Monday, September 20, 2010

The Dreaded Single.

I feel like crying right now.

I'm not sure why.  I feel unsettled- but honestly, there is no reason.  My stomach hurts a little too- I'm sure that the coke zero and WW frozen meal coupled with frito's and sour cream weren't the best choices for lunch- but they were fast and I was starving and I'm feeling crappy right now.  I feel a little guilty for eating that crap for lunch- especially after watching that movie yesterday...(I know it was a crap lunch to have) but whatever.

I just feel lonely right now.  Not lonely as in- my life.  Lonely as in- I need a man.  My brother in law texted me to see when I was coming in this week and we got to chatting and he sent me this really sweet text that asked if I was dating anyone recently.  I said no and he said not to worry, I'd find someone soon.  He was so sweet and kind but I think that is what set me off on this spiral.  I feel like everyone throws out that generic sympathy statement over the last few years when they don't know what to say.  "Don't worry D, you'll find someone soon."  Don't worry D, I don't know what to say to you.  I don't know why you're still single, or I don't know how to tell you why I think you're still single.  Every time I go home now it's different because both of my siblings are in serious relationships- my sister is married and my brother is engaged to a girl he's been with for 3 or 4 years.

My friend and I were talking about it yesterday and she asked if it's hard to go home and be around my family since all of my siblings are younger than me and all married (or engaged) and I told her the truth- yes, it gets hard sometimes.  I love my family so much and I'm always so excited to see them- but sometimes it's very obvious that I'm still single.  Like at Christmas two years ago- it was Christmas Eve (MY birthday), and we ordered a pizza and all went into the living room to watch movies and hang out.  We were all laughing and joking around in the kitchen and then we popped in a movie and everyone settled in the living room with their pizza.  I was happily eating my pizza from the recliner when I looked up and noticed my sister and her husband all snuggled up under a blanket on one couch, whispering and giggling.  Then I noticed my brother and his girlfriend all snuggled up under another blanket on the other couch, doing the same thing.  I was sitting all alone on a chair in the corner unnoticed and it really stung once it set in what was happening.  They don't do it on purpose- they are just being themselves and being happy and being in love, and I would never want to take what they have away from any of them.  It's not their faults that I'm single.  I'm just overly sensitive to it I guess because here in CA- in never never land- all of my friends are single too- so I don't have to face all of that.  If people get into relationships around here- they go off into some other relationship land and leave the rest of us singles alone.  Married and relationship people don't want to be around singles; and singles don't want to be around married people- that's just the way it is, let's be honest.  

I asked my bro in law if he thought I was too picky and he sweetly said, "No comment. :)  But you should be picky!  I was picky and I found your sister and look how lucky I am- you should definitely hold out and be picky."  I agree with him- that I should hold out for the right guy- but I don't think I'm that picky.  Trust me, I've given a LOT of dirt bags a chance that didn't deserve it.  How do you explain to people the pain that can be associated with being single sometimes?  How do you help them feel less uncomfortable by your single-ness?  It's obvious to me that I make people uncomfortable sometimes; whether it's a married woman that is insecure because her husband works in my office (which I can't even help) or whether it's loved ones who don't know how to console me...I make people uncomfortable sometimes.  Why does it have to be uncomfortable?  Why can't I just be single because I haven't met someone yet?  Why does there have to be a reason?  And if there is a reason..then why won't anybody man up and tell me what my problem is so I can fix it?

Last night my friend told me that this guy I've gone out with a few times is now taking out one of my friends.  She just wanted to give me a heads up so I didn't do anything stupid.  It's fine- I wasn't really that into him in the first place- but there is this pain of rejection that you feel when you're single.  And that's what I'm talking about.  I feel like I'm being rejected, over and over again- whether I like it or not.  Sure, rejection goes both ways- but even when I reject them it still sucks because inevitably it's yet another failure of a relationship.  It's another chance for everyone to talk and to speculate as to why you can't make it work with someone.  

Anyway- I have to get back to work.  Be nice to your single friends is all I have to say.  And be thankful for the relationships you have in your life.




  1. i very much enjoyed reading this post, Diz. it's honest and heartfelt and real, and i like that about you and your writing!

    i'm single, and it's never been more obvious to me than it has been this year. my younger sister got married, a close friend from school got married, and both girls my age at church got engaged. most of these girls are people who, at some point, i've sat on the couch with to eat pizza/chinese/mexican/ice cream and lament the fact that we were single. now when i see them, the conversation is, "are you dating anyone?" i know this is a huge generalization, but people here in the south love to get married early. i'm 26, and i'm okay with being single, even though it is often awkard.

    and, even though i refuse to put a date on when i should be married (i'm a recent convert to this idea), it seems like nobody else cares to butt in with a backhanded compliment or a gratuitous, "you'll find someone someday!"

    that's some good advice at the end of this post, even for us singles!


  2. Are you talking about me. I am single, I struggle at family events and I wonder if I am too fussy. I do tell myself that the person that is right for me will come into my life when he is ready, I would rather wait for the right person that makes my life complete rather than some loser. I so understand, I really do. I really don't know the answer. I don't think people in relationships understand when you are the only one that is single how hard it is. I understand. Martine x

  3. Baby doll - I'm sorry...I wish I had the right instead of saying some stupid cliches I'll just say ILYG!

  4. Martine Thank you so much for the comment- maybe there is no answer for us. I'd at least like to think we'd be sensitive to those around us when it's our turn to be on the other side of the fence. (Not that others aren't- just saying) :)


  5. oh man I feel ya sister! I'm 36 and never married, and to top it off a single mom. I am beginning to feel like an old maid.
    I could go all into the terrible time I have had with dating, the horrible story of how my son's father and my former best friend did to us, of the hell I went through with my former fiancee - but I won't. Even those who know all the details still say the same thing over and over - "you'll find someone someday!" I just hate that. After hearing it so many times, it makes me feel like people are saying to me that it's not okay to be alone, that I am less with out a mate. But that's crap. I am just fine the way I am, and if I never "find someone" I will still be okay. It doesn't define who I am or who you are. It doesn't validate your worth to be in a relationship or lessen it if you are not. I try to tell people, that I am fine the way I am and if I do find someone that would be lovely but it won't make my life any less wonderful with out.
    But man, I am feeling it too. Most days I am just fine. I am so afraid to get out there again after these last 2 terrible years, but then I hear some song on the ipod and think how much I miss having those "every song you hear makes you think of your special someone" moments and how nice it is to have a hand to hold. Or what a hug even feels like. (I swear I've forgotten...)

  6. Smug Marrieds - that what Bridgett Jones calls them. Makes me want to go watch that now - wonder if it's on Netflix.....

  7. Hahahah- I think I shall watch it too!! I love your comment today- thank you so much. You're a wonderful woman and you're right- we're NOT ANY less because we're single. It would just be icing on the cake. :)

  8. I just want to give you a hug...

    and if you want to take my husband and three cute boys for a time, you are welcome to. ;)

    I just want you to feel peace. I wish I could provide that for you. When my own life feels hard I want to be where you are... life's crazy like that.

    Know that I am thinking about you.

  9. Your amazing Diz! I know its hard. Just want to send you Hugs

  10. Diz,

    I'm sure it's hard to keep hearing this, but you have so much to offer Mr. Right when he finally appears in your life! He is worth the wait, as you will be for him. My advice remains to do what you enjoy and take the pressure off yourself about finding him. There is nothing more intriguing to men than a woman who is having a fun life. That's when they want you the most!! Trust me!

    HUGS!!!! He is out there! Don't get discouraged. I remember the photo of you in the black dress. There is a man out there who is going to see you in that and he will not be able to get you out of his mind!

  11. Brynn, CC, Genie- thank you ladies- I love you so much! Your words do mean a LOT to me- seriously. I wish I could give each of you a hug for real! xoxoxo

  12. My heart goes out to you, Diz, not because I feel sorry for you but because I understand and know your feelings. I agree, be picky. It's worth it. I also agree, don't worry about it. And I also agree, no one should ever have to feel uncomfortable for being single (or married!).

    I was 31 when I met my husband. And I was the only single gal in a group of married folks all through my 20's. It was hard and it sucked and it made me question myself day in and day out. I wasn't picky, either, but when I'd go on dates nothing would come of it. And my friends would give me the no-comment response all the time as well.

    It can be a frustrating and arduous process. But everything happens for a reason. There's a cliche for you. Nonetheless, I look back, now, at my single days and think how fortunate I was. I got to grow up and learn me and settle into who I was before trying to settle into a relationship. I had so much fun, traveled the world, pursued education, and just had fun. You are lucky to live in a place like So Cal where there are other peeps taking advantage of the single life. In my part of the country, people do tend to rush off towards marriage.

    Anyway, all I really want to say is don't worry about the people that are uncomfortable with your single-ness. There is a great chance that they actually envy you in a way. There are great things that come from being single, just as there are great things that come from being married. Apples and oranges. My friends that were married while I was single all have told me, after getting married, that they wished they hadn't rushed into marriage, that they all think I "did it right". I can't say I did it on purpose, cause I didn't necessarily, but I would not give back my single years for anything. I took advantage of those years as much as I could. Chances are THEY are uncomfortable because it makes them think 'what if'.

  13. I remember being single with 2 children. My kid's dad called me old and told me I'd never get married because no one would want me. Hmmm. Imagine that. His psychic abilities are obviously on crack. Ya, I'm married now. With 4 kids. That fateful day I met my husband, I was sad. Sad that I was alone. So I went to the mall for some retail therapy. And there, right by the Footlocker...I met my future husband. :)

    It'll happen. When you least expect it.