Monday, May 10, 2010


***WARNING*** This post is complicated and may be confusing.  I was typing like mad and I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense.  You may want to draw a map to keep things clear. :)

This is the worst funk I have ever been in.  I have NO desire to work out, to eat healthy, or to even try.  It's a struggle just to get my ass in the shower at this point.  I know, sick. Gross. Disgusting. True.

It's weird because logically I know I need to get my ass in gear.  Summer is coming.  It's warming up which means less clothes will be on my body.  I've been making out and cuddling with boys and they are touching my body and I went from loving it to becoming totally self conscious and paranoid.  I feel physically gross.  Sluggish.  Zapped of all energy.  

I kind of know what the problem is, and I don't really want to deal with it.  I don't want to write about it on my blog either.  But until I face my issues, I guess I'll keep stuffing my face whilst laying on the couch in a pool of my own stink. Sick.  I wonder if sugar makes you sweat more.  Does anyone know? 

Ok fine!  I'll just tell you.  Remember Dan?  We were dating awhile back and I told him I only wanted to be friends because I just wasn't feeling it all that much?  Remember, he asked me to go to an Angel's game and I was trying to figure out how to tell him that we should probably just be friends?  Yeah, so somehow that translated into more dating. That was about a month ago that I tried to pull the plug, but persistence is a bitch and of course I continued to go out with him under the guise of friendship...until he kissed me last week.  It was fun, but I knew the minute he left my house that kissing him was a bad idea.  Not because it wasn't fun, but because to him that's a foot in the door.  I haven't let him kiss me for the 3 months that this has been going on.  But last week he was being cute and cuddly and I had a weak moment and we made out on my bed like high schoolers.  Well, this week I tried to pull the plug again.  Wednesday I wanted to go to a Cinco de Mayo party with NR and I forgot that it was Cinco when Dan texted me that morning to see if we could go to dinner.  Once NR asked if we were still going to the party, I immediately texted Dan to get out of the dinner plans, so we changed them into movie plans so that I could go to my party but then we went and worked out and I was too tired to do both, so I tried to cancel Dan.  Understandably he was not happy with me.  I think it would be different if this was a one time thing, but it's not; I do this to him regularly.  In my mind, it's not a big deal because we're friends.  In his mind, I'm disrespectful because even as a friend, when you like someone, you spend time with them and don't constantly flake.  In my mind, it had only been two days since the last time he'd seen me.  Two Days, No. Big. Deal.  In his mind, I was flaking on him, yet again.  Two days, two minutes, two years...does it matter?  In a normal situation, he is right, I shouldn't be a flake.  But this isn't normal to me.  I don't consider him my boyfriend.  If I were to call up NR or any of my other girl friends and say, Hey, I'm too tired after the party to watch a movie, let's do it another night, it wouldn't be a big deal, they'd be fine with it.  But to him it's a big deal because he's excited.  Everyday it becomes more and more apparent to me that we're on different pages with this thing.  He's not willing to wait for me to figure things out.  Or maybe I just can't make up my mind (as to whether I want him to be more than just a friend to me).  Either way, it's getting ugly.

Anyway, he took things pretty hard when I told him maybe we should just be friends then (on Wed night, when I called to cancel the movie and we ended up talking about it for two hours).  And it's gone from bad to worse.  I feel like the biggest jerk on the planet and no matter how hard I try, I keep hurting him.  The sickest part of the whole thing is, every time I do this to him, I suddenly start questioning if I made the right decision or if I should give him more time.  He just has...something about him that intrigues me.  But I don't know if it intrigues me enough to be exclusive with him.  Every time I go to call things off, I suddenly realize that he's so great and I start to second guess myself.  Never mind that when things are going smoothly, I'm constantly irritated if he wants to spend more time with me than is convenient for me.  I'm so selfish! I know.  The problem is, I don't get excited to see him like he does.  I can go several days without talking to him and I'm fine; I don't even think anything.  I do enjoy talking to him about my life and my problems, or the things he's going through, but I don't miss him when it's been a few days...and that to me isn't a good sign.

He came over on Thursday (day after Cinco) to come get his things and he looked pretty cute and I got all confused again.  But this time was different- I can tell I'm jacking him up.  He was nervous and stressed when he was here; he could hardly talk to me.  He admitted that he'd been bummed all day because he was excited to see where this would go, and then yet again I pulled the rug out.  When  he left, he gave me a huge hug that was so much more than friends.  The sick part is, it felt so good.  His hugs are so great because he's a bear- and he just reaches around me and swallows me into him and I love it.  I don't think he can be just friends.  We agreed not to talk until this weekend because I need some air- all of these intense conversations about where we are and what we want is too much for me right now.  We have tickets to go to a concert together on Friday and I told him he should take another girl but he insisted I just come with him.  It's a double date.  He agreed to the breather but told me that I shouldn't call it quits yet, but give things more I know what he's hoping for at the concert.  

All of my friends are STRONGLY suggesting I don't go, because it will only draw things out more and make it worse, and I'm starting to see that they're right.  I'm bummed because I really do enjoy him as my friend and I know he's amazing and I care about him so much but the strong feelings I normally have when I like someone just aren't there.  He told me that other girls like him and keep texting him, and it didn't phase me a bit.  Of course, that could also be because I know he likes me.  I don't know how to tell him I shouldn't go to the concert.  I tried to text him today to tell him but ended up chickening out...and now I'm sure it just looks like I couldn't help myself and couldn't wait to talk to him, so I'm sure he's back on his little happy cloud that I broke down and texted him first.  I feel like the devil...

To make matters worse, a mutual friend of ours asked me awhile ago what was going on and I told her that I'd ended things (because at the time I had) and she decided to set me up with someone else, and I'm supposed to meet this new guy, Larry, tonight.  I'm meeting him at Dan's friends house; a big group is coming over to cook smore's in the backyard to mingle and socialize.  When I was texting with Dan today, I asked him if he was going to be there, because the last thing I want to do is be a complete A-hole and flirt with another guy while he's there too...and sure enough, he's going to be there.  On top of that, he burned a CD for me and said he would bring it tonight if I came (to prepare for the concert).  The first guy- Larry, has no idea about Dan and me.  When Larry called me today to see if I was coming to the smore thing, I tried to ask him to do lunch instead or dinner or anything else besides the smore thing because I knew that Dan might be there, but since he doesn't know about Dan, he felt it would be the best place to meet up with me and insisted when I tried to throw out other options.  Normally it would be the best option- we'd have a big group of people with us so if things didn't work out between the two of us, it's easy to talk to other people and kind of keep from being trapped.  It's supposed to be like having a lunch date- quick and light-hearted and an easy way to see if there is chemistry or interest there without doing too much.  Yet I'm freaking out.  

So again....I hurt Dan tonight.  I tell him no, I'm not going to the concert, it's not a good idea and he needs to find another date, and then I flirt with another guy right in front of him.  The sad thing is I kind of want to go to the concert, but I know I shouldn't.  I HAVE to tell him tonight so he has enough time to find another girl to go.  I also already made plans to go to LA to see my old roommate on the same night as the concert because I got confused and NR made plans to be in LA the same night, so if I go to the concert, I will have to cancel everything with my girls and they will know what I'm doing, yet again.  Why is this my life right now. 

See why I lay in my own stink and continue to eat and watch TV?  Because I hate break ups.  I hate letting someone go, especially someone I respect and admire.  This is SO hard.  I usually just make them break up with me, but this one won't.  He's been so patient and calm, even when I drive him crazy he just takes a deep breath and tries to wait it out.  It really hurts me too, it's not just him who's going to get hurt here.  

Frick.  Pass me a frozen grape.  I threw out/ate all my chocolate yesterday.  D


  1. Oh, Diz, I don't know..... Your love life is very complicated. Still, something seems to draw you back to Dan... (I have to root for him a bit, my son's name is Dan.) Yet, you shouldn't hang onto him if you're really not interested... but are you really not interested? It's a little hard to tell.

    Definitely a time out with Dan, and investigation of the new guy. He should take someone else to the concert. They always want you more, when you don't want them. I can see why you're confused....

    GOOD LUCK with all of this. Get off that couch, make some decisions, and live with them. You'll feel better.

  2. Man, Where do I start.

    I love you even if you dont shower. Dont wanna sniff you, but still love you :) Have you ever thought that maybe the sluggish feeling youve got going on is medical? Maybe we should swing by a doctor just to make sure. Id hate to try and motivate a sick girl, lol. The Dan thing is tricky tricky tricky...its good you arent going to the concert. I know that you really want to be friends with him, but realistically, that might not be something HE can handle. I would tell you to try and talk it out with him...but from what youve said, he doesnt sound like a very good listener when it comes to the "can we just be friends" speech. I know that in the end, whatever decision you make, will be the right one. I think he knows that you dont have malicious intentions, youre just a little iffy on what to do or where to go from here. Enjoy LA and Im here if you need me :)

    Lotsa Love!

  3. Well of course you drive him crazy - especially when you really aren't worried about talking to him a few days, you keep saying lets be friends - but you'll still go out with him - you are a challenge my dear - men love that crap - just as much as we do. So he tries and tries to get you and you love the attention - so you keep going back and forth. The attention is intriguing - being chased is intriguing - I don't think you are actually all that intrigued by Dan himself - otherwise you would be with him.
    You need to take a stand - and get what you want - stop being wishy washy about it - it's not fair to either of you - and Genie is right - make some decisions and stick with them. And that goes for everything.
    What do you want? It may be time to really start exploring that - and then = go get it.

  4. I just found your blog...and I think you're funny! I enjoyed reading this post, even though writing it stressed you out! It reminds me of myself back in my dating days. I think you shoudn't worry too much and just have fun! You have been honest with him, so I don't think you are bad at all. Yes, he likes you more than you like him. But he's a big boy. I say you live it up and have fun while you can. Whether that includes Dan or not...time will tell! :)

  5. Hmmmm, this is not an easy call. The obvious thing to say would be 'drop dan,' but for some reason I don't think I can say that. He sounds kind of amazing...but what do I know...?

    I want to know what happens soon!!

  6. Maybe you should just concentrate on yourself and what makes you happy without a man. If you have some stuff to sort out on your own independant of a new/old relationship and you take care of it first, then moving forward in a relationship will be healthier and maybe not so convoluted?
    If Dan really does like you and wants to pursue a serious relationship then he will wait for you. If you're not ready (or not sure it's him you like and not just parts of him) then you're hurting him, but also making yourself crazy and putting the rest of your goals on hold for something that seems entirely confusing & consuming.
    If you feel everything in your own life is sorted out (and sorry if I was presumptuos) then do what you want in the moment & just be honest that you want to date multiple people and not settle into a serious relationship. Good LUCK!!

  7. Diz I LOVE you and you are amazing but you cannot keep second guessing yourself!! I know that you have no intention of hurting him but your literally prolonging his and your pain. Would you rather break a tooth off piece by piece or just rip the whole gosh darn thing out? Break ups aren't usually easy and its amazing that even though you don't want to be with him you still respect him. And it was a good idea to make plans with friends instead of going to the concert. dan has to understand the line. And if HE respects you he will. Diz I know that your going through hurt and internal whirlpools but sitting on the couch and keep rethinging is not going to help. Hit the pavement, and run till your mind clears. Go to the gym and push out the bad thoughts. Please girl! Your are worth it and punishing yourself by not working out and feeling gross will not make anything better! Much love and big hugs