I feel like crying right now.
I'm not sure why. I feel unsettled- but honestly, there is no reason. My stomach hurts a little too- I'm sure that the coke zero and WW frozen meal coupled with frito's and sour cream weren't the best choices for lunch- but they were fast and I was starving and I'm feeling crappy right now. I feel a little guilty for eating that crap for lunch- especially after watching that movie yesterday...(I know it was a crap lunch to have) but whatever.
I just feel lonely right now. Not lonely as in- my life. Lonely as in- I need a man. My brother in law texted me to see when I was coming in this week and we got to chatting and he sent me this really sweet text that asked if I was dating anyone recently. I said no and he said not to worry, I'd find someone soon. He was so sweet and kind but I think that is what set me off on this spiral. I feel like everyone throws out that generic sympathy statement over the last few years when they don't know what to say. "Don't worry D, you'll find someone soon." Don't worry D, I don't know what to say to you. I don't know why you're still single, or I don't know how to tell you why I think you're still single. Every time I go home now it's different because both of my siblings are in serious relationships- my sister is married and my brother is engaged to a girl he's been with for 3 or 4 years.
My friend and I were talking about it yesterday and she asked if it's hard to go home and be around my family since all of my siblings are younger than me and all married (or engaged) and I told her the truth- yes, it gets hard sometimes. I love my family so much and I'm always so excited to see them- but sometimes it's very obvious that I'm still single. Like at Christmas two years ago- it was Christmas Eve (MY birthday), and we ordered a pizza and all went into the living room to watch movies and hang out. We were all laughing and joking around in the kitchen and then we popped in a movie and everyone settled in the living room with their pizza. I was happily eating my pizza from the recliner when I looked up and noticed my sister and her husband all snuggled up under a blanket on one couch, whispering and giggling. Then I noticed my brother and his girlfriend all snuggled up under another blanket on the other couch, doing the same thing. I was sitting all alone on a chair in the corner unnoticed and it really stung once it set in what was happening. They don't do it on purpose- they are just being themselves and being happy and being in love, and I would never want to take what they have away from any of them. It's not their faults that I'm single. I'm just overly sensitive to it I guess because here in CA- in never never land- all of my friends are single too- so I don't have to face all of that. If people get into relationships around here- they go off into some other relationship land and leave the rest of us singles alone. Married and relationship people don't want to be around singles; and singles don't want to be around married people- that's just the way it is, let's be honest.
I asked my bro in law if he thought I was too picky and he sweetly said, "No comment. :) But you should be picky! I was picky and I found your sister and look how lucky I am- you should definitely hold out and be picky." I agree with him- that I should hold out for the right guy- but I don't think I'm that picky. Trust me, I've given a LOT of dirt bags a chance that didn't deserve it. How do you explain to people the pain that can be associated with being single sometimes? How do you help them feel less uncomfortable by your single-ness? It's obvious to me that I make people uncomfortable sometimes; whether it's a married woman that is insecure because her husband works in my office (which I can't even help) or whether it's loved ones who don't know how to console me...I make people uncomfortable sometimes. Why does it have to be uncomfortable? Why can't I just be single because I haven't met someone yet? Why does there have to be a reason? And if there is a reason..then why won't anybody man up and tell me what my problem is so I can fix it?
Last night my friend told me that this guy I've gone out with a few times is now taking out one of my friends. She just wanted to give me a heads up so I didn't do anything stupid. It's fine- I wasn't really that into him in the first place- but there is this pain of rejection that you feel when you're single. And that's what I'm talking about. I feel like I'm being rejected, over and over again- whether I like it or not. Sure, rejection goes both ways- but even when I reject them it still sucks because inevitably it's yet another failure of a relationship. It's another chance for everyone to talk and to speculate as to why you can't make it work with someone.
Anyway- I have to get back to work. Be nice to your single friends is all I have to say. And be thankful for the relationships you have in your life.