22, at 24...that I was chubby. It's been in the last two or so years that I've realized the opposite. I wasn't. I wasn't as skinny as some, but I was healthy and, to me, now, perfect for me. I had a 26" waist and wore size 8. It's hard to know what ideal is. I think, if I may be so bold, that maybe you might be being too hard on yourself. You are absolutely beautiful in that picture.

  4. You speak to me! I love reading what you write and I can totally relate to so much of it. I sat here nodding and agreeing with you all the way through this post and I think you are brave and incredibly strong for putting it out there.

    My road is so much longer than yours but not any harder. What ever our journey is, it is ours. I only know you through your blog but I want to put my hands on your shoulders and tell you that you can do this.

    Read 2Ne.2:24 and then read Ether2:27. This is how I get through most days. Knowing that He knows... this is MY path and I will be better for it.

    I am sorry my blog is private. It is hard to think of putting so much that is personal and painful on the internet. I am needing to be more brave, like you.

    Thank you for writing and for sharing it with the world. You are amazing!

  5. Chuckle. I dunno, Diz. I was way off base in where I thought this post was going to go. chuckle.

    I looked at your cute little picture and thought two things almost simultaneously--1. Oh, she looks so happy and full of life and 2. She was so tiny and cute. This must be her "I wish I still looked like I did when I was younger" picture.

    What a surprise to discover, as I read along, that this adorable picture was your evidence that you were always chubby! :o lol. I was so surprised, I scrolled back up and took another look at the picture, then reread the post. huh.

    So, for what it's worth, I think that you were always cute. ! And your lively personality shows.

    I understand wanting to lose a few pounds if you have a lump or two that isn't supposed to be there, tho. In that regard--you've hung in there even tho it's been a hard struggle and are determined to do it. That tenacity will allow you to win at this weight loss thing.

    I've been coming across a word the last couple of days that your post reminded me of--and that word is, "relentless". You have decided to be relentless in seeking your goal of weight loss. You're going to do it. We both are.

    I am compelled to add--I can be good like this, I know--In your pursuit of the sleek body, please don't overlook the fact that you already posses a wonderful zest--and are just plain CUTE!

    I even liked your original dark hair!


  6. Hey Diz, I agre with all the comments above. I, too, thought this was going tobe a blog about how you wish you still looked like you did way back when. You looked gorgeous then and you look fabulous now. Looking at your Battle Pic of the Month, I wonder where you could even lose 20lbs from? We can even see your throat, which I can only ever see on very slim people. Personally, I think you need to start with loving and appreciating the body you have right here and now. I *dare* you to find 5 things - different things every day - that you appreciate about your body as it is. Have fun with it!!

  7. Diz I agree that you have to deal with your weight issue, and chubby or not that issue will stay with you as long as you let it. I grew up on diets and I know regardless, societies pressure is enough to crush even the waif-est of girls, But if you keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results, you are fooling no one. I know how amazing you are and even with an extra few pounds u ARE beautiful. I want you to come to peace with your self, so when you reach ur goal your happy with U, not just the number on the scale. I am working on it too. Its not easy chicha. But i know your strong enough to do it!

  8. Maybe I love you too much but I see a gorgeous not overweight girl in that pic. I hope this post helps you certainly has touched all of us who follow you. Love you girl.

  9. It looks like everyone has already said what I would have said so I'll just say you're're not destined to be the way you don't want to be. You have the power to make the choices you want to make.

    You have a wonderful life Diz, and it's going to keep getting better. I can't wait to hear how it goes with the new trainer!

    Talk soon lovey..